Learning To Deal

Have To Talk

Some say that when you are faced with a near death experience you gain a whole new perspective on life, but mine? It never changed. I still only saw one person when I woke up and I only saw one person before I went down. She is the one that was always on my mind before anything happened, whether I was pissed off about something or laughing, it was always with her. I had other girlfriends, yeah, but none of them meant what Jane meant to me and I think it's funny how long it took me to see that, how long it took me to say that.

When I tried to speak my thoughts of how I felt I couldn't, the tubes and whatever the hell else that was keeping me alive took my ability to speak. It doesn't matter though, what I got instead was ten times better. She kissed me. It made me forget all the pain and the torture, it only gave me thoughts of my best friend and that was fine with me. She snuggled up next to me on the hospital bed, her warmth reminding me of the feeling in my hand while I was in the jungle of my thoughts. Nothing made me more terrified than thinking I was never going to get out of there to see the one person that would make everything okay.

Now, laying here in this hospital bed alone, I feel all the hurt and the pain. The doctor told me I'm lucky to be alive and extra lucky I still have function of my upper body. He said my lower body may never recover. I won't take that. I will walk again, I'll walk for Jane because she doesn't deserve a life where she has to take care of me. She deserves a life filled with dancing and running after her and tackle hugs or something. She deserves so much more.

Jane's phone buzzes on the table next to me so I pick it up. I tell myself this isn't wrong because I've done it a million times before. She would always leave her phone with me and whenever it went off I would pick it up and look at it and tell her about it when she got back from wherever she was. She trusted me and I trusted her. I didn't snoop, it was just my job and we never complained. I never thought of it as an invasion of privacy because she told me to, but does that still apply now? Curiosity gets the better of me and I put these thoughts aside.

I open her phone it all feels wrong immediately. The text was from Eli and can feel knots forming in my stomach when I see his name pop up. I now know that being with Jane means I can't look at it. I can't read whatever it was he had to say because I'm sure if I opened it, and read it, I'd get mad and ruin this thing with Jane.

I put the phone back next to me when Jane walks in with a smile on her face. "Great news," She says with a smile and glint in her eye. "I talked to your doctor, who is a total hard ass by the way, and he said that we can bring you home in a couple days!" She is so excited, but even this can't bring a smile to my face. Her smile immediately turns from bright and warm to a sad frown knowing I was upset. "What? What's wrong?" She asks, worried. She sits down next to me gathering my good hand in hers. I clenched my jaw unsure of what to say, either way I guess it's my fault for picking up her phone.

"You have a text." That was all I said looking up at the ceiling. She looks at me quizzically but then she reaches for her phone and instantly her face changes. "No, no no no. Billy, look at me." I still kept my eyes fixed on the patterned tiles of the ceiling, away from her. I hear the chair screech against the floor and then I see her hands come at my face forcing me to look at her, both hands on my cheeks. My neck was still very sore and so I wince. "Oh my god I'm sorry." She takes back her hands, but I already miss her warmth. "No, it's fine. I'm okay…" I'm not being myself and I know it, but something about Eli made me this way. Maybe I'm jealous, maybe I wish I was him because he can have Jane so easily…

"Billy…" Jane put her hands back on my face taking me out of my thoughts and making me look at her once again. "Listen to me. I love you. Okay? You. Not Eli, not Jeremy, I love you. I know we need to talk about that fight we had, but I want to drop it. Eli doesn't mean half of what you mean to me Billy Nutter and don't you ever forget that." She has tears threatening to fall and I realize how scared shitless she must have been if I meant so much to her. To see me get hit by the van, it must have done something to her, it would have to me.

"Janey.. Don't cry I'm so sorry for overreacting. I love you too." I wipe at a falling tear with my thumb feeling like the biggest douche bag ever. She lays her head down on my good shoulder and I wrap my arm around her shoulders knowing we have to talk about this even though we both don't want to. I speak, "Hey Janey?" She shifted her eyes towards my face, "Yeah?" This was gonna be hard with those puppy dog eyes of hers.

"You know we have to talk about it.." I shift with a few winces here and there, the painkillers are really doing their job. She sighs, "I know.." I don't really know what to say but I think of something, "That day, I was so jealous of Eli that I wasn't myself.. I'm just so sorry for freaking out like that. I should never have said what I did… You mean a lot to me Janey." It was all true and I did regret calling her trash..

"I know. But just so you know, he kissed me. I pushed him away and I didn't enjoy it." She is being defensive but I know she's telling the truth. After a few seconds pass I hear "Billy?" She was speaking quietly. I answered, "Yeah?" I was getting really tired all of a sudden and my words were slurring. Side effects of the pain killers I'm sure. "Are we gonna be okay?" I would have answered her but my eyes had a different plan and I feel asleep fast.