The Patient

I need to rant (Not a chapter)

(Hey guys. I may not post for a while. I'm in a very hard time and I can't think straight anymore. I'm ranting because I had a big fight with my parents and I'm just so done at this point. Them also being super strict, they took away my phone, so I'm typing on my small ass laptop that barley even works).

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I can't even begin on how fucking upset and angry I am at myself and at my family. I'm the oldest in my family and so anyone who is the oldest can relate to being pushed aside all the time or that can just be how my parents act with me. I have two younger siblings. One being 7 and the other being 9. 

I'm always the last resort and no one likes me. A little personal fact about myself is that I'm adopted and I absolutely hate it. Mainly because it makes me feel different from everyone and I don't like the fact that I am. I'm very hard on myself and It's hard to see me ever happy at what I do. People can see me and think "Oh, she must have a great life because she's always happy" Well, I'm not and I've never have been happy. There are many things why I'm not happy and the main 3 reasons is because of my relationships with my family (Mainly my mom which I'll get to in a second), My adoption, and my mental health. 

I was adopted when I was 3 turning 4, so I've been in foster homes ever since I was born. I never knew my biological parents. I really only had pictures of them. My bio dad left my mom before I was born which meant there weren't a lot of photo's of him with me. I've never had good parents growing up because even in foster homes I was pushed aside. Then when I was adopted, I had my mom and dad then my two dogs. It was fine until I started being disobedient all the time. I can't change how I acted when I was younger so I can't say anything about that.

Earlier last year, I think maybe in December, My mom and I got into a really big fight. And when I mean big, I mean yelling, throwing things around, hitting and many other things. My dad did nothing. He never does. Me and my mom have always been like that. I don't trust people that try and care for me because it ends up like how me and my parents are. I push people away because of my problems. I only have a few friends because of what I do and It sucks because I want to be able to trust people. My mom and I were never close. She acts like I'm not around and she has to turn everything Into an argument. I cry every night because every day me and her fight. I just want to have a good relationship with her for once. You know what hurts the most? Is seeing other girls that can talk to their moms and have a good relationship with them. I can't handle it.

I hate seeing my mom and my younger sister who is 7, be able to laugh and hug and kiss because I know I'll never have that with my mom. Whenever I see them having fun together, either doing crafts, doing each others hair or whatever, I have to leave and cry. I know I don't have to, but it just helps the pain go away. But besides that, I've grown jealous over my two younger siblings because of it. 

My brother who is 9 has ADHD. I just recently found out and It hurts to think about it but it happened so I have to get used to it. What makes me angry and upset about that situation is that I know my parents know about my mental illness (Anxiety) but don't care to do anything about it, not that I want do have medications or have to see a therapist, but they never cared. They decided to get my brother help because apparently they can see him struggling every day. They don't see what happens in my room at night! They don't see me crying every day after a fight or every night wishing I could change how I was! but I know they can see me struggling with school or even ordering my own god damn food at a restaurant. I've told them about how I feel about what's going on in my family but they see nothing wrong about it. Bull shit! I know they can see something wrong but they don't want it to be their first priority because it has something to do with me. 

Why is it always me getting pushed aside and not cared for!? I've never had a motherly figure, I'm starting to lose my dad because of my mom, I can't talk to anyone else because my parents take my phone away, my siblings are to young and hate me. The list can go on. I don't want to continue like this. I'm only 14 and my life is already falling apart. I honestly don't know what to do at this point guys. I cant deal with what's going on anymore.

If y'all actually read this then thank you. I apricate it a lot. Again, don't know when I'll post an update. I hope you can understand.❤😔