Tyed

chapter sixty eight

Tyler wishes he wasn't here.

He dragged everyone along, so he wouldn't have to go alone. Things got pretty complicated the past week, which Nancy seems to understand, although he wishes she would stop asking if he's okay.

"Yes, I'm fine," he has to keep insisting every time. He's sitting in the passenger seat while Tee drives; he didn't really expect Tee to come. It's not like he ever met the guy. It's not like he would've cared to. Honestly, Tyler's pretty sure he's coming just to drive them, and maybe because Nancy bothered him about it, tried to convince him Tyler needed the support. He wants to buck her off, almost, and that rage is irrational, that's the issue. He's angry at her for trying to look after him, which is really stupid, because it proves he needs looking after. He wants to be okay. He should be okay, shouldn't he?

Except they're pulling up to a god damn funeral and all Tyler can think about right now is Kevin.

He steps out of the car and takes a deep breath of the air, trying to remind himself that it's summer several years after Kevin's funeral, that this is different. But he's wearing the same suit, has that same memory. Eventually, you stop being reminded every day of the pain, you stop thinking about it; but it still hurts just as much when it's brought up to you, when something makes you feel that same pain again. He feels like he's going to walk through that door and see Kevin's body, bruises painted over by the mortician, laid nicely in a coffin in a suit he would've hated.

Tyler hates the suit he's wearing, because it has no personality; it's just that you wear black to a funeral. Kevin would've hated it too, because he always found the suit jackets stifling, uncomfortable; he would've said Tyler didn't look like himself. Colby would've hated it, too, had he got a chance to see it. At first, Tyler would've thought Colby would hate it because it was cheap and didn't fit as well as it should; but Tyler knows now that Colby would've hated it because of how uncomfortable Tyler was. Colby was more than just someone with money, and it sucked, how much Tyler had come to care in- what, a month? That's how long it's been since they met.

Tyler wishes he was here.

Well, maybe not in this specific place during this specific event; rather, Tyler wishes he himself wasn't here. Wishes he was with him instead.

Tyler closes his eyes and breathes sunlit air like it'll warm him inside. It could be worse, he tries to tell himself. It could be so much worse. Right? He could start listing ways it could be worse. Or maybe he'll just force himself to walk into that building and pretend everything is okay and stop thinking. Weirdly enough, he doesn't really want to think right now.

He finds a hand on his arm. "How you feeling, cowboy?" Nancy asks for what must be the fifth time.

"I'm still fine," Tyler says with a stiff scowl. "Why do you keep asking?"

"Because you're shaking even more now," Nancy says, gently leading him towards the door. "It's fine to have complicated feelings, you know."

"My feelings aren't complicated. My feeling is that I want to go home."

Nancy just pats him on the elbow and makes sure he's still walking towards the door.

It's not a huge funeral. Tyler supposes that if most of your family hates you when you die, not that many people are gonna show. Honestly, Nancy and Tee are padding the numbers. Tyler sees Trey standing alone, looking out the window. Their mother is here, standing next to Scarlett, wearing the same long gloves she always wears, but this time in black; it's almost comical. Saxon bothered to show, probably because he had nothing better to do. There's a handful of others here, mostly people Tyler has met once if ever; those memories are beyond distant now. Tee looks honestly kind of uncomfortable.