Mamihlapinatapai

Chapter 12

Ember

Wala kaming imikan pareho ni Cray nang makarinig ng mga yabag na papunta sa direksyon naming dalawa.

I smiled bitterly.

That's quite fast, Mom.

Nakatitig lang ako sa vintage watch na ibinigay nito sakin. There's a tracker inside. Minodify nito iyon para kung sakaling kailangan ko ng tulong ay mabilis ako nitong matutunton. She gave it to me when I turned 13 and decided to go abroad para sa competition. Akala ko babawiin nito iyon pagkatapos pero sinabi lang nito that i deserve it and that I don't have to give it back.

Wala pang ten minutes nang pindutin ko iyon pero heto at naririnig ko na yung malakas na boses nya na tinatawag yung pangalan ko.

Mom..

I badly want to throw myself into her and cry my heart out. But that would be truly pathetic. I am no longer a child that needs her protection. Yet, I am still asking for her help right now.

Because the pain is too much.

"Ember.."

Napaangat yung tingin ko nang huminto sa harapan ko yung pamilyar na pigura nito. Hinihingal pa nga ito na marahil ay dulot ng pagtakbo. Nakasuot lang ito ng silk nighties na pinatungan ng robe. Tanging bedroom slippers pa yung suot nito. Gusto ko tuloy maiyak lalo.

Why are they always deeming you as a monster, Mom? You're helping other people with all the means you've got. Maybe not always in conformation of the societal norms. Maybe your way is wrong. But your will is always good. So why are they all hating us?

"You're not allowed to set a foot in here. Hindi ba?" Tumikhim ito at saka masungit na inusig ako. But behind those demeanor, I can see the way she sigh in relief knowing that I am safe. My Mom might be too strict but she isn't a bad person. She loves us. She'll die for us.

"C-Can I-I.." Napaubo ako ng sunod sunod. Too much for controlling my tears from falling.

"Tsk." Palatak ni Mommy at saka parang bata na niyakap ako. "Tingnan mo inuubo ka na. Alam mo namang bawal ka mahamugan."

There. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan yung pag-agos ng luha ko. She knows. She knows it.

"Mom.."

Hindi ako mabilis kapitan ng sakit. Kahit nga yata magdamag akong bumabad sa dagat ay hindi ako sisipunin. My mother knows that. But here she is, finding me an excuse, to cry onto her. To cling onto her.

I sniff while my head is still buried on the crook of her neck.

"C'mon, baby. Mom got no jacket to offer. Sinisipon ka na din. Does it hurt?" Masuyong sabi nito na hinaplos pa yung likod ko. Sunod sunod naman akong tumango. Halos mapahagulgol na ako habang pilit na pilit na huwag gumawa ng ingay. I think my lower lip is already bleeding from controlling my sob and stiffling my silent cries.

Walang imik na binuhat ako nito. Like a mother that's ready to protect her daughter.

"Sleep here, Cray." Pautos na pagkakasabi nito nang marahil ay napansin nito na hindi ako nag-iisa. Hindi na ako nag-angat ng tingin para silipin pa si Cray. I've got too much bruises from her onslaught awhile ago. I don't want to add salt to bleed more.

"I want to go home." Dinig ko na demand ni Cray. Para ngang hindi na ito natatakot kay Mommy nang sabihin iyon. "I don't belong here."

Mas lalong humigpit yung pagkakayakap sakin ni Mommy. It's as if helding me too tight will shield me from the pain.

No, Mom. Your hugs no longer work. The magic stops years ago. When I realize that not everything can be healed by your gentle touch on my head. Hindi lahat ng sugat hinihipan lang at nawawala na yung sakit. It doesn't always work like that.