Learning To Deal

I Need You

I thought I was going to fall off my chair when Ben told me he was okay and that he was alive. I race to the front desk and beg for them to let me see him. "Please, I need to see that he's okay and I'm sure you don't care, but please… William Nutter…" I say. The people have changed shifts since my first arrival and now a man is sitting behind the dark wooden desk. He looked up at me with his dark eyes and typed in his computer, "Miss, William Nutter is in room 1121. He's recovering, but if you wait in the waiting room on the fifth floor his doctor will be in to speak with you." I thank him quickly before running to the elevator with Ben close behind me. He has to grab my shoulder to slow me down, "Jane… Breathe. You need to go in there calm not running all over the place, this is a hospital." He was reprimanding me but I pay no mind to that, he was right. I nodded and took a deep breath; I proceed to the elevator at a painfully slow pace.

The elevator was moving at a turtle's pace and I mentally curse whoever was deciding to ruin my life. I had a chance to see Billy and I need to see him… alive. I can't take much more so when the elevator finally gets to the right floor I'm jittery and trying to move in any way I can. The doors begin to open and I'm out of that suffocating box before the doors even fully open. I go my left and find the waiting area easily. I hoped the doctor would be in soon…

If Billy had not made it… I don't even want to think about it, but if he had died I'm not sure how I would cope with that. He's been my best friend for so long my life doesn't make sense when he's not there. The time he was away in juvie was the worst time of my life because I couldn't see or talk to him. I fell apart a lot so seeing him and running to his open arms was the best moment of my life. I wrap my arms around myself remembering the moment, but it isn't the same at all.

After about an hour of torment and horrible thoughts a man with salt and pepper hair comes in with a long white coat. We assume him to be the doctor and I nearly jump out of my seat.

"Is there anyone here for William Nutter?" He asks. This time I do jump out of my seat ready to claw the man for taking so long.

"Yes! Us!" I practically yell at him. I may feel bad about it later. He looks up from his clipboard and motions for us to follow him, "If you don't mind coming this way we have some things to talk about." Ben and I both nod and hurry to follow him out of the room. We are right on his toes, my shoes making the only sound down the long hallway, and he makes a couple of right turns bringing us right in front of room 1121.

"You are his emergency contact, correct?" I now see his stitched name in his jacket as Dr. Hopeton and he asks us this question to clarify. "Yes, sir his mom made sure it was me." Ben answered. Dr. Hopeton gestured to me, "And this miss is…?" I wasn't pleased with his tone. I just want to see Billy and all he is concerned with is how I'm related. Maybe I'm just not thinking clearly. Ben seemed a little irritated also when he answered, "This is my kid sister, Jane and she's also Billy's best friend." I looked towards the door longingly, desperately needing to see Billy. Just the sight of him would be enough…

"Jane, you should go in while I talk things over. He needs you right now." Ben says and I'm already touching the door knob, I look back and nod, not even thinking of what I'm doing or agreeing to.

It's a small room with hardly enough space in it for much other than a bed, a chair, and a drawer. The room smells like stale people if that even makes sense. It smells like the anti bacterial goo you wipe your hands with to get rid of germs. I follow the dull colored tiles to the bed afraid to look up and see my worst fears. Instead I focus my attention on the casting sunlight coming into the room illuminating certain things. The golden light is casting a perfect ray on the bed and I know I need to look. If I don't look now, I never will and I know that.

When I finally lift my eyes to what is in front of me I nearly break down. Billy looks nothing like the boy I knew, instead in his place is lifeless hair, a pale look to his skin and every tube imaginable hooked up to him. His whole left side is casted in plaster and the sight is overwhelming. I sit down on his right side, his good side and reach for his hand. It's a little cold so I try my hardest to warm it up with my own hands. I lean my forehead against our intertwined hands.

"Billy," I started and as the normal routine goes I started to cry. "You shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have come for me. You should have stayed at my house or your place or somewhere… Not there, not getting run over by a freaking van… I can't do this without you Billy… Because I… I love you and I need you here with me…" I remain connected to him by keeping my head on our hands for as long as I could. Eventually Ben had to come in and had to see this for himself. "Oh god…" He uttered and I looked up with my tear stained face. I decided I needed to let Ben have his time, I've had mine. I stand up and go to Ben's side, but his eyes are fixed on the broken boy before him that he always regarded as his little brother. I hug him and tell him I need to take a step back and like a good big brother he says he'll come with me.

"No, Ben you stay here. I've had my time with him and I know you're hurting too so please stay with him. I'll be okay." I take his hand and squeeze it hoping he'll do what I ask. His eyes still have yet to break from the mess of tubes and blood bags and other bags filled with things I'm not even sure of, so I leave without a word.

Question is what now?