Monochromatic: Haikyuu Fanfic

Chapter 14: Loss

Dear Mom,

Something happened today, and I learned a lot of things - I'm not sure if it's true... Iwaizumi warned me not to prod further but... I've said it before, but I never really witnessed it firsthand. In fact, I've never thought I had to.

It's been a couple weeks since Aobajousai went against Shiratorizawa. To put it simply, they lost. Iwaizumi told me on their ride home that day - through call. I remember him telling me before how they all worked really hard, sweat and sheer determination in all of those rigorous practices to finally defeat them - especially Oikawa. To be no longer in second place. Champions. They've been trying since junior high. He told me all these things, and all I did was listen. There were no noises picked up by the phone - no signs of Oikawa's voice.

It must be devastating - so tiring and frustrating. Feelings so crushingly painful to the point of not being able to articulate words.

I didn't know how this felt. I didn't know what to say in any means to comfort, so I just listened.

I did nothing.

Last time I saw Oikawa on the court, it was entirely different.

Everything used to be so bright, like a brightly lit gymnasium, filled with liveliness and cheerful yells.

He looked so concentrated and fiery, ready to take on the opponents before him. His hands knowingly dribble the volleyball again and again with great practice. He tosses the ball up, and it soars up high in the air as he runs up to it, every flex of his muscles perfectly timed -

But then the lights turn off. Everything turns black. There is only silence.

I guess even bluest of skies cry too - clouds start to clump together and swirl into a murky soup of gray. You start to hear distant rumbles, like the kind that warns what's coming - faint and distant yet low, similar to the calm before the storm. When you look above, it's no longer a clear blue canvas with stretched out cotton. No - only you see thick, dense mass of clouds, dark and heavy, hovering over the edge of pouring out.

And before you know it, the skies to which had never looked so gray, start crying too.

This is so confusing, to be honest. I thought school prince types are never the ones to cry - they're supposed to be strong and cool. In the manga, they're not to show signs of weaknesses like that, or wail, the franchise will be a flop if they add in the prince who cries more than the female protagonist. In fact, I've never seen Ayame cry before. And as for Oikawa well...

It's silly to think like that anyway.

Yet there he was.

And as for me, I thought I'm a reader, an observer of everything. I'm only here to watch, but to never get involved. I'm to stay in my own lane. If I were to be in such thing, the closest role I could ever be is a supporting character - a background character who's there to set the background, the the one who stands in the benches in a volleyball game, or the audience in which the protagonist performs for.

I'm just another part of the crowd, and I'm perfectly fine with someone else taking the lead. Maybe some say I'm disconnected from the world, but it's much less risk that way. Less trouble. I'm alright with watching, it's enough entertainment for me.

So now I wonder: why me?

You would think that someone like Oikawa would be gloomy and dejected after the loss at Shiratorizawa. He would be much quieter and everything around him would seem gray. I was wrong.

In fact, he looked much more cheerful these days, he talked more often and his smile never faltered one bit. After the tournament closing to an end, practices after school lessened, and that somehow meant in Oikawa's terms,that I'm obligated to walk home with him. On walks home he continues blabber about his day - even louder and more annoying than it usually is. He wore that sickly sweet smile - something I noticed he uses for the past few days - forced - like bitter honey.

Everything is definitely off.

Today on our walk home, Oikawa was loud as always. His mouth won't stay still, it keeps on blabbing on and on, and it's to the point that I've failed to pay attention to whatever he's saying. His eyes are only focused on the road before him, a smile plastered on his face. It's sickening.

I'm done with this.

My feet halts to a stop.

Oikawa does too, turning around and cocking his head in confusion at me. His eyes blinked expectantly and the his smile was still evident.

"Are you alright, Ume -"

"I'm sick of it."

His initial response was one of mild surprise, his eyebrows etching upwards. He pouts innocently, "what are you talking about? "

It's irritating when he does this, I thought. I sighed through my nose in exasperation, and my gaze at him hardened.

"Stop playing dumb. Look - I know you're devastated of what happened to your team... I get it, but it's not healthy at all to pretend like nothing happened and keep it all in. It's not like you at all."

I wanted him to feel some kind of emotion - like rage or sadness or frustration - something... I wanted him to yell at me or scream. Anything that will let him take it all out.

Instead he stood still. His irises are so small, and he blinks a couple of times in shock to shake them off. His smile melted into a frown, trembling slightly - subtle to the eyes. He shuts his eyes close and takes a sharp, shaky inhale.

Then he started to cry.

He cried hard.

It was the child-like cry, maybe if you were here you would know how to comfort him, because you're always good with children, being a mom you are. But me? I don't know what to do. I've always watched, distant and uninterruptive. I don't know how to cheer people up. So I stood there watching him sniffing and wailing and I...

With no more options, I just hugged him tight. His cries silences and he stiffens for a split second, and so did I. When I realized the impulsiveness of my move, I slowly withdraw my arms apologetically but then...

I felt two hands press at my back, firm yet gentle. He slumps weakly and leans on me.

Wordlessly, he leans his forehead to bury his face on my shoulder.

There was something odd about hugging Oikawa - with his usual carefree attitude, I had never really thought he could be capable to show something as vulnerable as this. He scented of faint scent of laundry detergent and his shampoo. The fabric of my sleeve continues to dampen with warm tears, and the hands on my back clenched on my shirt tightly as he cried, as if I was his only lifeline.

Somehow, the atmosphere grew heavier - like the humidity and stillness before rain.

We stayed like that for a while, patting Oikawa's back awkwardly and he clings onto me like a child. He hiccups, and I heard him whisper shakily as he cried, muffled by my uniform, "what did I do wrong? I tried my best didn't I? I've worked so hard and yet..."

"Why did I deserve this? Why am I still not good enough?"

I remained quiet.

You would've been able to cheer him up somehow, like you always did. It seems like you've always gotten along with Oikawa and Iwaizumi well whenever I brought them over to our house, so cheering them up will be easy for you. I'm still confused though - why the prince type would cry like that, or if a I really am a side character. I'm still trying to find out whose story this really is, knowing that it's definitely not Karasuno's nor Aobajousai's.

This world is all to confusing to be compared to a book.

Right now, I just hope that all of his bottled up feelings would finally be let loose, maybe somehow I was able to help him. Maybe I didn't make him smile or laugh, but I think I was able to help.

I sure hope so.