Sanders sides oneshots (request closed)

no fun.

Holding it together is no fun, ya know? Just because of my cutesy little adorable exterior everyone thinks i'm ok and fine. Guess what? I'm not.

Because I hear what they say. I know what they think. That fear for spiders is cute and laughable. That being happy all the time is forgetable. That confusing words is innocent. But it isn't. They don't undertand.

Yes, I do fear spiders. I know it's irrational. Logan has stated it multiple times. Doesn't he know that I understand? Does he think that I control the fear that rushes through my veins every time I see an eight legged creature? I don't. I don't, and i hate it. If i where to chose, i wouldn't have arachnophobia.

Yes, I look happy all the time. Someone has to be. What would life be without a laugh or two? None of the others seem to be trying. I care, and I try so, so hard to keep this family together. And what do I get? Anger, sadness, manipulation, avandoment. Doesn't matter how hard i try to accept all of my kiddos, another one of them is going to get mad for it.

Yes, I confuse words. Adultery and adulhood, for exaple. It's not that easy, ok? I can't help it. My brain isn't wired as the others. I don't proccess things the same, specially words, and it's so hard. Words that sould so similar... Why no one else understands that I'm doing my best?

You know why? Because I'm Patton. I'm emotional, stupid, small and need to be taken care of, when I'm the one keeping us together. I just don't understand. It's so stupid when you think about it.

Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes, I want to scream my guts out and swear and let everyone know how i feel, how i truly feel. But I can't. It's impossible.

I opened up once. I let them know I wasn't ok. And what did it get me? Too much attention, too much worrying, too much pity, but no help, not at all. So why try again, when I already know what'll happen? Virgil hates me, Janus makes fun of me, Remus scares me, Logan thinks down on me, and Roman is dissapointed on me. I got only one thing left, and it's my smile. If I smile my way through this, I can make it all up.

Maybe in the future, when things are fixed, we can all be together again, and i don't have to hide anymore. Maybe there's nothing to hide at all! 

But until then, i'll keep my mouth close, my eyes dry and my spirits up. I can scream to my pillow if i wanna, I can cry my eyes out when I sleep, and I can feel like dying when I'm alone. Alone, in bed, with no one hearing my pain. That's the correct thing to do, that's how it'll all be. 

this is random and weird and i'm sorry about this lil vent from Patton's pov because life sucks. i'll try getting some actual oneshots soon, but i've got no motivation, so sorry. hehe, i can't wait for school to start. It's gonna be terrible!