Umiikot pa rin sa isip ko 'yung itsura ni Gucci kanina habang nakaupo ako ngayon dito sa harapan ng mesa ni General Soldevilla.
Pulang-pula ang palad niya. Gasgas ang mga tuhod. Nanlalabo ang paningin pero pilit pa rin tumatayo. Lahat ng sigaw, ng pilit, ng tiis, nilunok niya. Walang reklamo. Pero halatang pagod na pagod na siya.
Tahimik si General habang binabasa ang report. He didn’t even glance at me yet. Tila ba alam na niya lahat.
Pero ako, I needed to say it. I needed him to hear it from someone who was there.
“She didn’t deserve that.”
Binasag ko ang katahimikan.
“Wala siyang karapatang paglaruan ng mga kasama niya. Tinapon siya sa putikan. Pinainit sa araw. Binulag sa gas. Ni hindi siya tinulungan kahit sugatan na.”
Finally, he looked up so calm and predictable.
“But she passed?”
I scoffed, pinilit pigilan ang panginginig ng dibdib ko.
“She didn’t just pass. She was hurt. Tinapos niya, oo. Pero hindi dahil kaya pa niya. Tinapos niya kasi... ayaw niyang bumigay. Kasi ayaw niyang matawag na mahina.”
“Then she’s learning.”
Tumayo ako. Hindi ko na kayang pigilan.
“At what cost, Sir? Dignity? Sanity? She's not a soldier. She’s grieving and lost. And now you’re throwing her into hell para lang ano? Paniwalaan ang ang kung anong nasa utak niya? Para gumanti?"
Tila wala pa ring emosyon sa mukha ni General. Tumayo rin siya, nilapitan ako.
“She's not in hell. She’s in training. You knew this, Yndra.”
“I knew. But she really doesn't belong here."
Tahimik ulit.
“And I know that girl out there is breaking the same way her sister did. And we’re all just watching.”
Matagal siyang hindi nagsalita. Then slowly, bumalik siya sa upuan niya. Kinuha niya ang folder ni Gucci, binuklat.
“You know why she entered, right?”
“Para raw patunayan na hindi na siya mahina at gumanti,” I whispered.
“That’s not something I told her. That’s something she begged for. Paulit-ulit. Gusto niya ’tong landas. Gusto niyang hanapin ang sarili niya. And pain… pain was the only thing she believed could do that.”
Napalunok ako.
He slid the folder toward me.
Inside were photos. Medical reports. Written logs. Even a torn application letter in her handwriting. I read one sentence.
“Gusto kong masaktan nang sapat para makalimutan ko na siya.”
Gianna.
Hindi ko na kinaya. I placed the folder back.
“Kung hindi natin siya ililigtas ngayon, Sir… baka wala na tayong maligtas bukas.”
“We won’t save her, Yndra.”
“Why the hell not?"
He looked at me. Finally. This time, there was something behind his eyes.
“Because she doesn't want to be saved.”
“She’s a fighter,” bulong niya. “Just like her-”
Natigilan siya.
I froze.
