The Price of Love

Chapter 52: I Hope

Jin

She turned away from me again. I saw a brief flash of annoyance. I wanted to slap myself.

"No, um, Bella?" I said quickly, wanting to draw her attention back to me.

She looked up into my face. Her eyes seemed to turn a little softer, and she let out a little sigh.

"It's so good to see you," I said, a little louder. The noise was deafening in the club. "Can we...go somewhere and talk...in private?"

She swayed a little closer to me. God, I wanted to kiss her so badly!

"I--I, uh, I'm with--" She turned to look around and realized that no one was nearby. She turned back to me with a puzzled look. Probably wondering when Cindy and Jimin had slipped away.

I smiled at her, and held out my hand. She hesitated for a while before putting her hand in mine. I led her across the VIP lounge to the small office I knew was usually unlocked at the back of the room, the one place I knew that no one would look at us.

Once inside the room, I guided her to the futon at the back and nodded at her to take a seat.

I thought about sitting next to her, but I didn't want her to think I'd brought her in here for something besides talking. Although every fiber of my being was longing to touch her, to hold her, to join my body to hers. I exhaled the thought away and grabbed the chair from the desk. I rolled it in front of her and sat down.

"Bella, how are you? How have you been?"

"Me? I...uh, fine," she said and looked away. Was she upset to be here with me? She didn't seem to want to talk to me. So, it was what I suspected. She hadn't called me because she didn't want to be with me anymore. She could've told me. She could've at least texted me.

"You didn't call me," I said a little harsher than I wanted.

"Jin--" Her voice sounded strange.

"I waited for your call, your text, anything," I interrupted her. "Every day that went by was like a dagger to my heart. I hope you don't mind that I'm being honest. It hurt like hell to just be discarded and ignored after...everything. I'm sorry, but I have to get this out because I can't keep this pain and anger bottled up inside. Maybe if I say it out loud, it will get better. I don't know." I exhaled and looked down. "But I understand that you needed a break from me and from all that stupid drama that follows me around, that you wanted an out. I sensed your uneasiness even before this whole stupid episode happened. Maybe you knew."

I felt her move and immediately looked at her. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth, and I couldn't keep my eyes from staring longingly at her mouth. I swallowed a painful lump in my throat. I wanted her so badly. I wanted to kiss her and so many other things, but I knew she was over me. I turned away with an angry inhale.

I felt it was time to lay it all on the table. "I'm sorry things went the way they did, but they did. I know it's time to let go, and I won't burden you by dragging things out."

I stopped talking and looked into her eyes. I wanted to communicate my need for her to respond to me, to tell me that I had read the situation all wrong and that she still loved me, still wanted me. I waited, my entire body tense and anxious.

Talk to me, Bella. Tell me that you love me as much as I love you. The words kept running through my mind.

Then she turned her face away from me, and I had to make every effort not to scream or cry out loud. This was it. She no longer wanted anything to do with me. Why had I even held out hope? If she had not contacted me in seven weeks, then I had to accept that she wanted to move beyond this, beyond us.

I rolled the chair slightly closer to her, being careful not to bump into her. I leaned forward.

"God, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And even though your looks first attracted me, your beauty was surpassed by your heart, and I will always be thankful," I said softly. "What made me fall in love was your incandescent personality and your ability to love and care about others. You were the first woman to see me. You tried to understand me and my emotions. You helped me deal with my past and my present. I felt as if I'd won the lottery."

I had to stop and take a breath. She still had not looked me in the eye, and I felt that I was probably dragging this out too long. If she was no longer interested in me, then she was no longer interested in listening to me. I sighed.

"I guess there's a price, Bella, a downside when one falls in love. I had heard people talk about it, but I didn't believe it because I was so in love with you." I paused to remind myself to accept the circumstances. Now was not the time to rant and rave and hurl accusations. I had done what I'd done for her. But she was under no obligation to take me back.

"People say the price of love is pain. Lots of pain," I continued slowly. "But that was okay, I told myself. I could endure any pain, anything, for the woman I loved. Because you must know I love--loved you. So much. Maybe too much. I don't regret it, though. I don't, and I'm sorry if you do. In my case, the price I had to pay was you. I can't be sorry about the way things happened--there's no point now. I'm only sorry that this whole ordeal cost me you. That was a very steep price. The worst of all. The worst ever."

It's okay, I told myself. You need to start letting go. You need to let her go.

"Jin, I'm sorry," she said.

I wasn't sure if I could endure this, but I had to do it for her. I didn't want her to feel bad about this. I took a deep breath and rolled the chair back, then I stood up. I held out my hand. She allowed me to help her up from the futon. I involuntarily smoothed my thumb over the back of her hand. She quickly drew her hand back, as if to free herself from my offending touch.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to ask for something as crass as a goodbye kiss," I drawled. Her eyes met mine. "Or a final night with you," I added, then I pressed my lips together in regret. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I--I hope..."

I nodded, not wanting to hear the usual 'I hope we'll still be friends' speech. I couldn't be her friend. It would be like a slow death. I had to make a clean break.

"Yes. Well. I hope...you will be happy," I interrupted her. "I hope you will find someone who will give you happiness. I'm sorry it wasn't me." I sighed. "I better go before I do something crass." I looked at her one last time, wanting to memorize everything about her that I used to love. That I still loved. Goodbye, my darling, I thought to myself as I turned around and left the room. Every step I took away from her shattered my heart just a little bit more. I had hoped for too much.

Let go. You have to let her go.