The Me You Can't See (H.S)

46

Haven's POV:

I know I need to go pee but my muscles are to tired to do so and I instead opt to relax a little while longer.

I told Harry I felt amazing and I did, I do, but when the events of tonight comes crashing down, a large wave of guilt washes over me. Even with Harry's arms wrapped around me, his fingers running through my hair I feel like I've done something wrong. And I hate it, I hate it so fucking much because I trusted myself in knowing I was ready to have sex and properly this time.

The guilt and feelings of doing something wrong is like an itch I can't fucking reach and its so frustrating because though this is what I'm feeling, I don't know why I feels like this. It's like an invisible cloud of guilt has enveloped me from head to toe surrounding me.

"Are you okay?" Harry questions, breaking the silence.

A ball forms in my throat and I look to him plastering a fake smile on my face, a smile I wish was genuinely real. I nod my head knowing that if I spoke, my lie could be heard from a mile away. I continue nodding my head quickly as my eyes burn and the ball makes it harder to breathe.

"No you're not baby." he whispers my answer, reading my thoughts while brushing my hair behind my ear and my nods slowly change into shakes as I move my head side to side. A genuine sad smile now over taking the features of my face.

"Do you want me to run you a bath?" he asks and my body warms from his thoughtfulness.

I nod again and he places a sweet kiss on my forehead before leaving me alone in bed with the comforter pulled up to my chin.

For the next several minutes, I'm left alone with my thoughts as they continue to grow and stir and evolve so fast that I can barely keep up. The brain is an amazing thing and I know that, but why does my mine have to fuck with me so much?

Why couldn't I have just enjoyed the moment for what it was? I know this will pass, these feelings and I'll grow to realize that I have nothing to feel shameful or guilty about. But right now I can't think of anything else.

Even now I know I have no reason to feel this way because I know I've done nothing wrong. I had sex with someone I love more than anyone else in this world and it's not like it the premarital part that I care about because fuck that shit.

But yet I still feel guilty. My lack of capability to fully understand my feelings is driving me up the wall because I so desperately want to understand and find a way to stop this.

It's like I know what I want to say yet I can't find the words and I have no way to express how and what I want. Like my mind is in the middle of forming a thought and then it just. . .stops, and I'm back to square one.

This itch to feel the burn of alcohol or the smoke from a cigarette filling my lungs has my fingers twitching.

As if hearing my internal thought, Harry walks out of the bathroom with billows of steam following him. Upon reaching my side of the bed, he hands me a white robe with a kiss on the head before turning around to grant me the privacy I don't even need to ask for.

Another reason I'm frustrated right now. He was perfect, did all the right things and despite knowing my past, for the most part he didn't treat me like I was going to break. He treated me like me, but here I am probably ruining what was once a great moment.

On top of my guilt, I must be making him feel just the same with my childish antics and silent tantrum.

I slip the soft white robe around my body, my eyes never leaving Harry. After climbing out of bed, I tap him gently on the shoulder and he turns around with a smile. With his expression never once faltering, he leads me to the bathroom, my hands in his and I'm surprised to see the bathtub filled with bubbles and a few candles lit around it.