Mamihlapinatapai

Chapter 34

Cray

"One day you will tell what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide. Pay forward."

I tried not to choke into tears when I close my old sketchpad after reading that note. The last line was something that Ate Grant wrote at the last page of my sketchpad. I know it was her. She's the one who taught me how to draw.

Gaya ng papel na hawak ko, halatang matagal na din iyon naisulat. Bahagyang nagblot pa nga yung ink niyon at halos mabura na.

All these years, It took me so long to realize that one thing. Ate Grant is the only person who chose to remember.

As I was too busy running away, trying to bury the past that's haunting me, Ate Grant was the bad person in everyone's stories. She was the monster that robbed my future where in fact, she's the one who gave me hope. But she choose to keep her silence. She shared my drowning suffocated silence when everyone's voice condemning her are within the surface.

She was a murderer. A killer. She was a devil. A monster. Yet those hands that killed a lot of people, the hands that ripped my monsters' throats, the hands that ends people lives, is both the same hands that opens another door for the likes of us.

How could a person be someone's silent wish, granted?

Whatever I've went through, she was there, saving me. In her own ways. The only light that's pulling me back to reality.

She's always sending me gifts for all occasion, making sure my existence is remembered and wanted. Nung mga panahong pinapagalitan nya ko. Nung mga panahong sinasabihan nya ko na masama manghingi ng manghingi.

It all occurred to me now. She doesn't want me to beg. She doesn't want me to ask for something that's not willingly given. She just wants me to set my expectations so low. She wants me to strive hard and prove that someday I can be someone anyone could be proud of.

She was there. All along, I wasn't alone. She was there, sharing her family and friends.

It hit me so hard that I couldn't stop the tears that's running freely on my cheeks. My lips are trembling for trying to control my silent cries.

I thought all this time that what I want is to just die and disappear. But I never thought, the child within me, is just waiting for that time, to be finally found.

"Cray?" Nagtatakang lumapit sakin si Ember habang nandito pa din ako sa deck ng yacht na dala ni Cariette. Pabalik na kami ng Manila.

Umalis kasi ito sandali dahil kakausapin daw nito si Rainey na mas pinili sumabay samin kesa ang bumyahe pabalik ng Manila gamit yung aircraft ng mga ito. Nangako daw kasi ito kay Elle na isasama ako nito pabalik, at all cost. And when I say at all cost, it really includes monetary value dahil hindi naman ito nakasakay ng libre dito nang walang binabayad sa tusong pinsan ni Ember.

Nagmamadaling pinahid ko yung luha ko at ngumiti dito. I guess I failed doing that on time dahil nakalapit na ito sakin pero sumisinghot pa din ako. "Yas, babe?"

Ilang minuto nitong pinag-aralan yung itsura ko bago mas piniling yakapin ako mula sa likuran at isandal yung baba sa kanang balikat ko. "Nothing." Umiling ito at ngumiti. "I just thought I need a hug. Come here. Give me a warm hug."

Natatawang hinigpitan ko yung kapit sa mga kamay nitong nakayakap sakin. Just like a true Silva, Ember really got that traits from her mother. She's so good in saving me.

"How's talking to Rainey?" I couldn't help but to ask para mawala yung atensyon nito sakin. Saka isa pa, kahit papaano naman ay nag-aalala pa din ako dito dahil matalik na kaibigan pa din ito ni Elle. I'm sure Elle will be hurt knowing that Rainey is hurting.