Tyed

chapter thirty two

Colby cleans Tyler up and carries him upstairs, and Tyler is pliant and careless, Colby's given title falling so easily from his lips that it'll shake him when he- well, isn't like this.

For now, he just holds on tight to Colby's chest, laying his head there on his bare skin. The collar around his neck is a comforting weight he doesn't really want to remove, so he simply doesn't. He breathes in Colby's scent, and as the scene is leaving his mind, his thoughts wander, now that he can actually focus.

His body hurts, a general ache, and there's an unpleasantness that comes from having been left frustrated even though he technically came twice; it was a punishment, really. But Tyler still would've chosen it over the random vanilla sex he used to have all the time. Because in those times, he didn't feel safe, didn't feel warm, didn't feel like it was something he wanted to return to. He feels all of that with Colby.

When Tyler had met Colby, he had wondered how someone could sleep with a lot of people, once, and never come back. But he hadn't considered that technically he had always done exactly the same thing; it's just that maybe sometimes it was twice, or it was regular for a while before he left. For Tyler, he rarely actually had sex because he wanted to, although he did in some sense want to. It was a skill he'd been trained to use for those who wanted it from him. A gift he'd been trained to give; not something that was his, to not just give, but take, too. His enjoyment was never a factor. Maybe he had only thought he didn't feel like he had to be useful; looking back it's why he slept around so much.

Of course it had made sense to just give sex in return for money. Except that's not what he's doing anymore, is it? He thought it was; his mum and Shouto, and probably Tee and Nancy, think it is. Maybe Colby thinks so, too. But Tyler's hardly even thinking or caring about the money.

He's only known Colby for such a short amount of time. But he trusts him, in a way he hasn't trusted in a long time. He likes what they're doing, when he hasn't really cared that much for a long time.

Other people- beginning with his father, but going long after that, with a single exception- took. That was what sex was. Tyler gave because it was easier than fighting, and when it was avoidable later, it was a trained response that he never thought about. Nobody asked if he was sure, if he enjoyed himself; the orgasms he got were cheap and even sometimes faked. It was habitual. He'd always wake up disappointed.

Dating people, although it happened rarely- two or three before Colby- was a bit better. Tyler's only been in love once. Even though he didn't love them, he has good memories of Lachlen and another ex, Vanessa, although he was the one to ruin it both times. Tyler thought he could find happiness in someone else, and when he couldn't find it in Lachlen he thought it couldn't be done; that there was only one person for him, and that person was lost forever. All his entanglements with others, besides a close friend or two, became sex that he kept hoping would change something. Sex that he kept hoping would be different- just like Colby did.

And then Colby was different, and Tyler didn't know what to do.

Maybe the thing that's hitting him hardest is the fact that, in the past, his relationships with others were all about what he could give them; a single-sided pleasure that never seemed to really care if he enjoyed himself or not. But Colby, Colby's idea of a punishment was to give Tyler so much pleasure that it hurt.

"Tyler?" Tyler looks up, meeting Colby's eyes. They're a bit blurry for some reason. "Are you- hey, hey, Tyler, Ty..."

Ty- Tyed, haha, tyed, get it, like your name?

Tyler doesn't remember ever being tied up before Colby, but still, that voice rings in his ears and of course it does because Tyler sees the pattern and fears it, fears it so bad.