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liked by liltracy, kournikovax and 99 others gusahr i need amnesia for a day and an umbrella for the rain that hasn't gone away since you said you didn't need me. comments disabled
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i had fucked up, bad. i did love delilah, i just didn't know it to be true until the second after she was gone. i'd lost her and now i'd never have a chance to make things right. it hadn't stopped raining in days since she had walked out the door, almost as if the sky knew exactly how i was feeling.
i was an idiot, i think i knew i loved her when she told me but i didn't know how to sort out my own feelings. i should have told her i would try for her, is she gave me the chance. i would have tried for her, i just needed some time to learn and understand. i've never felt this feeling before, i felt like i was walking into a big black void with no clue of what was to come and it was overwhelming.
i could have learned, i could have. delilah wanted someone who was ready now though. she lost her patience and i don't blame her, i was a stupid mess of emotions and confusion. i wouldn't want to deal with that baggage either. i contemplated texting her to tell her that i loved her. i knew now, but i knew it was too late. she didn't have to tell me that.
she was probably with nate right now, it hurt to think about that. perhaps i was always a little jealous of their relationship. maybe they weren't soulmates per say, but he was ready, stable and level headed enough to be in a relationship. he was what delilah needed right now, not me. i wanted it to be me so badly though.
i tried to avoid any thoughts of the possibility of us getting back together, that would just get my hopes up and crush me even harder when it didn't come true. i couldn't take anymore sadness from this right now. so i let myself think that this was the end. delilah and i were over. i may never see her again, she'll never love me again and i'll never have my chance to love her properly.
i wanted to be with someone right now, but delilah hates me, nate would hate me too. the rest of the guys would tell me it's my fault and i was stupid for leading her on when i knew i wasn't ready for a serious relationship. i had no one left really. i could maybe talk to adam, he and nate were the ones everyone went to for everything. they could always help or just listen.
i untangled myself from the blankets in my bed just enough to reach my dresser. i grabbed a lighter and a preroll to spark. i blew the smoke out into my room, leaving the air hazy. i didn't feel like getting out of bed today, maybe tomorrow. i need emotion novocaine.
gus adam i messed up
adam what happened?
gus delilah left me a few days ago
adam what happened?
gus she told me she loved me
adam is that not good?
gus yes, but i couldn't say it back
adam do you not love her?
gus i do
adam why didn't you then
gus i didn't realize until it was too late. she was gone
adam why couldn't you before?
gus i've never been in love before adam you know that i don't know how to or how to be love idk what love is i got scared and confused and didn't know how i felt or what to say i didn't even realize love is what i felt until she left i'm a mess she just ran out of patience for me
adam both of you need a few days gus. you're both emotional right now and not thinking clearly. reach out to her in a few days when both of your heads are clear. tell her the truth explain how you felt are you willing to try and figure yourself out for her?
gus yes id do anything
adam tell her she wants to hear it, i know she does just let both of you calm down
gus i don't want to get my hopes up
adam you're not you're just telling her how you feel no outcome is guaranteed just let whatever happens happen
gus do you think she's with nate? do you think she's happier with him?
adam it doesn't matter let her cope how she needs to if she wants you she'll have you back if you show her you mean it
gus i feel lost without her i didn't realize how much i needed her until she was gone
adam don't expect anything from her but if she wants to she'll come back don't push her just tell her how you feel and let her come back to you if she wants to
gus i love her i know i do now
adam it's good you've found clarity in yourself
gus does everyone else hate me?
adam i don't think anyone else knows what happened but no one is going to hate you promise buddy we love ya everyone struggles
gus my friendship with nate is probably completely done now my girl can't keep bouncing back between the two of us and we can just act like everything is fine between us i'm jealous i am i want to be able to love her like he does it seems so easy for him
adam jealousy will make it all worse you guys are friends and you both care about delilah so if you really truly care about her both of you will be happy with whoever she chooses to be happy with you're different people gus you're learning now this is new for you that's okay if it isn't d, you'll make someone else very happy
gus i'm gonna be better i promise i can't be with anyone else
a/n hoping for 2-3 more chapters today
chapter question: have u gotten covid yet? i don't know anyone who has
i also haven't even had to be tested b4 i'm built different 😎
