Conflicted (Flip Zimmerman)

45. Rebirth

*A/N: Hey y'all, sorry about the delay, especially after the last chapter 😬 anyway... there will be flashbacks in this -Ren❤️*

It was your nightmare come to life. You felt like your body was shutting down. The one person that was supposed to be there for you didn't even see you in the same light anymore. Tears clouded your vision. You didn't care to wipe them away; you didn't care to see the road. You didn't realize where you were driving until the road began to wind and the city lights disappeared. Your mind was going as fast as your car was.

The moment you stopped the car you grabbed one of the bottles you purchased as well as Flip's trucker jacket for your small trek. It was a desperate move but you just wanted some type of comfort. You hadn't been here in a while. It was odd being back. In complete isolation, you sobbed as the clearing came into view. You were overstimulated with memories as if you were reliving it moment by moment:

The fight with James, James overpowering you, Flip getting trapped, James nearly killing Flip, the bullet hitting your shoulder blade. Then everything went black.

Reliving those gut wrenching memories made you sick. You couldn't hold it in anymore and vomited behind a tree. Your throat burned each time vomit spewed out. The last time you vomited this much you were literally under James's boot. It was his favorite pastime with you. James would cover your mouth and strike your stomach, laughing each time you gagged on your own vomit. It was a test to see how long you could hold it, he would even time you.

"Please stop," you sobbed, clutching the bottle close to your chest. "Make it stop." You began to hyperventilate, your brain was on fire. "Please stop! I'm so fucking tired!" You screamed falling to your knees. "I-I can't," you cried out. "I can't do this."

The black hole of memories sucked you in as your body trembled. Everything was numb. You felt so alone. If Flip could push you away, what made you think Freya wouldn't too? If Flip was this concerned about your mental state, you were sure everyone else was as well. The scar on your ring finger was a reminder of close to the edge you were and how far James pushed you.

It felt like your mind was chanting, almost screaming your fears. Flip's words kept repeating among them. The look in his eyes, you had never seen it before. It terrified you, but his words scared you even more. Had he fallen out of love with you? Did he see you as a huge burden? Was that why he did what he did?

'It's like I don't even know you.' Flip looked at you with such disgust. Why hadn't you noticed sooner? You felt so stupid, betrayed, humilated. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and let this cloud your judgement. Your hands flew to your head trying to cancel the white noise that was brewing in your mind.

"I fucking hate myself," you cried trying to catch each breath, practically choking on your sobs. "What the fuck is wrong with me?!" You screamed letting the bottle hit the grass patch beneath you.

You continued to scream until your voice went out. That's all you wanted to do, all you could do. You felt so lost. The realization that you were all alone hit you as each of your screams echoed through the woods. You felt unworthy of anyone's presence. You didn't deserve anything.

"I-I am nothing, I deserve nothing." You croaked. You remembered James laughing as you repeated his words. You sunk even deeper into the dirt , opened the bottle of liquor and cried. It felt as if your guts were about to burst from your stomach. You gripped your abdomen, choking on each breath you took. You just wanted it to stop.

'Black Raven'

It felt like it had been years since you and Freya used the code word. It was something Freya thought of after your mom left. Sometimes it was hard for you to express when you were having a bad day. "Raven" by itself meant that you didn't want to talk, but "black raven" meant you wanted to be left alone. Freya thought your choice was odd considering that you lived with your fiance. How exactly would being alone work?