Where My Demons Hide

Chapter Thirty - Dragon

I couldn't remember the last time I ate. According to the calendar on my phone, I'd been away from Star for a week and a half. I didn't plan on staying away that long but as the days moved by, it became harder to go back.

I spent most of my day sitting by P'Win's gave. From time to time I'd bring a bottle of alcohol with me but wound up remember I'd have to ride back. Those days, I packed the bottle away and sat there, sober, feeling every hurt.

A couple of times Mae came by to leave flowers and found me there. The last day, I sat in the dirt with my head in her lap. Though she caressed my head as we spoke, I could feel nothing. She was the only mother I knew, the only mother's touch I remembered, and I couldn't feel the warmth. When Win was alive, I'd go over just to hug her, just to feel her. P'Win would stand back and smile watching us.

Tears streamed out of my eyes, soaking into her dress.

She caressed my head. "You don't want to hurt this boy." Mae told me. "I know you love Win. But at some point, you're going to have to share this amazing soul you have with someone else."

"I know. But a part of me wasn't ready to let go." I admitted. "And they forced me into this situation where now, I've fallen for someone else, and I can't help feeling as if I'm disrespecting both the memory of Win and what we were to each other. And secondly to Star, because he didn't ask to get dragged into my blackhole."

"And I understand that." Mae caressed my hair back from my face. "It's been a long time and I'm telling you, I'm okay with you moving on. My son would be okay. I can feel your heart breaking and he wouldn't have wanted that for you. My son loved you with everything."

I turned my face into her thigh.

"Do you love this man?" She asked.

I sat up and sighed. "Yes." It was foreign hearing my voice say that one word. "Oh, god!"

"Breathe, Dragon." She rubbed my back. "Listen to me, Nong. Love is never easy. It's rough and it's messy. And sometimes, it doesn't matter how you find the love. All that does matter is that you found it—or it found you. I don't agree with what your fathers have done. Things could have gotten really out of hand. But you've fallen for Star and I'm sure he has some feelings for you."

I hung my head.

"What's really bothering you?" Mae asked.

"I lost my temper in that office, Mae." I admitted. "The rage that was going through me, I never wanted Star to see any of that. On top of all of it, I seemed to have been angry over the wrong thing. Win is gone and I'm pretty sure I broke Star's heart with that."

"So, what are you going to do about all of this?"

"I need more time."

"And I respect that." Mae told me. "But if you need time, you're going to have to tell him that so he doesn't assume why you're not around. If I was him, I'd move on."

I growled.

"Don't growl at me." Mae laughed. "Look, even if you're not going back right now, at least reach out, let him know you're not punishing him."

I exhaled.

I treated her to lunch then walked her back to her car to see her off.

"And call your brother." Mae told me as she started the ignition. "He's worried about you."

I nodded. "khrap, mae."

Long after she was gone, I hopped back on my motorcycle and rode home and locked myself inside. After a shower, I sat shirtless on my bed, spinning my cell phone in my hand. I wanted to call Star. Hearing his voice would be the best thing. Maybe that would help me sleep nights without the nightmares and the darkness.