Tyed

chapter forty two

Tyler lays on Colby's chest for far too long, eyes closed, both of them silent. The silence is only broken when Tyler kind of really has to pee.

"Sorry," he mutters as he gets up. Colby's gazing at him, still quiet, and Tyler silently begs him to just speak, to prove there's no spell being cast over them like Tyler kind of feels there is.

He stumbles to the bathroom and closes the door, leaning on it and fighting the urge to slide down it. He can feel himself shaking a little, because he's just confirmed in some material way what he already knows. He loves Colby, and this is legit.

Tyler's never done whatever that was before. When he thinks that, he might expect to be thinking about how that was some kind of new kink or fetish, but no- he's never made love before. That's accurate. He loved Kevin, but they never got a chance to get past clumsy, and all those one-night stands were nothing. His short relationships, even his one or two proper ones, hadn't crossed whatever invisible line had lay before that. The line that kept Tyler's heart behind it.

There was nothing physically different about that act. It was emotional. It was the realisation, made tangible, that Colby was safe and here for him and that he loved him.

Tyler can't even say for sure which he in that sentence is him, because the look in Colby's eyes-

Is getting Tyler's hopes up. He pees and wishes his brain would shut the fuck up. Colby doesn't see him like that, not after two weeks when Tyler's half his age and only there because he's hot anyway.

He stands there for a moment, staring at himself in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes look lighter, almost invisible now. His cheeks have more colour in them. His eyes look brighter. His hair is long, and he runs his fingers through it for a moment, closing his eyes. He's always hated having long hair, but he's never had the courage to cut it.

He stops and thinks, would Colby like it if I did that?

Fuck, why does he care? He knows the reason why he cares, it's just not fair. Why does he have to care? Can't he just go back to floating alone through life, empty, not having to give a shit about anything? It's loss, it's all loss.

It's never not going to be loss. He's going to lose Colby. He should've yeeted and found someone who would pay his rent that he didn't fucking care about because at least then he wouldn't be here. Wouldn't have fallen in love.

His chest aches to think that.

He stares himself in the mirror and whispers. "I have something to tell you," he mouths to his reflection. "My secret. And I hope you can still love me after-"

He shakes his head. "I... Think I should tell you my secret," he mutters into the sink. "And if you want to leave me because of it, feel free. I'm..."

"I like you. I really like you. And I don't want to lead you on. So I'm- no, not that..." he mutters. "What about this. It's not fair for you to be with me without me telling you just how messed up I am. Colby, I'm a freak of nature? Like I shouldn't exist? No... Fuck, man, how am I supposed to just spit out the I'm inbred secret? What the fuck did I tell Lachlen?"

The sink ignores him. Tyler rests his forehead on the mirror, raising his hand up to his collar and clutching the front.

"Surely it's no worse than the I'm an arsonist thing." He takes a deep, sharp breath and is about to say the actual words when-

"Tyler? Your phone is ringing," he hears through the wall. Tyler curses, and walks almost too quickly out of the bathroom, accidentally making it obvious that he was messing around and was long since done actually using the bathroom.