Timothèe Chalamet Imagines

a note from me

Trigger Warning: I'm going to be writing about grief, death, depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder.

I know. a lot. you don't have to read this all, but skip to the bold because I have some things I need help with, and hopefully others can benefit from your responses.

hey, so I'm going to delete this later, but I just wanted to update you:

my grandma is dying, and it fucking sucks. I've been down a depressive spiral, my eating disorder is worse than ever, and today out of nowhere I learned that my grandma is very sick, and is in hospice. I've gone to six funerals in the past few years for people on this side of my family, and they were all very close members to me. I've been to way too many funerals. I should really have a cute black funeral dress at this point.

my eating disorder consumes me every second of every day. it scares me, it weakens me, and it exhausts me.

I am a senior in high school this year, and I've had huge hopes for college since I was young. I got into several amazing schools out of state, but my family can't afford them. when I tell you I've wanted to go out of state from the beginning, I mean it. I hate it here, and I was so hopeful for a change. I was so hopeful to get out of here and be in a completely new environment. accepting the fact that I will be stuck in state not because of myself, but because of my financial situation, is fucking awful. I toured my in state college the other day, and I hate it. it just sucks.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have these days that feel like glimmers of hope, but I always end up getting bad news or going down a depressive spiral. I am trying so hard.

it's now sort of a running joke in my friend group that I attract tragedy. seriously - I know how much I've vented on here and how many things I've vented about, but for real I can't make this shit up. this is all real. this disaster is my life. and I know it could be worse, but for the time being I have the right to call my life a disaster. I haven't even written about half of my issues.

I am so grateful for all of your sweet comments and messages. I never want to use this platform for my own personal gain, and I truly don't want you to feel obligated to support me as a person - if you're just here for my writing, I get it.

I always say I won't be updating as much but then I always do, because this platform makes me so happy. I know a lot of my stuff is dark and not for everyone, so thank you to those of you who stick around and read even though what I write isn't always uplifting. they say to write what you know - and that's what I do. the reality is that it's dark. and it sucks.

I write this partially to vent, but also because I have some very important questions: to those of you who suffer from depression and anxiety, what do you do to cope? please, please tell me. what do you do to get through bad days? how do you fall asleep at night with anxiety? what movies do you watch when you feel depressed? how do you find hope in the middle of it all?

please let me know. these are things that sometimes help me:

1. the website blurtitout.org has great articles and make me feel less insane

2. kid's movies that can distract me and make me feel better. my favorite when I'm extremely depressed is Inside Out

3. following this meditation from the Goodful YouTube channel:

4. reaching out to a friend and talking to them. this hasn't been a solid option for me lately, as I've been feeling extremely guilty for talking to my friends so often about my problems, and I know I can't reciprocate their effort to help me at the moment due to my mental state.

that's all I can think of for now. everyone is different, so certain things like listening to music or reading books do not always help me. music tends to make me more upset, and books are often too much effort for me when I'm depressed. but everyone is different (:

sorry that this is so disorganized. and I'm also sorry if some of my more recent things have spelling/grammar errors in them; I usually edit everything I post but finding that energy has been hard lately.

thanks for reading to here if you did, and please let me know how you handle mental health struggles. I love you all very much <3