The Me You Can't See (H.S)

03

TW: Brief mention of self harm/ substance abuse

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Haven's POV:

I catch Zayn staring at me through the reflection of my mirror as we get ready for my birthday tonight.  We'd spent the day of his arrival catching up, talking about some of his new missions, my job, my next location etc, and it was nice. No, I'm lying it was amazing talking to someone other than yourself. . .you know after a while of having inner monologues for months at a time you start to feel like you're going a little crazy and just talking to someone else about my problems just kind of proves that I am still in fact sane and have not lost my shits quite yet.

"What?" I ask

"Are we gonna talk about what happened last night or are we gonna continue to pretend like nothing happened." Zayn finally asks the question I've been dreading since I woke up.

"I don't know what you're talking about I'm fine," I respond with false conviction.

"When did it start up again?" He asks.

At the mention of his question, I immediately avert my gaze from his that I'd previously matched through the mirror. See the thing is I'd told Zayn about my nightmares, but I might have also told him that they stopped a little after I escaped, making up some bullshit that since I was no longer living with him that I was fine, which to my luck he believed after some convincing.

"Haven, when did they start up?" He asks again firmly, having a feeling he already knows the answer.

"They um. . .they never actually stopped," I say quietly. Zayn had never noticed in his past visits because I thankfully didn't have one and was able to avoid the conversation altogether, but this time I wasn't so lucky.

"What do you mean they never stopped! Haven you promised me you would tell me if they continued or If they got worse and judging by what I saw last night they have definitely got fucking worse." Zayn is now mad, he never calls me by either of my names and I know I should have said something but I just couldn't.

"Zayn, I know what I promised but what good would it have done? We are thousands of miles apart,  not to mention that we can't just call each other whenever we need to, or did you just completely forget that I am supposed to be dead. What If I called you one night and someone else picked up, we would be fucked." I say not quite done with my rant just yet. "Do you know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call you? Every night because that's how often they happen, but I can't, for both your safety and mine. I know you would never leave me and that we're in this together and I am eternally grateful, but Zayn I am essentially alone in this and we both know that. There's only so much you can do" I finish off out of breath and emotional from my outburst.

Zayn looks at me with watery eyes and says nothing but walks up to me and hugs me from behind.

"I know, I'm sorry it was just so hard seeing what happened last night Cherry. It freaked me the fuck out. . .It kind of looked like you were having an exorcism. But seriously what happened?" He says his head laying on my shoulder.

I chuckle at his attempt to make me feel better, "It started a little after I got to Australia. You know I always had horrible nightmares and their still the same ones but now my mind wakes up before my body does and the dreams just feel so real. I searched it up and it's this thing called sleep paralysis or something, all I know is that it is terrifying." I tell Zayn who is looking at me sympathetically.

"Are you still, you know?" He asks referring to the cuts on my legs where my scars are.

"Yes," I say in a whisper looking down at my fingers ashamed.