Learning To Deal

If It Makes You Happy

I haven't seen Jane in three days and I know I need to give her space but this is harder than imaginable. She's my Janey and I can't do this without her, didn't we say we couldn't do any of this without each other? Didn't we say we loved each other? What is wrong with me, what am I doing? I need to do something now because she means more to me than my pride. I want to be the one that makes her happy and she deserves an apology at least.

I get in The Beast and start driving. What I said to Janey was wrong, it was uncalled for and I need her to know I think so much more of her than that. I was upset and I know I shouldn't talk when I'm upset. I say things without thinking to keep myself from getting hurt. When I thought Zoey was with Nick behind my back at rehearsals for the play calling her a colossal waste of time was the only thing I could say. I always feel terrible for what I say when I'm upset, with Zoe I didn't know how to fix it. I thought I loved her and I needed her because Jane was kind of out of reach for me. To say I used her would be a lie, but I feel like I wasn't completely fair to her either. She did nothing wrong during that time and I assumed she did, I guess now I should have kept that assumption. I'm not sure why this time when she actually was cheating on me, I wasn't bothered. I didn't care like I did before and I think I know the reason. Jane. It's always Jane, she is always the reason.

But I've never said something so hurtful like that to Janey before, but that's mostly because I've never been so angry when it comes to her. This time we all got hurt just because I saw Eli kiss her.

If Eli makes her happy, then she should be with him. If he's the guy she wants then I shouldn't be hurting her as my way of saying I don't like it. It doesn't matter to initiated the kiss, I've been there for her through so much and just because I'm in love with her doesn't give me the right to be so awful to her this time. Jane's so special and she has no idea what she can do to me. I protect her in anyway I can and I always have. It's what best friends do.

And she's been there protecting me too. When I was in jail with Tommy she was there waiting with open arms to hug me and make sure I was okay. She cared more about me than anyone in my own family combined.

Before I know it I realize I haven't driven to the school, instead I've driven to the familiar house I still spend so much time at. The car isn't in the driveway so I know I just missed the two Quimby's heading for school. I feel stupid for having not paid attention to where I was going and in doing so I wound up at Jane's house. Some habits die hard I guess.

I make my way to school feeling bad I missed Jane this morning, but she doesn't wait for me to drive her anymore. I get it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I pull into my normal spot in the parking lot and see Ben's car. I try to look inside to see if I can "run into" them when they get out but I was surprised to find it empty. Wow.. How late was I? I looked at the clock and determined I was right on time so I get out of The Beast and make my way inside. I make it to first period a little annoyed that I have yet to see Jane.

Class was boring as usual and I hope these classes fly by. The only thing on my mind is Jane and finding her and talking to her. The bell rings and I sluggishly make it to the door and down the hall deliberately passing Jane's locker in hopes of finding her. I turn the corner and see no one is there but when I look at the other end of the hall I swear I see a flourish of black curls. I walk pretty quickly down the hall to see if my eyes were correct. I really hoped they were. I walked as fast as I could with everyone crowding the halls.

When I turn the corner immediately my hopes are crushed because the black curls I saw belonged to Ms. Clark and a wig she's been carrying around, already planning for the next play. I roll my eyes. I continue down this hall feeling utterly defeated. Finding my best friend never used to be this damn hard. I make my way to class in a completely pissed mood. My attitude is never great when Jane and I are fighting and its even worse knowing I can't tell her how sorry I am. Texting it to her just didn't feel right and somehow felt fake to not have my personal touch to it.

Sitting in this English class is beyond bogus. I can't be here anymore knowing Janey is somewhere in this building. I get a pass to leave, I only get one per class for four minutes so I decide to use it to go see none other than Ben. He always knows how to help.. Well usually.

Once I'm out the door I'm running to Ben's office not wanting to waste time. I get to his office and he's in a meeting with some other student. I peer in the windows facing Ben so he can see me but the person he's talking to can't. I wave my hands and do other obvious gestures to get his attention and eventually he notices. My seconds are ticking away and my gestures get more frantic. His eyes open wide for a moment in confusion, "Uhm hey I have to go check something outside, I will be right back okay?" The student nodded and Ben slipped outside.

"Billy? What?" He seemed a little irritated, but I know Ben has always made time for me because my own brother couldn't be the guy he needed to be. Ben's always stepped up for me. "Listen, Ben I need to know where Jane is." I say rushed. Ben sighed and looked down for a moment, "Billy, I know you want to fix things, but Jane has a meeting with Gray today and she leaves after this class. I don't think talking to you about all of your problems before that meeting will be good at all. You know what? Write her a note and leave it for her somewhere she'll see it." His answer is not what I wanted. "But Ben come on!" I checked the time once more for what seemed the millionth check. I can't be late anymore or the detention center will be notified. I can't go back there, not now, not ever. "Sorry Kiddo.. I really need to get back, but seriously write her something." He said. I scoffed at him but he told me to wait where I was. I did. He came back with a blank sheet of paper and a pencil and told me to go at it. I scowled at him and he simply went back in his office.

I sat down on the bench outside his office and quickly scratched down everything on my mind. What I thought went straight to paper and I hoped she'd understand my apology. Now the hard part: Where would she see it? The first thing that came to mind was her locker even though I know she didn't stop there, something told me she would. I slip it through the slot at the top and made it back to class just in time with mere seconds to spare.

I silently hoped Jane would understand and agree to meet me tonight. I can't live a day without her and these past few days haven't been good. I'm not me, I'm just living moment by moment not even caring what happens. When the final bell rings I'm too excited to get out of my seat and run outside to The Beast. I went home first because I had some time before work got out for her. I thought of everything I'd say to my best friend.

Janey.. I.. I don't even know how to start!

Janey we've been best friends since third grade and living any day without you… No. That doesn't sound right.. and definitely too cheesy, despite my thoughts being exactly that, saying it out loud is different.

Janey, I love you. Yeah, I could do that. I loved her and I don't want anything in the way anymore. I want her more than I wanted anyone and it hurts knowing we're not together already.

I waste time around the apartment and was more than ready to leave by the time I had to. When I walk outside I notice a few rain drops have begun to fall. Rain. When Jane and I were kids we would have to tinker around her house when it rained. You'd think for a kid that it would be boring, but those times were the best memories I have of Jane. She would play dress up and I would critique every outfit she chose, always saying how pretty she was just to make her smile.

Thinking back to those times it amazes me that I never knew I loved her as more than a best friend. But Janey would always be my best friend no matter the status of our relationship because we've been through too much to throw it all away and I've been so stupid to not see that.

By now night has fallen and so has the rain. As time goes by the drops get bigger and heavier and I know it has turned into a vicious down pour. I have to restrain myself and not speed right into the front entrance of Donovan Decker. I pull over and park calmly but my insides are anything but calm. Due to the rain I lean over and grab an umbrella I keep just for Jane in case of these situations. I get out of The Beast and lean against the door with the umbrella over me covering me from the rain.

Then I see her, I see my Janey and everything feels right, everything feels good because she got my note and she decided to see me. I was too lucky right now. I start to walk across the street forgetting everything.

Little did I know my luck was about to turn.

As the van that is speeding down the street, losing control due to hydroplaning comes right for me the only thing I can think of is my best friend.

My last thought before I'm struck: Jane.