Learning To Deal

Its A Gruesome Story

Sirens. Blood. Lots of blood. Around me lies the mess that is left by carelessness and stupidity. I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't think. I just shake looking at my hands covered in the sticky red substance that should remain in one's body. I'm sitting on my knees and no one has moved me, no one has touched me and it's good because they need to be concerned with saving a life. Saving a life that has saved mine on more than one occasion.

My hearing is muffled and everything is moving in slow motion around me, the medics are running but it looks like they're running Baywatch style. I'm confused by their lack of urgency and I can't seem to understand or grasp the situation. Shouldn't they be running faster? Shouldn't they be trying to save his life? Everything happened so fast before, why is everything so slow now?

"Miss?" I hear a voice that sounded very far from where I was, in a way that sounded like someone put his voice through a computer program to stretch out the word. I slowly turn my head in the direction of the voice but can't seem to unglue my eyes from the scene before me. "Miss, is this your blood?" Again his voice sounded strange and slow. "N-n-no.. Everything happened so fast. The van, the blood, Billy…" I said unsure if anything I was saying made sense at all. The man that had been asking me questions left me to move onto hopefully the only one that needed help.

My hands are still palm up and all I can do is stare at the red color standing out against my pale skin. This blood I hold once pumped through the boy I was in love with, the boy that I grew up with, the boy that came for me. One more glance down at my hands sends my stomach for a loop and as the bile rises to my throat and I lose all ability to breathe. I lean over and empty the contents of my stomach and think of the "funny" aspects of this situation. Just three days ago I was pretending to get sick and now, now I can't stop for real. It didn't take long for everything to come up and after that it was dry heaving.

I felt weak, like I couldn't stand being awake anymore. I was just so tired… "Jane!" I heard again a muffled voice filled with concern and fear. I open my eyes again long enough to see my big brother running to me with a blanket. I blinked and he was beside me wrapping me slowly in a blanket. Everything was slow. "Jane," he asked again in a slow, low voice. "Are you hurt? What happened?" I couldn't register his questions; all I could do was sit there and think about how we got here. It's really a gruesome story.

I went to work and discussed things over with Gray. It was as if nothing changed and I felt so at ease there. She said she could keep me on if I filled out the right paperwork and explicitly told the big bosses I was underage. Luckily I was only underage for a couple more months and the process could be reversed and all perks could be reinstated. I had a few minutes of down time while waiting or instruction from Gray. I noticed Jeremy was missing and had meant to ask Gray about him. I never got the chance.

I got Billy's note, it was beautiful and so simply Billy. During each down period I would take it out, unwrinkled it and read what he said.

Janey, it's been way too long since I've been able to say your name out loud and I miss it. I miss YOU. No apology is good enough for you, but know that I regret everything I said at DD. Everything except one thing that I will tell you tonight if you meet me out front of the building. I'll be the guy by The Beast. If you want, don't feel like you have to. I miss you Janey. I miss my best friend.

~Billy

The first time I took it out to read I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because everything was hitting me at once. This was my Billy, this was who he was. He wasn't the distant, angry boy he's been. I cried for several minutes longing to see him right now. Finally I thought our timing was here, it was ready for us to be together. I missed him too and being without him was painful.