hoping that this rain will wash away my sorrows and help me grow again |lil peep

ten- i don't need you

delilah

i woke up before gus, the sun had just begun to rise. gus was sprawled on his side of the bed, the blonde and black sections of his hair messily tangled together on the pillow. he slept peacefully, breathing quietly. his bottom lip always stuck out a little when he slept, i found it cute.

the sunlight began to peek through the cracks in the curtains. i got up to open them, hopefully the natural light would help to wake him up. i admired the amazing boy sleeping next to me, "i love you, gus" i said quietly. it was so easy to say when he wasn't actually awake. every time i tried to tell him to his face i would freeze up, fearing he didn't feel the same.

gus tossed around a few times, extending his arms and legs to stretch. "morning" i told him. "morning" he yawned, not actually making any attempt to sit up. "lay with me" he told me. i slouched back down into the bed, turning over to lay my head and hand on his chest. "gus" i said anxiously, sharply inhaling. "what's wrong baby?" he asked. "i love you" i said, i finally worked up the nerve to just spit it out. it had been a second and he hadn't responded, i looked at him to see if he had heard me. gus stared at the wall behind my head, he looked partly shocked and partly like he was just staring into space.

"gus?" i asked, after he hadn't responded in close to a minute. "delilah..." he said, nothing else. "do you not feel the same?" i asked, a little offended. "i don't know" he said. "what do you mean you don't know? has this all been nothing to you?" i asked, anger and sadness fluctuating in my tone. "no d, you're everything to me" he said. "so..." i said, waiting for some sort of reciprocation of feelings although it was too late now for him to mean it.

"you don't love me" i said, coming to my own conclusion. gus sat up, resting his head forward on his knees. the 'exit life' tattoo on his back slightly moving across his skin as he leaned forward. "gus?" i asked again, waiting for some kind of response. "it's not that i don't" he said. "what the fuck does that mean?" i asked, very confused. "delilah, this is all very new and different to me. you mean the world to me and you're so special to me. i've never had something with someone like i do with you, most girls before we're just a 'fuck and go' thing but you're so much different" he told me. the tears finally fell from my eyes before i could speak again, i dried the edge of my eyes with my sweater sleeve.

"what does that mean gus?" i asked, now fully absorbed in sadness. i felt like a clown now. "i don't know what love is d, i don't know how to love, or be loved, or be in love. i can't do any of it" gus said, avoiding eye contact with me. "you can't?" i asked. he nodded. "if what you said is really true you can't even try to have anything to do with love, it shouldn't be hard to do if it's real" i said. "i can't d, i can't do love, i'm broken. i don't even know what it is to know if i feel it" gus told me again.

"after all we've been through? if what you feel about me is true and you can't even try to accept love then i don't need you gus. i can't do this" i told him, this was ridiculous. i felt played, used and stupid. "delilah, no. please i need you" gus begged me. "i've sacrificed so much for you gus, i'm not wasting my energy on someone who won't even try to reciprocate feelings for me" i had made up my mind.

i got out of bed. gus didn't say anything, he just looked at me with a pleading "please don't go" face. i frantically collected my clothes, purse and keys. my head was all over the place right now, i couldn't tell if i needed to cry, scream or curl into a ball in silence. "delilah" was all gus managed to stutter out. "goodbye gus" i said, walking out of his room and out of the apartment. he was a few steps behind me, trying to stop me. "d please, don't go. please delilah. i need you" he begged. i got in my car, not saying a word to him and drove off.

the road in front of my was clouded from the tears in my eyes. the other cars, signs and traffic lights nothing but blobs of colour i recognized just well enough to follow. i found myself driving in the direction of nate's apartment. then outside the building's main doors. then outside of his apartment's door. i knocked softly, hoping he was awake and at home.

"what?" nate opened the door, his hair was a mess and he was still in his pajamas. i must have woke him. "d, what's wrong?" he asked, waking up immediately as he noticed me crying at his doorstep. "gus" i said "you were wrong". "what do you mean?" he asked, bringing me inside. "he doesn't love me. he doesn't even want to try" i told nate, breaking down into sobs again. "delilah, he does i'm sure he just doesn't know it. gus is different, he doesn't even know how he feels. you should hear him talk about you though. he definitely loves you" nate tried to reassure me. "it doesn't matter anymore nate, i broke up with him. i don't need him if he can't even try, i've sacrificed so much for him and he's not even willing to try and understand his feelings for me" i told nate. he didn't question it, "whatever makes you happy" he told me.

"it hurts so bad" i told him, collapsing forwards and crying into his shoulder "i know" he said, wrapping me in a hug. "i love you d, i'm always here for you" nate told me. "love you too nate" i told him back. how was it that my ex loved me more than my actual boyfriend? well, both exes now. "can we lay down? i'm tired" i asked. i wasn't that tired, i just didn't want to be awake and feeling the emotional torture that was going on inside of me right now. "yeah" nate said, taking me back to his bed. i laid on the distantly familiar mattress, nate put a blanket over me and sat down beside me. i rested my head on his side, falling asleep almost immediately from the strain of crying.

a/n
last one fo today
what do u think so far?

chapter question: delilah and gus or delilah and nate 🤔🤔🤔