if guns can cry (bittersweet #5)

01 | Soldevilla

I still can't believe it... That she's gone. Just like that.

The news was everywhere.

My tito General Soldevilla, flanked by other high-ranking officials, gave a press conference sa mismong kampo. I was in my dorm, the TV on low volume, but I didn’t need to hear it. Every word echoed anyway. Every channel... Has same news.

“...Cadet Gianna Soldevilla, anak ng milyonaryo. Isa sa mga pinakamahuhusay sa kanyang batch…”

Her picture flashed onscreen. That familiar smile. That same tilt ng ulo niya when she posed. But beside it... was her coffin. Draped in flag and it was sealed. There's no body found because her body was on the war that time and they never recovered it.

Parang ang bigat sa dibdib ko. I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

I have been crying for 72 hours and it is nonstopped.... Pakiramdam ko, wala na akong may mailabas pa.

Hindi ako nakaalis sa pagkakaupo. My phone buzzed, messages coming in from everywhere. Some people I haven’t even talked to in years, biglang may condolences. Pero wala akong ibang pinansin kundi ‘yung coverage.

Then I saw her.

I can't remember who she is but it says in the news that she's Gianna's bestfriend. Siya rin ang kasama niya noong mga panahon na nasa gyera sila.

Hair in a tight bun. Uniform spotless. Not a wrinkle in sight. Her medals glinting under the press lights.

But her eyes, her eyes were not the eyes of someone who just lost her best friend.

They were dead.

Like the rest of her didn’t follow.

“…She was a great comrade. We lost a brilliant future officer,” she said calmly in Tagalog. “Her loyalty and strength will live on in every mission we carry out.”

Every syllable, flat.

I wanted to believe she was just holding it together. Na baka ayaw lang niyang mag-breakdown sa harap ng media. Pero the way her mouth didn’t even quiver. Her hands didn’t fidget.

Parang hindi siya nagluluksa.

Parang hindi niya mahal si Gianna.

And for the first time since I heard Gia died, anger drowned my grief. How dare she look like that? How dare she act like Gia didn’t mean the world to her?

My fists curled.

Was I the only one who noticed?

Or was I the only one who cared enough to ask why?

· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · ·

2 years passed.

"Gucci, Mom is calling you. Buong magdamag ka nalang bang magmumukmok diyan? Tell me if you're going to come or what? Please, don't waste some time, Gucci. Times are precious." Si Kuya Eiross na currently nang nakatayo sa aking pintuan.

Hindi ako sumagot. Kunwaring nagbubusy-busyhan.

He was leaning on the door while his arms are crossing on his chest. "Huwag ka nang gumanyan. Halika na."

Hindi ako sumagot.

"Umiiyak ka na naman?"

Ugh! I said I don't want to come with them. Is it too hard to understand? And why are they keep on insisting na umiiyak ako? I'm not crying! Bakit ako iiyak? Hindi ako ganoon ka-arte!

Nagmumukmok lang naman ako dito sa kwarto ko.

"I'm not crying. You can go now, I don't want to go on that farm. I'm allergic to farm." Pag-iinarte ko.