Learning To Deal

Learning To Deal Part 1

My mind is still foggy from it being so early in the morning so maybe I imagined the sound of the front door. I snuggle closer to the new jacket and feel torn again at the thought of Billy not waking me like he said he would. Maybe, the news just wasn't good and that's why he's not telling me… I convince myself of the worst so anything will sound good in comparison.

My back was to my bedroom door when I heard the hinges cry from use. Not sure of what to do I remain where I am. I hope with my whole heart it's my best friend walking through my door. I feel the bed take on the extra weight and that's when I half turn over to see who had entered my room.

Billy.

I sit up slowly and rub my eyes. When I open them they're clear and all I see is my best friend turned boyfriend and I'm so happy. I spring into his arms for a hug. I'm not sure why I'm so relieved to see him, but I am. Who am I kidding? I'm always happy to simply be in his presence, but being best friends with someone for so long does that to a person.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and I feel his left arm snake around my waist, but his right arm extends out and away. He is wearing his soft brown sweater that I love so much, it's my favorite. I take a few breathes breathing in the scent of it. It's still so soft after so many years. I lean back and see why his arm wasn't around me. He was holding a very hot cup of coffee.

He holds it out to me while I sit close to him, we're facing each other. "For you." He says. He hands it to me and I take it. It's warm in my hands and I bring the lid to my lips. I glance up at Billy and he's trying not to laugh. Feeling self conscious I say, "What? Is there something on my face?" I reach for my cheek and feel the indents… "Oh my god…" I say. I climb off the bed and head straight for my mirror. The whole left side of my face is covered in the red lines from none other than the jacket I worked so hard on. I rub my cheek. "Great." I mutter. I walk back to my bed holding my face and sink down into the bed against my headboard.

Billy speaks while smiling, "No matter what, I think you're cute, but what did that to your face?" I smile letting his words sink in. I blush realizing I have to actually give the jacket to him. I remove my hand and look towards where the jacket lies hidden by my pillows, "Oh… Well, while you were gone I," I paused suddenly very embarrassed. He chuckled, "What?" I took a deep breath, "I recreated your leather jacket…" I realize just how odd that is as I reach under my pillow and hand it to him. "I'm sorry, that's really weird isn't it?" I try hiding behind my coffee cup.

I couldn't see his reaction and he didn't say anything for what seemed like forever. Finally I peek out from behind my cup and he looks so amazed. He looks up from the jacket in his hands and leans towards me, "No Janey, it's… Well it's…" He's struggling to find words that fit this situation. I'm so relieved to know he likes it. He takes my coffee cup from me and puts it on my nightstand. Confused I say, "I'm glad you like-" I'm cut off when he grabs me in his arms and tackles me to the bed. With is face merely inches from my own he whispers, "I love it."

His lips were on mine in an instant and it turned heated pretty quickly. I pulled his face closer and he repositioned himself to be more on top of me. His lips were warm and soft and very inviting. I can taste the coffee and I don't mind. I wonder if I'll ever get used to kissing him. His hands snake to my waist and caress the skin of my tummy. This is the first time since actually being "together" as more than best friends that things have ever gone this far. He's always been confined to… Wait a minute!

I sit up slightly and break our growing kiss which causes him to roll to my right side, "Billy!" I reach to touch his legs. "You're not in your wheelchair!" I am so excited I start crying and lay back down completely overwhelmed with feelings. I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his chest feeling utterly embarrassed for pointing anything out and totally losing it. Billy held me to him. After a minute he reaches behind him to grab a pillow to put behind his head.

When my sniffles wouldn't stop he asked, "Janey… Did I hurt you or something?" I could hear the freaking out in his voice. He must think when he was on top of me he hurt me or something, oh no. "No no no Billy I'm fine, you didn't hurt me." More sniffling. "So," He says drawing out the word. "Why are you crying?" Should I tell him about me knowing about his possible problem? No. "I don't know…" I say finally. It's true, I'm not sure why I'm crying. I think I told myself he could never walk again so many times that I actually believed it and now that he can walk again… It's too much. I try to hide in his sweater. Great answer Jane…

I sigh changing my mind, "No, I know about your appointment. I know you thought you were… paralyzed." I almost couldn't choke out the word. Billy lifts my chin to look at my face and seems utterly confused, "But how? Ben…" He looked towards the door with murder in his eyes. I put my palm on his chest, "No. I read his text messages… He has no idea I know. I'm sorry… I know you wanted to keep this from me, but you didn't have to! I would be willing to go through anything with you." Thing is me lying here crying isn't helping my point.

He looked sad, "I know… But you've already done so much for me. I didn't want this to push you over the edge. I saw you falling apart, Janey. I wanted to be able to tell you myself after I dealt with it." He wipes at my cheek with his thumb.

My mind is in an outrage, he can't do that. He can't keep things from me. "Billy, you are my best friend and now you're even more than that, but all the same you're still my best friend. We need to tell each other these things. I would have dealt with it with you. I have learned to deal with so much already. I dealt with the thought of you loving someone else, I've dealt with losing my dream job, and I've dealt with almost losing you. Don't keep things from me, or… or… I'm gonna get really mad. Got it Nutter?" I can't think of a worthy threat and we both know I haven't got a vicious bone in my body.

Billy just smiled, "Okay okay… I'm sorry," He kissed my forehead. "But let's be honest here, you couldn't lose me even if you tried. Even death couldn't keep me from you. You know I'm fairly certain you'd follow me into the after life and drag me back here." I slap his arm but smirk with him. I probably would try to anyways.

I sit up looking at the clock. I groan, "Ugh, why is it so damn early?" Billy sits up too, "Hey, at least you got some sleep. I didn't." That reminds me, "Uh, why are you getting in so late? Well early, I guess." I ask. He shrugged, "The tests they ran took forever and then when the doc saw me tapping my toes along with my music he freaked and ran more tests. After a couple hours I was mobile again and they couldn't figure it out. So Ben and I left after a while and he brought me back to my place so I could change. Then we got coffee because I promised you I would wake you up when I got here. I know how lovely you are in the morning…" I laugh. "What are you talking about? I'm such a morning person." I say. Billy scoffs, "Yeah okay tell it to the scar you left on my arm that one morning I woke you up for school." I roll my eyes amused, "Please, that was at like the crack of dawn and I didn't scratch you that hard." We both laugh knowing I totally did.

I lie back on my bed the right way and curl into a ball. A nap sounds amazing right now. "Well, I vote we take a nap." I say already half asleep. "That sounds perfect." He says in return as he stretches out beside me. He puts his hands behind his head and I uncurl myself to pull up the fluffy comforter at the end of my bed and put it over us. I cuddle into his chest.

It wasn't long until I felt his arms relax and settle on top of me and beside him. His whole body is at ease and I hear quiet snoring. I shift ever so lightly to look up at his face. This face is one I've seen for years and yet it looks so different to me now. I look at it now and I don't feel bad for the growing, warm feeling in my stomach. I notice the small amount of stubble on his chin and resist the urge to touch it.

Billy stirs and then turns towards me, burying his face in my wild curls like they're a pillow. I don't mind. I let my own face burrow into the little nook between his neck and shoulder and find warmth there. I meant to stay awake in case Billy needed something, but I fell asleep too.