Learning To Deal

The Best Friend Feeling

This room held too much for me. All around me were pictures of Billy and me and right now they mean more than what they did at the time they were taken. I see all the things Billy has given to me lying around, like my first sewing kit and the large cork board he made for me. And of course I see the boy himself, the one that makes this so hard for me.

I grab a big, thick blanket and wrap it around myself knowing it is way too early to be awake. I tiptoe out of my room and I slip out the front door to sit on the porch. I go to the far right of the porch where the swing is and sit down.

It was a sinking feeling that occurred when I woke up and realized my dream was just that, a dream. I take a moment to let myself remember what I could of it.

I was in my bed and I had just woken up. Everything was different, the walls, the room, the arrangement, but the thing that wasn't different was the boy next to me. His hair was tousled and he wasn't wearing a shirt. The sight made me smile and then I go to get out of bed, but something made that a harder task than imaginable. I look down at what made my body so much heavier and I see a very large, rounded belly. It dawns on me, I'm pregnant and I'm not afraid, I'm happy. Then I saw two arms snake around my waist as I sat on the edge of the bed.

"Good morning Janey." Billy said sleepily. I looked down again at the hands on my belly, the left one held a shiny ring and instantly I knew. I was married to my best friend and we were going to have a baby. He had me lay back down in bed and was very close to my face. He was mostly to my side due to my now large tummy. Just when Billy was about to kiss me the bed shifted and I was falling and I kept falling while Billy stayed on the bed.

When I landed I was back in my bed, back in reality.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to worry about breaking out into tears whenever I see Billy. He's my best friend and the one thing I would normally tell him I actually can't because of so many obvious reasons. He has Zoe, he's happy and who am I to take that from him? He really needs to move on and stop worrying about me so much. I used to love it when, even if he was mad at me, he would come for me and safe me from whatever situation I was in, now it's like when he does that I fall for him even more.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice the door opening and the sound of another person entering the porch. Then once I saw Billy running from the porch and down the steps, looking around frantically I called for him. "Billy? Where are you going?" My voice was broken with early morning sleepiness. He looks over in my direction and smiles with relief flooding his features, "I thought you ran again so I was trying to catch you.." He says it so sheepishly I can't help but melt on the inside. I smile and pat the spot next to me for him to sit. He climbs back up the stairs and does so.

I was lost in my thoughts just looking out over the street and seeing the sun start to rise when I hear Billy speak, "Janey… Where are you right now? Cuz you're not here. Why can't you talk to me about what's bothering you?" I felt bad because I have been ignoring him and doing anything I can to avoid the feelings I have. "I'm here, I promise. I just have a lot on my mind that's all."

He seemed to understand. He spoke again, "Hey can we share that blanket? It's freezing out here." He makes a shivering gesture and I hesitate for a moment. Normally I would jump at giving him the blanket but we would be so close… It doesn't matter. Stop it Jane. "Sure, sorry." I give him some of the blanket and he wraps it around us. It was big enough to wrap around us with a little bit extra bunched up.

Billy put his arm around my shoulders under the blanket and I tensed up. I think he noticed because he leaned back so his back was against the arm rest and his feet were propped up on the other end. He pulled me with him and I was now lying on his chest, comfortably wrapped in a blanket and cuddled up next to the boy I loved. This embrace was familiar because we had, in fact, sat like this before. Once more thoughts of fairness float through my mind. He's all I want and I can't even have him because he loves someone else. It all just hurts.

"Hey Jane?" Billy asks. I sigh. "Yeah, Billy?"

"Do you remember when your dad died and we were sitting just like this after the funeral?" Of course I remember that day it was the hardest day of my life. And it's funny because I was just thinking about that moment myself.

"Yeah, I do pretty well. Why?" I ask him not sure where he was going with this. He reaches his left hand to meet his right and make a circle with his arms around me. "Remember how you wouldn't talk to me for long periods of time because you didn't want to talk about your dad? And how eventually I made you spill your guts about how angry and sad you were? You told me you were glad I pushed you to talk because you felt so much better getting it out than keeping it in." I finally saw where he was going and it was to a place I wasn't ready to go.

"This is different, Billy, much different." I say. He shakes his head, "No it's not Janey. Back then you weren't yourself. Just like now. You're not acting like you. You're not acting like my best friend and I don't get why. You're acting like someone died and you don't know how to handle it. You need to talk to me, I can't fix what I don't know is broken." Damn it Billy! I started to cry once again and I was getting frustrated with myself. Every time he reached out to me it made my already open wounds rage with pain because he cares so much about me and knows me so well but I can't have him.

Then it hits me. Billy is the only one that knows me so well and can talk to me like this and care so much. He's my best friend, he's the one that was there when my dad died, he's the one that saved me on numerous occasions when I was stuck in a jam at work, he would come for me even if he was mad, and he would break up with his girlfriend for me. I can't keep pushing him away when he treats me so well. He deserves better from me. He deserves to feel that best friend feeling. The one you get when you know you have someone that has your back and will never leave you no matter what. He has earned this.

"I'm sorry Billy I have been a pretty crappy best friend. I'll change okay? But for now I have to get ready for school." I climb out of the swing when Billy grabs my wrist, "Janey," he looks sad. "Let me help. You are the best best friend I could ever ask for. Just tell me what's wrong. We can fix it together like we always do." I get my wrist free and walk towards the door thinking of what to say. Then finally I think of something, "Some things just can't be fixed." And I walk inside to shower and get ready for school.