Learning To Deal

The Best Comforter In the World

I know that voice and I've known it for years, since third grade to be exact. Sure, it's changed, but his voice has always remained Billy. I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I don't know what to do. If he sees me like this and in his hoodie.. Crap. I run to my closet to find anything else to wear in case he comes in. Tears are still forming and some are falling from my eyes as I rush to pull a t shirt over my head. I hide the sweatshirt and I creep to the door to listen in as to why he's not in here already.

"What do you mean she went to sleep? It's like 7:30." I heard Billy chuckle. "Billy, she's had a long day and you haven't been here for a few days. She needs sleep because," He paused searching for a usable lie. Come on Ben… Anything! "Because of a work thing." Oh no..

"A work thing?" Billy asks. "She has always made time for me, even with her work thing." I didn't hear Ben speak for a long few seconds and I almost came out to face what I knew I needed to. "Well, this is different. Gray was at the show, Billy. Jane has to meet with her tomorrow to discuss the situation. Jane's not sure if her cover's blown yet and she needs this time." Thank you Ben. "Oh, Janey…" I heard Billy say sadly. "She needs me." And with that my door was being pushed open and for the first time since the play I was face to face with the boy that is breaking my heart. This hurts worse than anything Nick ever did to me. A lot worse.

Despite myself I start to cry, but not for the reasons Billy thinks. I'm crying because my chest hurts and because I'm in love with my best friend who is in love with someone else. Billy simply gathers me in his arms and sits us on my bed while I cry out all my hurt. "Ah Janey, you know how much I hate it when the ladies cry…" He said. I wipe my face quickly, "I'm sorry. I know."

He grabs my hands and looks into my eyes. How had I never known how I felt before? He does things like this for me all the time. I'm an idiot.

"No, Janey it's okay. I was just trying to make you laugh, but I see Gray has you all wrapped up in Jane Land. You will be fine, even if you don't get to keep this job. You are too great at what you do, you can find anything if you want it. You're perfect, Janey." He's making this so much harder just by being himself. He's been doing this for me, trying to make me feel better, since third grade.

"I don't think the job is the problem here." I say quietly. "What are you talking about?" He asks. I thought about telling him in this moment, but then reconsidered. Zoe doesn't deserve that from me. "Nothing," I say instead. "I just really need to calm down and go to sleep, okay?" He nods and shrugs out of his leather jacket and throws it towards the floor. He lays down like he always does on his back and I give him a funny look. "What are you doing?" I ask. He responds, "Well, I was going to go to sleep.." After thinking about the consequences of the current situation, I came up empty. I lay my head on his chest while covering us up with a blanket. He tries to hold me together thinking if he does what he always does, I'll feel better. Truth is, the more he does his normal routine, the more the gaping hole in my chest rips open.

No matter what, Billy is the best comforter in the world. It takes me a few minutes to stop crying, but eventually I do and I fall asleep somehow. It's a dreamless sleep that just lets me rejuvenate for a short time.

All too soon my alarm is going off and I'm reaching over Billy to turn it off.