Learning To Deal

In A Heartbeat

I stay in bed but put on my scratchy morning voice, "Beeeeeeen" I call. I hear some shuffling and then my big brother appears at my doorway, "What's up Jane?" I cough for effect. "I don't feel very good.." I moan in sickness to really lay it on. "So… what am I supposed to do?" It's really hard not to laugh at Ben sometimes. He doesn't really know what he's doing, but he's trying and that's really all that counts. "I can't go to school like this Ben…" I cough a little more. Maybe my acting skills really have improved. "That is the worst fake cough I have ever heard. You're going to school Jane." Or… Maybe they haven't.

I very much don't want to go to school today so to really put on the sick act I make a break for the bathroom clasping a hand over my mouth. I shove Ben gently away so I could get by. Once I reach the bathroom I slam the door behind me and I make some gagging noises and other noises that I assume happens when I throw up for real. Soon I hear a gentle knocking on the door and a quiet, "Jane?" It's funny because I can picture Ben's ghostly white face at the thought of me or anyone throwing up. He's a very squeamish man and throw up pushes him over the edge. I almost feel bad for making Ben feel so uncomfortable.

"I'm okay…" I mutter. "I'll get ready for school now…"

"No no you obviously need to stay home. I'll tell Rita when I get to school." I can hear his footsteps leading away from the bathroom door. I can imagine he's already at the kitchen sink splashing cold water on his face. He really can't stand vomit, how has he survived all these years?

I decide to stay in the bathroom until Ben leaves just in case he still thinks I'm faking. I'm just being careful. Soon Ben is back at the door knocking lightly, "Hey kiddo I'm outta here. Can I get you anything?" I call back while plugging my nose to create the right effect, "No, thanks. I'm just gonna go crawl back in bed…"

He buys it and I feel a little deceptive. "Okay well I have my phone if you need me and listen Jane, even if you don't want anything to do with him, I know Billy would do anything for you in a heartbeat. If you need something we're gonna be just at school okay? I'll see you later. Feel better!" He left the door and made his way to the front of the house to leave.

The whole reason I was pretending to be sick was to avoid Billy. This is ridiculous, I'm avoiding my best friend. I know he called me trash but maybe Ms. Shaw was right, maybe he lashes out when he's angry. It's happened before right? I know for a fact it has, but never with me. He has never raised his voice at me like he did yesterday. But my dream last night… It was so real. I had returned to school for my high school reunion and Billy and I weren't friends and we had nothing to do with one another. I don't want a future like that. I don't want to pick my job over Billy because he's way more important to me than any job.

I think back to his court date when he told me to go to the fashion show instead of his court appearance. I picked my job over him that day and maybe we would be together right now if I hadn't done that. Too many "maybe's" are involved in our relationship and I just don't know how it started getting like this.

I want to see Billy, but I know he has so much anger inside of him that seeing me would cause too many problems. I hate that he saw me with Eli and that Eli even tried that. I guess a part of me understands why he did it. I did tell him the boy I left him to go after didn't feel the same and I guess that could be interpreted as an opening… I don't know and I don't want to think about it. I just know I owe Eli a huge apology. He's too much of a nice guy to be treated this way and he should know he's a great guy.

A great guy that Billy saw me kissing, that's what it comes down to. I feel like no matter what my thoughts are always going to come back to Billy. I walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Billy has been my best friend since third grade and I don't know what to do without him. It's been me and him for so long that now any thought of life without him really isn't doable. I need to fix this, but I don't know how to start or where to start for that matter.

I look out the window and all I see are memories of two little kids playing make believe and growing into better friends. I see a little girl with wild black curly hair and I see a blonde haired little boy chasing each other in a game of tag. The situation changes and the little children are a bit older. The girl has tamed her curls, but they are far from gone and the boy has started wearing different clothes, not that the girl minded. They had a huge refrigerator box that they decided to put up and pretend it was a sports car. The boy always insisted on driving while the girl put on her pretend make up in the pretend mirror in the pretend front seat. Then they get out of the box and I hear the boy say, "Janey, lets play house!" The little girl agrees and they pretend to live together, happily married with six kids. Each kid was represented by a stuffed animal of course. They then made the sports car into a minivan and carefully set each animal in a pretend seat.

Then time really flies because the curly hair little girl has long straight hair. She's wearing a more girly outfit complete with a skirt and printed top. The two pieces together are a bad combination, but it's clear she's trying. She's lying on her belly in the grass under a large tree sketching in her sketchbook. Then I see the now thin and lanky boy whom is assumed to be the blonde haired boy from before. He has colored the tips of his hair blue and is now spiking it up in all directions. He's sneaking up on the girl sketching and quickly flies to the ground to poke her sides. She's surprised at first but the real surprise comes when she notices his hair for the first time. Her mouth is hanging open but it turns into a smile. "It's so you." She said while messing his hair up and then noticing the blue coming off on her hands. "Gotcha!" He exclaimed laughing as he leaned back to lie on the grass looking up at the sky.

The scene changes and the leaves have turned a beautiful red and gold color. The young girl looks a year or two older, definitely fifteen, and her style has evened out since the last setting. Her hair is back to the curly way it was in her childhood, but more refined. I can see her sitting against the tree and she looks miserable. Tears are streaming down her face and her knees are pulled up to her chin. She's hugging her legs so tightly it's as if they could fly away and she'd never walk again. Soon, just like in the previous situations the boy, now even taller than the girl and hair gelled into what would be his signature faux hawk, comes into view, running towards the girl. He gets on his knees and wraps his arms around her. She lays her head against his chest and lets her sobs wrack her body. "He's gone" were the only two words the girl spoke.

I turn away from the window done with seeing what used to be. Tears have pricked my eyes because he's the best friend that I ever had. I remember that day so vividly and Billy was there through it all. It was that day that he finally got me to open up about my father's death on the porch and I'll never regret being so open about my emotions to him like I would any other boy. Even my brother.

I go back to my bed. I need Billy. I find my phone and open a new message addressed to Billy.

I don't want to talk and I don't want to fight anymore. I need you Billy. –Jane

I look at the text for a few more seconds and in that time I decided against sending it. He's still angry at me because he hasn't tried to talk to me and I'm sure he doesn't miss me today. Like he said, I'm just trash. These thoughts send me reeling and I cry frustrated tears into my pillow.

Sometimes I think the world enjoys mocking me.