Carry You ~Eddie Diaz

21

TW

Sam's POV:

March 1st, 2020

I am currently sitting in my therapist's office. Eddie was forcing me to come here daily after what happened on Valentine's Day. Between then and now, I have continued not sleeping so I can comfort Christopher and Eddie. I blacked out again last week and Eddie was able to put the pieces together. He wasn't mad, he just couldn't understand, I refused to talk to him about my nightmares.

"I know that I'm supposed to talk to my partner, but I can't find a way to put it in words."

"Will you tell me about the dreams?"

I sat up and clasped my hands together, my elbows were resting on my knees, and I glanced at her. "You know, I can try. But I don't know if you will understand."

"Allow me to try, Sam."

I nodded, "Well, there are always different ones. The first ones started years ago, my coworker hurt me when I lived in Hershey, it was only once but it still happened. That's one of the reasons I left, I think the guilt of not telling anyone but Nic is getting to me. He just came at me one night," I lifted my shirt to show her the scar running down my rib cage. "He had a steak knife and just hit me. I haven't told Eddie yet either." My eyes were getting teary, "That was the night I told my mom I was going to Stanford. My parents didn't take it well because their verbal punching bag was leaving."

"Did you want to talk more about that?"

I shook my head, "The second nightmare I started having was my senior year of college. I never brought myself to tell anyone about this, except Nic. I was in a really dark place because I couldn't play lacrosse anymore. I finally snapped, there was a night that I was on the rooftop, I didn't know what came over me. I was looking out at the horizon and started crying," It was like being thrown back into the moment. "I pulled myself on top of the ledge and carefully stood up, my leg was wrapped in a brace so I couldn't bend it. I cried out for help, but no one answered my pleas. I just wanted to end it all, but I couldn't bring myself to jump. I went to get down but slipped, luckily I was able to grab ahold of the railing before I could drop and Nic had also found me and helped pull me up. When I close my eyes, I'm back in that dark place. I-I wanted to die."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"Not when I'm awake, but when I'm asleep- I'm back in that dark tunnel again."

"And no one knows?"

I shook my head, "I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. Please don't tell anyone, it was one time and I haven't consciously had those thoughts since that night,"

"Consciously?"

"Well, yeah. In my nightmares, I am bringing myself down constantly. I have had those thoughts in my dreams, I know it sounds weird. I don't feel like that anymore though."

"Not even a little bit?"

I had to think for a moment, you know, I guess a little part of me never was able to get over how I truly felt that night. "No, I'm over it."

"What else do you have nightmares about?"

"Drowning, the tsunami. Being alone, Eddie dies after being shot. Buck is crushed by the fire truck, Maddie almost being murdered by her psychotic ex-husband! What isn't there to be afraid of?! Everything in my life has been a giant shit show! My parents never wanted me! Why would they want twins? What is there to be happy about in life?! I can't tell Eddie how I feel because I don't want him to feel responsible for all of my mental baggage and childhood trauma! He already has so much going on and I can't drop more on him, his PTSD is getting so much worse and I'm trying to handle it because I love him but when I'm not aware of it, he scares me sometimes. I just don't know how to help anyone anymore." I was shaking so badly and held my head in my hands. "I hate myself for feeling like this! I feel like I'm drowning! The pain is excruciating, I don't know how to handle this, my head is pounding, and my heart is splitting in two, I've never felt so alone before! The feelings from my past are catching up to me after pushing them down for so many years. I don't know what to do, I just want to..." I stopped... No, I can't be back in this place...

"...Die?" She asked.

I shook my head and let a few tears drop, "Yeah..." I whispered. I pulled my knees to my chest and shook my head, "This can't be happening... I can't go through this again."

"Sam?"

"No," I whispered.

"Samantha,"

"No," I croaked. "This almost killed me last time. I can't do this again. I don't want to die, I love my life. I love Eddie, I love Maddie, I love Evan, I love Christopher, I love Nic, I love Bobby and Athena, I love Hen, I love Chimney, I love my parents..." I glanced up. "How do I survive this?"

"With the help of your loved ones,"

"But I don't want them to know, I don't want to hurt them any more than they already have been."

"Samantha, I apologize but it is a bit too late for that I'm afraid,"

"What?" I looked up in confusion. In the doorway stood Eddie, Evan, Maddie, and Nic. I shrunk into a ball, "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to know."

All four of them were crying and I felt bad knowing that I caused that. "Sam-" Eddie tried but I couldn't.

I covered my ears and shook harder as my tears fell. "I didn't mean to!"

I felt arms wrap around me, "You have never been alone, Sam." Nic whispered.

"You never will be," Maddie added.

"We promise," Buck said.

"Just don't give up on us because we will never give up on you," Eddie finished.

I looked at Eddie, then at my siblings, and Nic before wrapping my arms around them as best I could. My mind didn't stop racing though, how much did they hear? What do they know? Can I trust them? Can I tell them everything that happened back home before Stanford..? I shouldn't burden them with so much, I'll just keep it to myself and pray that I don't explode from my emotions being pushed down for so long. I truly enjoyed this moment, but it wouldn't last. Sooner or later, everything would go to hell.