Tyed

chapter fifty three

Tyler gets through most of the explanation without crying, and Colby doesn't say a word. They're sitting on Colby's bed at this point, in a room where Tyler feels safe, and that makes it easier to let the words out. Tyler lets out just a few tears as he's recounting the letter. He recounts it in full, memorised, as much as he can recount the rest. It's not a story he tells often, but it lives in his mind rent-free.

"The letter- I could tell it was the first draft," Tyler mutters. "He hadn't- it was exactly how he felt. He couldn't imagine happiness after Darkfilly Copse, didn't have the strength to fight for it. And I feel- I feel guilty, you know? I survived. I fought, I had that strength, like- things sucked, but I found joy in stuff. He couldn't. That fire in him... it went out. He'd given it to me, he was the reason I survived that place, but then he was-"

Gone. He is gone. Tyler's tears say that for him.

"Sometimes I feel bad," Tyler admits. "For moving on at all. I love him so much, and I always will. Sometimes I feel guilty for letting myself even consider loving someone else."

Colby's holding him tight, and Tyler's folded into his chest, giving up on holding himself up. Colby doesn't say anything for a long moment. Tyler wants him to have the magic words to make it all okay. Nobody could ever make it all okay.

"I'm so sorry," is all he says at first, and that's when Tyler finally fully breaks in half, and begins to sob. He clutches Colby's chest, holds him, feels his skin underneath his shirt. Colby is alive, Colby is here, and he'll never replace Kevin but at least he's here.

"You're so young," Colby says, "and you've been through so much. He sounds..."

"Say what you want to say," Tyler manages to choke out. "Don't fucking say shit for my feelings."

If Colby's bothered by his anger he doesn't show it. "When people say he would've wanted you to be happy or whatever it's usually just a thing they say. But Tyler, it seems like your happiness was Kevin's dying wish. He felt like he could never be happy, as you said, but it's all he wanted for you."

That's not what Tyler expected, but Tyler doesn't know what he expected. He wills Colby to keep talking, without saying a word.

Either Colby was going to keep talking anyway, or he could tell. Tyler lets himself believe in the second. "I just... you've been through so much. I had no idea. It's not... it's not surprising that he struggled, but I'm amazed you've done as well as you have, coming from where you did."

"I got lucky," Tyler mutters. "Talking and school and stuff was easy. I'm a genius, Colby, he wasn't. That's why I'm alive and he's not and that's not fair."

Colby chuckles a little at those words. They're honest, but Tyler supposes if his view was a little clearer he'd find them funny too. "I would agree you're quite lucky, but I don't know if genius had anything to do with it. Although you are a genius. You could do anything you wanted, Tyler, with all this luck you've been given, which I'd say is fair after the bad luck of your birth. It's all you can do for Kevin now to make the most of it."

Tyler kisses him. "I'm lucky," he chokes out. "I got given the worst start but somehow I'm here. I fucked up so much and somehow I'm still here and I met you and I've got you now, and I've got all these blessings I shouldn't have, and I just- I know it's not my fault. I've fucked up in almost every way I can and I'm still so lucky."

Colby's smiling and Tyler's not sure why. It's a soft smile though, not unpitiful. "Don't feel guilty for luck," Colby tells him, gentle hands running up his side. "You can only feel guilt for how you've hurt people. And you haven't hurt anyone, Tyler, not ever."

"I lie," Tyler says. "I've cheated before just because I didn't know how to do things right, and I lie because I don't want people to run away screaming. Nobody knows everything about me. They couldn't, because they'd want nothing to do with me. I've got to lie to keep this luck."

He can feel Colby's nose in his hair, lips pressed to his head. He struggles for words, struggles not to admit everything that's wrong with him instantly.

"I'm amazed how much of my darkness you've accepted," Colby says after a moment. "I suppose there could be more things about my past that may shock you, but you know all the worst, horrible things I've done, or do. You know about- how I am. You know about Altan, and the fact that I burnt someone's house down- well, you were there," Colby says. Tyler can feel the small smile he gives at that. "If fate needs evidence, I suggest starting there."

Tyler's heart twists at mention of fate. At the suggestion that there's more to this than either of them will admit. That it's not just him.

"You've accepted ludicrously awful things about me. I'm sure I owe you the same courtesy," Colby says.

It takes a moment to click, what he's asking for. And Tyler just starts to cry. Sobs rack his chest too much for him to speak, and he doesn't say a damn thing.

In the moment, it feels easy to spill his soul. He could say it now and it feels, it seems like Colby might accept it. He might not care. Maybe.

But before Tyler can get the breath to say it, Colby mutters, "we don't have to talk about it tonight."

After a little while longer, a few aborted attempts to speak, Tyler's able to get out, "I- I want- I want to tell y-you," between those chest-wracking sobs he tries so desperately to iron flat with deep breaths, only coming in and out shuddering violently. "I want to- to not be- be ashamed and afraid and- and- and- disgusted but I am and you will be too."

"As much as I do want to know," Colby says levelly, "it feels wrong to drag it out of you now. I want you to tell me when you feel better and more in control. Okay?"

Tyler manages to nod. "I don't- want to- to think," he manages to say. A few shuddering breaths come drier now, and he shuffles to face Colby, gripping the sides of Colby's face in his hands. "Make me forget."

"I don't-" Colby doesn't finish the thought as Tyler kisses him, explains the answer he would've given in that one action. Kissing Colby feels like finally getting a breath of air after choking for days.

Colby's hands say one thing, coming up to Tyler's sides, ghosting over his skin, pulling him close. His mouth says another. "Are you sure?" he asks, soft as ever. "Is this what you want right now?"

"I need it," Tyler mutters, blinking away some stray tears that still fall, resilient. "My mind is so loud and I want to be quiet. Make it quiet, please," he says, leaning in close and whispering his secret weapon as a plea. "Please, Master."

—-
nsfw >>>
ALSO!
look at that fanart!! We have fanart guys!! 45.5 if you missed it! and holy hell it's great fanart!!! Check out @circadick on Twitter he's amazing (and also drew the cover)!
Edit: the image has been flagged for being too raunchy for Wattpad apparently. Guess you'll have to go to his Twitter and follow him to find it! ;)