"She doesn't know what she's talking about. Believe me, Yndra." I said while I'm chasing her... Hoping that my words will comfort her.
"Go back with your mom."
"Wala na siya. Let's talk please."
Sinusundan ko parin siya kahit ayaw niya akong pansinin. I know that she shed tears... But everytime a tear will fell, pinupunasan niya kaagad. That's why she looks like she didn't cry. But the sore of her eyes tells otherwise.
Pumasok siya sa office niya. Hanggang dito, sinusundan ko parin siya.
Pagbukas ko ng pinto, tahimik.
Parang may bumungad na multo.
Hindi si Gia.
Si Yndra.
Nakita ko agad ‘yung photo frame sa desk. Yung luma nilang litrato ni Gia pareho silang naka-uniform, parehong mukhang buo pa. ‘Yung mga mata ni Gia, laging nakangiti kahit ayaw niyang magpa-picture. Si Yndra, as usual, parang napipilitan. But she can't say no to Gia.
Hindi ko 'yan nakita noong nakaraan.
Tumahimik ako. Nakita ko ‘yung isang sulat, hindi nakaabot ng padala... Pero sulat-kamay ni Yndra. Parang ilang taon niyang tinago at ilang taon niya ding sinusulat.
"I believed in you... I know that you had nothing to do with the death of Gia."
"Sana hindi nalang ako nakinig sa kaniya na huwag sumama, buhay pa sana si Gia. Kung hindi ako naging duwag. Kung hindi ako naging sakim. Kung ako lang ang namatay baka mas marami ang naging masaya. Baka ang parents mo… hindi ako tingnan na parang ako ang lason."
Natigilan ako. Para akong tinamaan ng bala, pero hindi sa katawan, diretso sa loob.
So alam niya?
Alam niyang siya ang dahilan.
At ang mas masakit? Siya rin ang unang umamin sa sarili niya na hindi siya karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal.
Pumikit ako. Gusto kong murahin siya. Gusto kong sigawan ang pader. Gusto kong suntukin ang mesa. Pero ang nagawa ko Lang... Umiyak.
“It's not your fault, Yndra." bulong ko.
"Blaming me for her death doesn't hurt me. Because it's true. Kahit ako, sinisisi ko rin ang sarili ko."
Hinawakan ko ang mga kamay niya.
“Siya dapat ‘yung General. Hindi ako. She worked hard for that rank, she puts all her blood and tears for it. I only got this rank because she died…”
I stopped her. Hindi ko pinatapos ang mga sinasabi niya kasi nasasaktan ako.
Tumayo ako, marahan. Huling tingin sa kaniya. Pumikit ako, sobrang naguguluhan... My family, all of them is blaming her. But I don't... Hindi ko kayang sisihin si Yndra sa lahat ng mga nangyayari.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas mabigat, ang nawala si Gia, o ang ideya na kahit si Yndra, habang buhay na niyang dadalhin ang bigat ng pagmamahal na naging dahilan ng pagkamatay ng taong pareho naming minahal.
“I'm sorry for what my parents said. Ako na ang humihingi ng pasensya sayo.”
"Just stay away from this place."
I-I can't because she's here... Ayaw kong lumayo, please, Yndra.
"This place is not for you, Gucci. You're not brave enough to be in this place."
"Hindi, Yndra. I got braver because of this place. Kung alam mo lang kung ano ako kaduwag noon. You'll literally know the difference!"
"If you're not afraid, pwes ako ang natatakot para sa'yo."
Tumahimik ako.
"It's so scary, it haunts me, Gucci. I don't want to lose someone important to me again."
Important.
"I don't want to beg someone to breath again eventhough they already took her last breath."
Kumuyom ang mga kamao ko.
"I'm here because of you... I saw your name on the list." Tinakpan niya saglit ang mukha niya gamit ang mga palad at bumuntong hininga. "Her last words was you... And,"
"And what, Yndra."
"She wants me to take care of you. You're reckless with decisions. At first I ignored it because you're a big girl now and maybe she's right! Nandito ka ngayon! It's a suicide, Gucci. Fix your fucking decision, Gucci!"
"This is the only decision that feels so right, Yndra. And I don't regret it."
"Another one... Don't expect that we have something special between us."
That's the most breaking words I heard for today... Sa punta na napahawak ako sa dibdib ko.
"I didn't expect that you literally looked like her. You're starting to look like her while we spend a lot of time together. And for the meantime, I was happy."
I was about to go near her but she raised her hand, telling me not to go any near.
"It's either you'll go away o ako na mismo ang aalis. Just choose."
That confession shattered me even more. I'm used to it na makarinig ng mga masasakita na mga salita... But why is this hurts different?
Mali na naman ba ang desisyon ko?
Kailan ba talaga magiging tama ang mga desisyon ko?!
Bakit parati nalang?
Will I ever learn my lesson ba talaga?
Bakit ba napaka-assumera?!
"Ang selfish mo, Yndra! I will always hate you for this! Remember it!"
She's only looking at my eyes coldly.
"Fine, I'll leave! But you'll never see me again." sambit ko muna bago nag walk out sa office niya.
Literal na hindi niya ako makikita... Maybe she's right naman talaga! My sister wants to protect pero ako lang naman 'to na ang tigas-tigas ng ulo ko!
BINABASA MO ANG
if guns can cry (bittersweet #5)
RomanceSpoiled, wealthy, and used to getting her way, she traded her luxury life in order to join a brutal military training. She has only one goal, find out who murdered her sister during the war. All clues point to one person: the Female General, the co...
