Learning To Deal

Scared

It's been three months and I'm finally able to leave. Jane was so mad when a couple days turned into this long that she actually got into an argument with my doc. Of course I had to stifle my smiles when she swore at him, but I mean come on… Janey doesn't swear at people, it was just too funny. Yeah, I wanted to go home, but I wasn't right yet, after going through what I went through it's amazing I'm here at all.

They tried explaining to me exactly what problems I had, but I didn't understand most of what they were talking about I just wanted to get better.

So here I am sitting in my wheelchair. The doctors said for me not to walk on my own and that I needed to use this thing for now. I decided long before now I would walk no matter what, but for now I realize I need to do as they say, they're experts right? I feel a squeeze on my hand and I look up to see my beautiful Janey. She's smiling down at me, "For the love of all things fashion, can we please go home?" I laugh because sometimes she just catches me off guard. She's been here just as long as I have, wait…

"Janey have you been to work?" I ask suddenly figuring out she hasn't left my side at all except for school and even then she'd sneak out early to come back to me. She looked down and away avoiding me. "Janey…" I say sadly, knowing she lost her job, her dream job because of me. She looked back at me, "That job was amazing, but you mean more to me than that and I wasn't going to choose that job over you again. I don't want to fight about it, and I don't want you to feel bad. I'm seriously fine with it; it's not the last the fashion world has seen of me." She smiles a genuine smile that makes me believe her. "Okay." I say.

It's been a week since I've been back and I'm a little worried… I can't feel my toes. I can't move them no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't work. I call my doctor.

"Hello, this is William Nutter I need to speak to my doctor, immediately." I say when the receptionist picks up and she patches me through.

"Hello, how can I help you?" The stern doctor greets. He really is a hard ass.

"Hiya Doc. This is William Nutter.. I think there's a problem.."

"What kind of problem?"

"Well… I can't feel my toes. I haven't tried, but… I'm really scared I can't walk." I was so scared shitless I couldn't even express how I felt. If I can't walk… No. I have to walk.

"Okay," He said thinking. "Well come in tomorrow and we'll do some tests."

We agree on a time and now I wait with this sickening feeling in my stomach. How could I tell Jane if I was truly paralyzed…

The next day came and I asked Ben to bring me because I couldn't be with Jane for this. She's been with me for it all and she needs a break. I knew she'd want to come so I asked Ben to tell her a small fib if you will. So Ben is calling this a "personal appointment" whatever the hell that means. Either way she didn't bug me to go.

I roll around school avoiding the stares and quiet whispers, they didn't know anything anyways. I keep rolling until I make it to Jane's locker and I see her, she's beautiful. She is in a light blue sweater with a white laced tank top and brown pants. She was breathtaking. I wait a little longer before approaching her, just watching her struggle with her locker. I'm pretty sure her locker likes me more because it only likes to open for me, it's funny.

I see my Janey sigh very angrily and her shoulders slumped. Her head was looking down and I could see her shoulders begin to shake. She brought her hands to her face. She was breaking. I immediately go to her knowing she isn't okay, she doesn't cry often and when she does I know she's had enough. I felt my stomach drop at the sight.

"Janey?" I say quietly while opening her locker with a loud bang. I touch her arm and she lowers her right hand to be held by mine. She was looking away trying hard to wipe away the evidence of her true feelings, but I noticed anyways. She shakes her head. "Come on. We're going somewhere." I say, knowing I have enough time to talk to her before I have to go. "No Billy you have your appointment. I'm fine, honest!" She tries, but I am already trying to pull her with me and roll at the same time. She doesn't fight me and winds up pushing me to where I tell her to go. We sit in the courtyard, her on a bench, me across from her trying to make her tell me what's going on.

"Janey… Come on we tell each other everything. You don't just cry for nothing." I wipe at her cheeks catching a few stray tears. She looks down at my hand in hers, "I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping." This was new and took me by surprise. At night she had to leave because it was hospital policy so I assumed she went home to sleep. This past week I've been sleeping on her couch while she was in her room… "Why didn't you just come get me if you couldn't sleep?" I ask with full concern. This isn't good for her. She looked at me finally letting me see her eyes and they were dull, "Because you got run over by a freaking van, Billy. That's why. My sleeping problems aren't important. What matters is you get your sleep and recover because," She paused and whispered "Because I'm selfish enough to need you to." She was breaking down because this is all too much for her.

"Okay, hey…" I gather her in my arms, awkwardly leaning over to reach her. Forget this. I pull her onto my lap but she's reluctant. "No, I'm going to hurt you or something." She says still upset. If she's going to care about me so much, "It's going to hurt me more if you don't." Her eyebrows pull together like they are trying to connect. She looks sad, but she eventually lowers herself carefully onto my lap. I wrap my arms around her tightly and she leans into me.

With my lips close to her right ear I whisper, "I love you so much Janey." I squeeze her even tighter. She leans into my lips and I kiss her cheek. "I love you too, Billy. None of this is your fault okay?" She is always trying to make things easier for me. I lean my forehead on her cheek, "I know." It was for her benefit only. "Hey, why don't you ask Ben to dismiss you and you can go back to your house. Take a nap and I'll wake you up when I get back from my appointment, okay?" She needs this and I know Ben will understand. She nods wiping at her eyes one last time clearing away the remaining tears. She gets up, "Well, you're gonna be late. Let's find Ben." I grab her hand and squeeze it quickly before rolling off beside her in search of her big brother.

I chuckle, "You mean find Ms. Shaw. Wherever she's at… Your brother isn't far behind." Jane nudges my shoulder and cracks a smile.

We find Ben, and I was right, he was with Ms. Shaw. Luckily, this time we didn't walk in on anything… He wrote Jane a note getting her out of the rest of the day's classes. I roll with Jane to The Beast, which was how she is getting back to her house. She grabs my face between her hands, "Are you going to tell me about this appointment later?" She looks concerned and a little sad. Was I? Is it lying if you're not really sure of the true answer? For now, if it was, lying was saving her anxiety, "Of course. We'll talk when I come over." That seems enough for her and she leans in to kiss me. I'm still not used to it and it doesn't seem real. For everything in me I wish I could stand right now and lift her up and kiss her how I want to, but I'm confined to the hellish chair. I grab her arms and cling onto the knitted material of her sweater. She breaks away panting for air, but I don't take that. I pull her back down and she smiles as she kisses me. She pulls away again, "Okay you seriously need to go. You're late." She already seems ten times happier. If I knew kissing her would do this, I would have started a long time ago.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Punctuality isn't everything you know…" I wiggle my eyebrows at her and she actually lets out a laugh and her cheeks brighten. I love doing this to her and I always have. Then I hear a version of Jane's voice, only much deeper, "Okay Romeo, you said goodbye and it was sickening now let's go." I wheel around to see Ben waiting with his hands on his hips. I snort and follow him to his car. He lifts me in awkwardly and I say a few apologies that he quickly shrugs off. He puts my chair in the trunk of his car and then comes around to the driver's side. For the first time I have to really think about what this appointment could mean.

I'm scared.