you led my heart {dreamnotfound}

zero.

g e o r g e
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And with every day that passed since then, with every word you spoke; every moment you hated me, loved me, I fell a little bit deeper. It was wrong; to love a best friend. But nothing could have made me happier. You were the best mistake I ever made.

Maybe I should have left you; all those years back. But where would I be then. Most likely dead. In some ways, I think you saved me. I think you're the reason I'm still here. But, you're also the reason I want to die. Not you specifically, rather the fact that you could never love me in the ways I love you.

God, you are the definition of love.

Your eyes, your hair, the way you feel against my skin. One can imagine. I want to touch you. I truly do. But how? How can I touch you when you're so far away.

I don't think I can do this anymore. Pretend. It's all much too difficult. To live. To breathe. To love.

What is the point of love, even?
It only causes heartbreak in the end.
Well, that's what I assume at least.
Anyone I have ever thought I loved, had left.
Parents.
Friends.
Him.
And now you.

With you, I thought it would be different.
With you, it seemed the world was peaceful.
That all the puzzle pieces fit together, perfectly.
But then someone came along and slid it off the table.
Now, I can't find the missing pieces.

You're the missing piece, Clay.
I need you.
But you don't want me. Do you?

Maybe, I'm overreacting.
Maybe, I'm overthinking this.
Maybe . . .

But, some things are never meant to be.

We were meant to be best friends.
Not lovers.
How could I be so so foolish.

You were the best mistake.
Maybe you're not even a mistake.
Perhaps, I'm wrong.
But, what if I'm not?
What if when I tell you how I feel, and you laugh.

I would still love you, though.
You are the only person I have ever truly loved.
Love.
What a beautiful word.
But Death is more suiting.

I deserve Death.
Not Love.

I deserve death, Clay.
Not you.

373 words
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