you led my heart {dreamnotfound}

half.

c l a y
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It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure I will ever be able to. But a world without is a world I don't want to live in; a world I don't even want to imagine.

It's almost as if you knew how much pain I was in.
You insisted we be friends.
I was scared, to be honest.
Scared to let you into my life.
Nobody has ever gotten that chance before.

Once I did, I regretted it.
But, I also allowed myself to go deeper.
Deeper and deeper.
Now I'm stuck, and I can't get out.
I don't want to get out.

After him . . .
I was so scared.
So scared of everything.
Scared of opening up.
Scared of getting too close to someone.
You didn't scare me though.

You were kind.
Gentle.
Empathetic.

You were toxic.
Like a drug.
I wanted more of you.

What would I do without you, George.

What.
would.
I.
do.

I can see how much you hurt.
But, I don't know how to help.
I have tried.
I have tried so damn hard.
But, it seems so useless.

Maybe I'm not good enough for you.
You deserve better.
Of course, I'm far too selfish to actually leave,
but still . . .

If you told me to leave, I would.
I wouldn't look back.
I would keep walking.
Walking.
Crawling.
Crying.
Sleeping.
Dying.

But that wouldn't stop me.
I would never go back.
Not unless you asked me to.
Would you ever want me back?

Nobody has ever wanted me.
I was a freak.
I am a freak.
Anxiety, ADHD, depression . . .
Those don't fit well in society.
Neither do I.
I never have.
But you help me out.
You help me push away the fears, the pain, the memories . . .

You help me.
You love me.
Don't you?
I do.
I love you, endlessly.
I don't think I could ever tell you that.
How much I love you and all.
Maybe one day.
But, I'm far too selfish.
Too scared.

I love you, George.
I love you
I love you
I love you
So so much . . .

354 words
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