Learning To Deal

Walking Down The Halls

It's been ten long years since I've stepped a foot down these halls. I pass my old locker and smile remembering who stood by me while I used this locker. I wonder… I tried my old combination and hit it just in the right spot… Bang! It popped open and I chuckled to myself. They can change the outside of this place all they want, but the inside will always be Whitemarsh. I close the locker carefully and proceed down the hall.

For a moment I see a memory playing out before me, I see myself running around the school with a boy I haven't seen in ten long years. He's trying to hide me from a crazy coworker that quit the business eight or so years ago to start a family with a very handsome Brit. I walk a little further and I see where Ms. Shaw, now Mrs. Quimby's office used to be, but now the space is occupied by a large column. The school renovated back about five years ago. Now my sister-in-law works as a mediation councilor while my brother still works here doing what he loves.

I finally make it to the cafeteria and take a deep breath. I look down and straighten out my black pencil skirt. I check my red blouse and make sure I'm all in order before I feed myself to the lions. This is it, Jane Quimby, back in the life you worked so hard to forget.

I open the door and enter seeing all the familiar faces from my youth. I see Harper by the punch bowl talking to a very nerdy looking man I couldn't recognize. I saw her lean in to kiss him and she put her hand on her now noticeable baby belly. I stifle a laugh knowing she married someone like him, but I mentally wished her the best anyways. I walk a little more into the cafeteria and stand off to the side watching everyone. I've been dreading seeing the one person that meant the most to me while I was here. It hurts knowing we fell apart and didn't try to fix it. I missed him… I then lay eyes on the star baseball player and smile. He doesn't look a day over nineteen. It's funny because as I stand here watching everyone, not one person has looked at me, not one has made eye contact. I guess some things just never change. I was always invisible here.

Then I look over at the door and watch as two new people have arrived. I see the outrageous faux hawk and know immediately who is here and I instantly feel like crawling into a hole. He doesn't even look around, he looks over at my direction and his eyes are set on mine. A rush of sadness comes over me because his arm is draped around someone's shoulders. I guess I shouldn't be shocked that he would end up with Lulu Pope… who is probably called Lulu Nutter now. How didn't I know about this? I guess a lot can happen in ten years. The pain in my chest is overwhelming with me knowing he married someone like Lulu. I loved him so much back then and yet the sucker punch feeling is just as strong as if I had just realized I loved him.

He leans over to whisper in Lulu's ear and walks over to me. He waves, "Hey there Jane. You look," He looks me over. "You look amazing." I blush because no one has paid me this kind of attention since, well, high school. "Hi Billy, you too." I haven't said his name out loud in so long I almost forgot what it felt like to belong on my tongue, but he hasn't left my thoughts since that day at Donovan Decker. I notice his style as changed, most likely to accommodate his demanding father-in-law. He looks like punk-rock meets preppy, douchey Billy now and I can't stand it. The feeling in the pit of my stomach is revolting and I just want to flee. I want to forget how I feel and move on. To me it looks like Billy had no problem with that. I guess I was always the stupid girl that fell too hard and too fast for someone. Billy was no exception.

He steps in front of me and we share a very awkward hug and after a few seconds he pulls away. "So…" I started. "You and Lulu, huh?" He looks down and clenches his jaw. "Yeah, I guess. Towards the end of our senior year we found out she got pregnant from when I slept with her one time. Now we have three kids and… I won't lie Jane life sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just don't know if I love Lulu, but I'm staying for them. They're great." I took a step back at all he just unloaded on me. We haven't talked since… since the fight we had at Donovan Decker. "Oh, Billy, I'm sorry." He shakes his head, "I'm not, my kids are amazing. My youngest daughter, Casey reminds me a lot of you. She sketches all the time and she's getting really good." I smile, he's happy and so I should be too.

Just then a long forgotten face appears beside Billy. "Hey guys, it's been so long!" Zoe says. She leans in to hug Billy but his posture becomes ridged. "I always knew you two would end up together." Almost at the same time Billy and I stop her assumptions. I say, "Oh, no no. We're not together. I'm flying solo and he's married. To Lulu."

Her mouth hangs open, "No way… I lied for nothing." Billy and I both give her puzzling looks. She clarifies, "Well, I'm sure you forgot by now," She gestures to Billy. "I once told you I cheated on you… I never did. I only said that so you didn't have to stick around with me anymore and go after… Well, Jane. You guys just seemed destined for each other or something." It's so strange that everyone is being so open tonight. Billy cleared his throat, "Well, how have you been Zoe?" She smiled a big smile in response, "Pretty great. I settled down with a simple guy." Just then Nick Fadden joins our group and puts an arm around Zoe's waist while kissing her cheek. We all put the pieces together pretty quickly.

"Oh I'm so happy for you, for the both of you." I say. I look at my watch and realize I've been here entirely too long, the office always stays open for me to work in. After I graduated early from this very school, Gray announced her retirement and I was then able to take it over after she left. I haven't been happier because I'm married to my dream job.

"Well, it was really nice seeing you all. I have to get back to work and see Ben on my way out. I'll keep in touch with everyone though okay?" I waved my goodbyes and evacuated that awkward situation.

"Hey Janey, wait up!" I turn around at the sound of my old nickname. No one has called me that in ten years except Ben and it happened pretty rarely. Billy had followed me out into the cool hallway. "Hey." He said and my resolve almost crumbled. "Hi." I spoke in return while kicking an invisible pebble with my shoe. "Listen Janey if I could do one thing over, I would have come back to you after our fight. Things aren't the same without you in my life and they haven't been for ten years. I've missed you." I was stunned by his soft outburst. "I have missed you too Billy," I whispered as a small tears glides down my cheek. "I guess we just grew apart." I said. He grabbed my hand, "No matter how angry I was, Janey, I always would have come back to you. Talk to me Jane." And then Billy is yelling at me to talk to him.

I wake up in a gross sweat from head to toe. I scream a little at the dream I just had. I didn't know Billy, he didn't know me. The thought alone killed me inside. I can't decide if I just had a nightmare or if this really is all the future holds for me. Do I really want this job if it means losing Billy? Do I really want to give up on the only boy that has ever paid any attention to me?

I lay in bed until day breaks. It's Friday… Maybe I can play sick.