Sanders sides oneshots (request closed)

If I could tell the truth

trigger warning: a kinda panic attack? it's not exactly that, but there is an angsty scene

They all know I'm a liar, but none of them know how bad it can't get. Being a liar is no fun. Because when you tell they truth you feel like you are doing something wrong. And when you try to decieve them you end up paying for the concecuences of misstrust. It gets you into icredible pain, and creates hatred for yourself. 

I wish I could stop lying, I really do. But it's hard. It's hard when this is what you've been doing all your live, when lying is basically the core of your existence. So trust me when I say that being a compulsive liar is no fun.

Acceptance. What a beautiful word. You'd think that with that your problems would end. But no. Oh no. How naïve. 

Being acepted by Thomas is just the first step. He finally realiced that I'm an important part of him. And it's taken him much more than expected, almost 30 years. But being accepted by my host is just the first step. The first of many to come.

My issue is to get accepted by my fellow sides. I think Patton already tolerates me, and that he truly does believe that I'm good for the team. But the others...

Logan is a logical person. Even if he's never said it out loud, I suspect he's never seen me like an actual threat, and that he's realiced that my intentions are doing the best for our host.

Roman and Virgil, on the other hand... I'm not sure what I'm going to do with those two. What I wish for is not having many arguments with them in the future.

-

I was the last one to sink down after the episode. I dropped my act and allowed myself to breath deeply in the saveness of my room. I had managed to hide my pain the best that I could, but Roman making fun of my name had really impacted me. Thankfully, I was alone now. Or so I thought.

"De- I mean, Janus," I heard someone say behind me. I flinched, and saw that two of my fellows had somehow managed to get inside.

"Oh! Hi Logan. It's great to see you here," I said, trying to cover my nervousness. Patton was behind the other side, and he remained silent. Logan, on the other hand, spoke again.

"Janus, we've taken a slight risk making the decision to trust you. I don't want to regret it, so please, tell us if you have any bad intentions before it's too late," He demanded.

I gulped and forced a laugh, "Oh, of course I have an evil plan! I'm Deceit! What else would my intentions be?"

"Janus, don't play with us. We already know how keen you are to lying, but we need you to tell us the truth before it's too late," Logan stated.

"I- I... Don't worry Logan. I'm perfectly able to control when I'm and I'm not telling the truth," I lied. Fuck. No, Janus, control yourself! Stop-

"Really? Then prove it," The logical side requested.

"W- what?" I asked, noticing how my plams started to sweat under my gloves due to my nervousness.

I looked at Patton, but he didn't seem to realice how unconfortable this interaction was for me. No, he didn't noticed. He just looked at me with those kind chocolate brown eyes, but there was no effort in them on trying to make me feel at ease. Oh no, they made me feel judged and controled. An irrational wave of dread shook me. 

What where they going to do me? How would they react if I didn't stop lying? I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop myself. Telling the truth... That required extreme concentration from me. I couldn't just do it whenever I wanted to. It's not as easy as it seems. Even if my intentions aren't bad, I'm just not built to be honest. For so long, my identity has been Deceit. I can't change nature. And right now, that was killing me. 

What I needed was to be alone. Them being here only made me feel worse. Almost sick. I- I needed to be alone! I needed to let free my emotions, my anger and frustation, my pain, but I couldn't, I couldn't with them in here, I couldn't let them see-

"Janus? Janus!" I heard someone say my name. It was Patton. He had aproached me and Logan backed down, now the closest one to the door, "Janus, are you ok? Is there something-"

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't  worry," I hissed as I leaned towards the closest wall to rest my body in it.

"Are you sure you're ok? You don't look so well. Logan's been trying to ask you some questions, but you didn't answer, it looked like your mind was a thousand miles away, and the you started getting pale and-"

"Patton, please, I- I think my head is not going to explode," I tried to stop my tears from falling. Because what I was saying wasn't true. None of this was. My head was hurting like hell, and seeing them look at me like that, so worried, so... judgemtal- I, I was just trying to do my best, I really was, but my body is against me and-

"Janus, just tell me what's wrong, I want to help," Patton insisted as he got closer and closer. I tried to get away from him, but my body didn't respond. He then tried to touch my shoulder, but I slapped his hand away. 

The moment I showed the slightless sign of agression, Logan ran towards me with the angriest face I'd ever seen him make. I gave a step backwards but lost equilibrium and fell. Thankfully, Patton stopped Logan before he was too close to me. I stared at both of them with fear.

"Logan, don't worry, he didn't hurt me. I was the one who got too close without asking. I didn't respect his personal space," Patton said, in an attempt to calm the other down.

"Ok, but if-" Logan replied, but Patton shook his head and Logan sighed, "Ok, I'll calm down."

I was still on the floor, staring at both of them, feeling my body shaking. Patton bent down so he'd be at my same height

"Janus, sorry, I didn't mean this conversation to go so... badly . Would you feel better if we left?"

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Please, go. Go, please. I need to be alone. Please leave me alone. Don't lie. Don't lie Janus for the love of god please don't lie. Tell him the truth. Ask him to leave please, please, please, please-

"N-no. Please, stay," I ended up saying. 

"Oh, ok. What can I do to help?" He asked.

I couldn't stop the tears to start falling down my face aymore. My vision got burry and everything sounded distorted. The tears didn't stop even if I tried to control them. When I washed them off my eyes more and more came. They where like my lies. I couldn't stop lying, I couldn't stop crying. 

I think Patton was trying to talk to me. I couldn't hear him. All the voices I heard sounded far, far away. And the fact that I knew they where seeing me like this just made it worse. It was bad enough that I was crying. Outside, with Thomas present, I had been able to hide my pain when Roman made fun of me. But now, I couldn't. I couldn't hide anything anymore. Both Patton and Logan where seening me like this, vulnerable, hurting, crying. 

It was too much. It was too much for me. This was too much. I couldn't bare to feel this way, and there to be witnesses. Now that Patton knew, he would've leave me alone. He'd try to help me but that'll make all of it worse, and i just wanted to be alone and-

"Patton, stop. You are making it worse," I distinguished Logan say.

"But Logan, we can't leave him like this, he-"

"He needs to be alone. The more time we spent here, the worse he's gotten. Trust me, it's for the best," He insisted.

"O-ok. Goodbye Janus," 

Both of them sank down, leave me alone in my room. 

Alone. Finally alone. Alone in a place where my tears could fall in peace, without needing to worry if anyone will see me. And even tho I still felt terrible, now I also felt free, free and save in my room, where I knew no one would bother me anyomre

A/N

this isn't exactly my ussual style, this personification of Janus seemed a bit off for me, but this got sugested and I decided to write it because it's fun to write as a form of procastination