Learning To Deal

I Know

My heart is breaking for Billy. He doesn't know I know about his appointment. He could be paralyzed and he didn't even tell me… Instead he told my brother and that's how I found out. He told Ben before me… I just thought I would know something like this first, maybe I was wrong.

"Ben on a scale of Kesha to Audrey Hepburn, how do I look?" I twirled and asked my big brother while he was cleaning up his office. He looked at me for a short moment, "Uhm.. I don't know what to say here. Is there a safe choice?"

I laughed and felt good for the first time in a long time. Things were finally okay, or so I thought. "Okay so you're no help…" I said while laughing and Ben smiled, continuing to tidy up. His office was a mess. It looked like a tornado came through and tore everything up.

He was picking up some stray pinnies, "I just don't know why you ask me these things anymore, kiddo." He said. I rolled my eyes, "I'm not too sure either. I should go find Billy, he'll at least lie to me." I went up to my brother and kissed him on the cheek before I tried to leave. I'm lucky to have a brother like Ben. Despite his horrible fashion sense and suffocating nature with Ms. Shaw, he's kind of the best. I know Tommy is nothing of a brother to Billy and he deserves a better guy than what he's got. Sometimes I feel bad, but I do know Ben is always there for him.

Just as I was at the door I heard my brother gasp quietly so I turned around, "Uh, you okay Ben?" He sat down slowly while looking at his phone and ran his hand through his hair. He recovered quickly, "What? Oh yeah, I'm great. Sorry I uh… completely forgot I left wet clothes in the washer at home.. Man I gotta quit doing that. Come on let's get you to class young lady." What? First, I'm never 'young lady' to my big brother. He calls me kiddo and sport sometimes and when he's feeling weirdly sentimental he'll call me Janey. This was so unlike him. And second, Ben doesn't do the laundry, I mean I tried teaching him once but it was a horrible experience. Lots of soap bubbles were involved…

He just lied to me and I knew he did because I knew my brother and I knew he didn't do laundry. He had put his phone down on his desk and pushed me out the door.

"Oh Jane, Billy asked me man to man to lie about his appointment today… I was going to tell you it was a super long and boring thing, but really it's kind of a personal appointment and he feels embarrassed about it. I think it'd be better if you sit this one out." He said while walking beside me. I remember thinking how strange it was for him to say that. A personal appointment? Like… with… boy things? I looked at Ben not really understanding what he was getting at, "Uh.. Okay.. Why are you being so weird Ben?"

I looked down before he could answer and realized I needed to go back to Ben's office. "Oh crap, I left my purse in your office, hold on I'm just gonna go grab it." I walked back towards his little space. I see my white bag next to the chair I was occupying only this morning. Then I saw Ben's phone. For a brief second a bad thought crossed my mind. For a brief second I thought about opening his phone and seeing whatever it was he saw because Ben doesn't react like that at the thought of just laundry. Something was wrong. So for a brief second I opened his phone to the last text wondering if that's what it was. I was right.

There was a text from Billy: 'Hey Ben I have to tell you something… I haven't told Jane and I don't want her to know so if you could make something up to tell her why she can't come today… Listen. I may never walk again. Yeah this is really serious.'

So here I am sitting in class completely broken up inside.

My heart broke but not because Billy could be… paralyzed, but because he didn't want me knowing about it. If he is, we'll take it one day at a time and we'll figure it out. I love him too much as my best friend to let him go through this alone.