The Me You Can't See (H.S)

01

TW: Mentions of Sexual Assault/Violence/Mental Health

This chapter deals with mature content so please read at your own risk!!!! I would like to mention that this is vital to the storyline and character! I would never include details pertaining to issues such as sexual assault/violence/mental health/etc.., if it was not important to the storyline.

Thank you!!!

Enjoy!!

-O

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Haven's POV:

Daddy please, I'm sorry we were just playing around. . .please it won't happen again. I swear I'm not lying, not again. . .

I open my eyes. . .god not again, please not again. I'm awake, it's only a dream but it wasn't just a dream, it was my reality for most of my life. I try to move and focus on wiggling my fingers and toes but to no prevail. Like I said I'm awake but my body's still asleep so here I am trying not to panic as I have another sleep paralysis episode.

I was a good girl. . .Mama help me! I scream

She can't help you now. . .

My chest feels heavy and I can't really breathe. . .I shiver as I can still feel the blade and his hands running up and down my thighs and I want to move, kick, scream, and tell him, no but I can't. I just wanted to feel safe and sleep, close my eyes and forget my reality, the life that I was stuck with but once again he follows me wherever I am. This is why I don't sleep because when I do I become vulnerable and vulnerability only leads to pain.

Slowly I get back feeling in my hands and toes, my chest doesn't feel as heavy and I know it's almost over. This has been happening since I was 12, caused by the people. . .well person who was supposed to keep me safe. I guess I should thank daddy dearest, after all, he taught me the most important lesson, life is an illusion, and who you trust will depend on what illusion you see. I trusted the wrong people and it's got me to where I am today. . .alive wishing for death. But I won't give him that satisfaction.

I wish I had listened to my instincts! I should have learned from my mistakes. . .I should have known better.

After I've finally woken up I know I won't be falling back asleep nor would I want to. . .you saw what happened. I look over to my alarm to see that it's no later than 4:15 in the bloody fucking morning. I instantly climb out of bed and sift through my kitchen cabinet looking for any remaining bottle of alcohol.

I hit the jackpot as I move to the balcony of my shitty apartment, whiskey bottle in hand and repeat my cycle after another nightmare.

I lean against the railing of my balcony popping whatever pill I had into my mouth, washing it down with Target's best whiskey. I'm fully aware that this is not whatsoever a healthy way to deal with trauma but what the fuck else am I supposed to do. I can't exactly go to a therapist and say, "well, I'm severely fucked up because my dad, who is the leader of the most powerful cartels in the world is a son of a bitch who molested, physically assaulted, and beat me within an inch of my life on multiple occasions. Also, have I mentioned that Haven Mallard isn't my real name because I faked my death and disappeared". Yeah, I'm not really sure my problems can be solved within the powers of a therapist.

I'm fucked up simple as that. . .always have been, always will be. Oh for fucks sake. . .your probably thinking what the fuck is going on considering I haven't told you yet. Great now I have to explain this shit show again. Listen carefully cause I ain't gonna explain this bullshit again, so sit back, shut the fuck up, and enjoy the show cause it's about to get morbid.