it always goes back to you (Poetry Collection)

(13) i love you.

i'm losing count of the rivers that flowed from the face of my earth when thinking of you. when these rivers run dry, mother nature – she cries for me. as the sonorous rain pours outside the window sill.

the sky turns to shades of destruction. thunderous screams of the night, clashing against another.

i look for you. in the midst of strangers. even though – i know you're not here. the familiar buzzing of the phones nearby... tease me. my face lights up in anticipation - to realise it's merely a figment of my imagination. my eyes deceive me. i keep on believing i've seen you walking around. and after missing you for only few days my mind doesn't believe it when i do. i flip the consistent, nagging thoughts in my mind... tossing and turning. my heart grows weary. as you are the air i breathe. and when you're not here i can't. i'm losing count of the little love letters you sprinkle every time. and each time i've wanted to plant a kiss on you. if only i could store these memories in a jar, floating like little stars lost in an ocean of fate and desperation. the way we look at each other. like i've always wanted to be looked at.

perhaps it's all in my mind... am i running from reality? ...i can never tell. what's real and what's not. i try. i try to. i try to survive. deleting the messages i want to send. turning my head, trying not to let your eyes pour into mine. because every time i do i get closer. my foundation begins to break in terror. my options of secrecy run dry as my eyes water, as the people around me start to notice my vacancy.

now i wonder – should i tell him he's the air i breathe? one of the few i hold close to my heart? the reason my world's crust isn't crumbling at my feet? when in a crowd, he's the only one i want to see. when we're together the world fades away, as if inside a snow globe. i imagine the tiles below me fading, falling away from the surface. as i confess. my eyes scream i love you my darling.

but i never say anything. i just stay silent. keep holding onto the hope - the fear - that someday you'll feel the same. it's funny... because i can't seem to live without you. as the clouds part, our eyes meet yet again. my love. i have yet to say - what i've dared not to ever since. what i never truly got to hold onto for long enough. never had anyone long enough to say – these words. and i keep on getting closer every time. it's becoming inescapable.

.. but i love you.