The Price of Love

Chapter 37: No Right

Bella

I thought I had heard a noise outside the window next to where my desk was set up. Then a peal of thunder made me jump, and I told myself it was just the rain. I went back to what I was doing: finishing up a report for class that was already late. I had fallen behind in all my classes after feeling sorry for myself for several days. Thank God for Namjoon! He had given me his notes for one class, and I was all caught up with that one.

I felt a crick in my neck and looked at the time on the screen of my laptop. 12:35 A.M. I had a class at 8, which meant I had to be up by 6:30. I should finish up and get some sleep. I went to splash some cool water on my face and when I headed back to my desk, I thought I saw a shadow outside the window. Then I heard thunder, and a few moments later, a sound like sobbing. Was someone crying outside?

I moved a little closer to the window without opening the blinds. I heard snippets of words muted by sobs or the wind or both.

"Oh, God, Tae! What have I done? Why...? I never meant...I never wanted ... I love her...so much... I can't...I can't live without her. Bella...I'm s-sorry..."

I gasped. It was Jin! What was he doing here? It had only been a few days since I had gotten that call from Fiona Gettis. Her words had ripped apart my heart even though I thought it could not be ripped any further. That one phone call had almost made me lose my will to live. I had held on to my hopes, but that phone call had taken Jin away from me forever. It might as well have taken my life.

I prayed for the hardness of heart to get over him the way he'd so obviously gotten over me. I wore myself out calling him every bad name I could think of. Cindy and Namjoon really thought I'd lost my mind. They'd even called Jimin over to talk to me. I began laughing when I thought how the old problems with Jimin seemed like child's play compared to what had happened with Seokjin. I'd been such a child to romanticize heartache the way I used to. The actual pain was quite unbearable. My heart and mind were in turmoil.

But hearing Jin's impassioned voice right now sobered me a bit, and I wondered what was going on. I opened the blinds just a little and saw someone else--Taehyung, I assumed-- pulling Jin down the sidewalk. I watched as their dark figures disappeared into the rain.

I closed the blinds and let the tears fall down my cheeks. Again. Will this man never leave me alone? Will he keep opening up the wound I was trying to heal? Will he be the death of me? I couldn't go on this way. He had no right to do this to me. He had no right to destroy my life then use tears to make me feel bad for him.  I was not a toy he could discard and pick up again when the fancy struck him. His fiancee was pregnant with his child. Now he was crying outside my window, professing his love for me. He had no right—no right—to make me love him! Still.

Before I could gather my senses and stop sobbing, I grabbed my phone and fired off a text:

Me: Can you come over right now?

After I hit send, I immediately regretted it. I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but the pain in my heart threatened to overwhelm me. Jin was crying now, but soon he'll be married and have a family. And I'll be alone.

J: I'll be there in a few.

I stared at the answering text. I rushed into the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Why had Jin not stayed with me? I was good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to marry. If that's all that men could see in me, then why shouldn't I just accept it? From now on, I would stop worrying about being the good girl. No one cared about that. I had to stop trying to do the right thing all the time. I had to think of myself first.

I changed out of my baggy pajamas into a long, flowy nightgown. I sprayed some scented body mist into the air and walked through the cloud. I didn't want to feel ugly and worthless. I needed to feel beautiful, valued. In the back of my mind, I knew I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be letting my anger and desperation dictate my actions.

J: I'm outside your door.

I walked out of my room quietly and opened the front door.

"I'm sorry to call you so late," I said softly. "I just didn't know what to do."

"It's no bother, really," he said, closing his umbrella and leaving it outside the door before walking in. "I'm glad you called. I'm always here for you, Bella." His eyes looked me up and down. When he brought his gaze up to mine, I could see the desire shining in the dark depths.

I closed my eyes for a second. Jin...

"Thank you, Jiminie," I whispered. I took his hand and led him to my room.