The Me You Can't See (H.S)

12

TW: Mental Health/Self harm

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haven's POV:

It's been a couple of days since the incident. Overall, I'm doing fine, it didn't bring up too much, since Harry thankfully came at the right time. But sadly that didn't stop me from feeling violated . . .contaminated.

Whenever shit like this had happened in the past I always ended up feeling dirty. I knew from a young age that I wasn't to blame for what happened to me but that didn't stop me from feeling tainted.

I think that's also why I'm obsessed with taking baths and why I felt such a comfort in them. I also thought that my problems and the actions of that day would wash away the minute the last drop of water swirled down the drain and disappeared forever.

After Harry had brought me up to the rooftop and I all but poured my heart out to him, we just stood there leaning against the edge staring at the sunrise. Looking at the horizon with Harry standing beside me, I felt content, I wasn't sad or paranoid. . .I was just a girl standing next to a guy looking at the light return to the dark sky. I felt normal.

He eventually drove me home. . .I didn't even bother changing so I spent the somewhat long drive in his clothes.

I definitely know that he is not getting these back unless he asks because they are so fucking comfy. I need to ask him where he gets this shit, it's like wearing a blanket.

By the time we got into the car, I was so tired from the lack of sleep I got the night before that I accidentally told him my real address instead of the one a block from where I actually lived. I was too tired to even yell at myself for the careless mistake.  I ended up falling asleep for the entirety of the drive and was woken up by Harry softly shaking my shoulder, whispering my name. It was not a bad way to wake up.

The small drive from his apartment, well penthouse to mine was surprisingly long enough to have me waking up feeling refreshed and somewhat well rested.

Honestly, I'm shocked I really slept at all.

I told Harry how thankful I was once again and even surprised myself when I pulled his body against mine, engulfing him in a long hug.

With my face in his neck, I held onto him for dear life, taking in his scent as his hold never loosened. I needed that.

My lips ever so gently puckered to leave a faint kiss against the side of his neck before I pulled away with a smile. From his reaction, he thankfully didn't seem to notice the action.

I gathered my things and noticed that Harry waited until I got into my apartment to leave.

The minute I got into my apartment I stripped off all his clothes and threw them into the washer. My once calm, smiley façade is now gone and replaced with one of sadness and despair. 

The shock of the accident didn't register until I was walking to Harry's car realizing that I was once again going to be alone. . .alone with my thoughts and I couldn't even talk to Zayn to help me through it. I'd been a little numb trying to push it back into the far parts of my brain until I was alone to fully comprehend it without having someone there to witness it.

For someone who was taught to be the predator, I get treated a lot more like the prey.

Speaking of Zayn, he still hasn't called me back.

How ignorant could I have been?

After throwing my clothes into the machine I immediately ran into the bathroom to start filling up the tub. I didn't bother checking the temperature as I set it to a little less than scalding. As the water filled up the tub, the steam fogged up the mirror of the bathroom just in time to cover up my reflection, I reached below my sink to pull out a loofah and a rag.