Learning To Deal

The Mess I Made

I feel like shit. I feel like the world hates me and just wants me to suffer. I'm not even mad anymore, if anything I'm hurt. Janey doesn't get how great she is, she has so much to offer and she never sees it. I shouldn't be surprised when another guy sees it, if I do, why couldn't they? We may have said we loved each other but right now I really don't think it did anything.

I hurt her in ways I swore to myself I never would. Ever since the first time she cried over a guy, I vowed to never treat her in a way that would make her feel like that.

I remember the moment so clearly. I lay in bed and let the memories take me back to when our friendship made sense.

We were in the sixth grade and Janey had the biggest crush on Nick Fadden which I guess never went away, even though it probably should have. I was standing in the corner during recess because I had pulled Harper's "perfect" hair just so she would stop picking on Janey. Even back then I was protective of my best friend. While I was standing there, completely bored out of my mind I saw a rush of black curls go by me. I looked after what I knew to be the only person that understood me. I looked around making sure no teacher was there to bust me from escaping my punishment. The coast was clear so I ran after her, but she was going pretty fast. Something had to have been really wrong for her to be so wild right then.

I almost missed her because she had sat behind a dumpster, but her quiet crying gave her away.

"Janey?" I asked and she wiped at her eyes. "Nothing. I'm fine." She said really quickly and got to her feet. I went over to her sensing she needed a hug and gave one to her. She wrapped her arms around me quickly and put her forehead against my shoulder and started crying again. She sniffed a few times and then spoke again, "I finally got up the nerve to talk to Nick and… He said my hair was ugly because curly hair isn't pretty…" I didn't know what to say because I didn't know how to deal with girl problems like this. But I had to think of something but this was Jane and she did so much for me. "I like your hair Janey." She laughed a little. "You have to like it you're my best friend. Maybe I'll just straighten it." She said. "I guess, if you really want to, but it sounds like a lot of work." I told her. She shook her head and stepped away from me, "That's okay. I just want him to like me…" I felt sad when she said that because in that moment I realized just how great Jane was and she had no idea.

Who knew I would say those words to Nick several years later.

I told Jane, "Listen, I like your hair and if he doesn't like you just because of your hair then he's a real meathead." She smiled at that and said, "Thank you Billy, you're the best." She kissed me on the cheek and it was the first time she ever did that.

I remember that so clearly and I told myself I would never make her so upset like Fadden did. Except I let Fadden do that to her twice, but he wasn't the problem anymore.

When I saw Jane kissing Eli I couldn't see or think straight. I should have turned around when I walked away. I should have called her name and told her to stop and talk it out. I should have taken everything back and now I have to deal with the mess I made and now Janey has to pick herself up due to my stupidity. I made her freaking cry and I can't believe the hurt I saw on her face and how I didn't even try to comfort her. I was too caught up in my own pain to worry about her and she deserves better. Maybe Eli will treat her better than me. Maybe he can be her knight in shining armor because I clearly can't.

I love her so much and now I screwed everything up. I take my pillow and press it against my face to hold in all the screams I put into it. I felt better, but not completely. The horrendous guilt I feel is overwhelming and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to see Jane right now. No, I don't want her to see me. What I said was so uncalled for and I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could grab her face and really tell her how I feel because that's what I should have done. Instead I acted like a coward and just walked away as she walked back to The Beast in tears.

I decide to call the school and say I'm not coming in. I get up and walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I dial the school and pretend to be Tommy saying I won't be in. It works because Tommy's never called for me for anything and they know nothing of what his actual voice is.

I sit back on my bed leaning against the wall and grab my phone. I start typing a message to Jane.

Janey, I'm so sorry. I don't want to keep fighting.. You're my best friend and I miss you. –Jackass

I look at it for a whole thirty seconds and I hit end discarding the message. If she wanted to see or talk to me she would say so. Jane has never been one to not talk unless something is very much wrong with her.

Who knew telling you I love her would lead me to this place? Who knew I would feel so bad about it? Who knew I would give up? Give up? Did I just think about giving up? No, Billy Nutter does not give up and he definitely does not give up on his best friend no matter what.

I decide to give Jane the weekend free of me because I've done too much, but come Monday I promised myself I would do something instead of sit here and wallow in self pity.

I need to do something.