TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

FORTY-SEVEN

***TW// this chapter may contain scenes that can be triggering for some***

'He's not answering,' Frank says between tears, rubbing his face out of frustration. 'What if something happened? I shouldn't have left him alone.'

He knows his mom wants to tell him that no, he shouldn't have, but she doesn't say anything. Which he appreciates. The twins are finally asleep, which Frank appreciates too. He can't deal with all of this and parenting at the same time.

It hurts too much.

Hearing Gerard saying that he didn't want a family and that he's stuck with him and the kids hurt. He knows that it's the kind of thing you say when you're hurt, and that Gerard probably didn't mean it. But it hurts. Because he knows he never should have forced his dream onto him. And although Frank was too young to remember his parents fighting before they got divorced, he remembers his mom didn't take it well. And the last thing he wants is to relapse again, and for the twins to have to deal with two mentally ill parents. And he knows that's not even the worst-case scenario, but he would rather not think that.

'I'm so fucking stupid,' he curses himself. 'He never left me. Not even when –' Just the thought makes his skin crawl and realize he's the worst husband. He's supposed to be there for Gerard no matter what. He's supposed to be there for better or worse, in sickness and in health. And he's supposed to know when he's not doing well.  The fact that Gerard never left him even after he cheated on him and made him go through all the shit with his addiction, and Frank left him when he needed him the most, just because he said he was stuck with him. Maybe Gerard doesn't deserve him after all.

'Honey – I know it's hard,' he hears his mom say, and she's right. If someone knows what it is, it's her. She wipes the tears off his face, and fixes his hair. 'You have no idea how much it pains me to see you going through this. But I need you strong, okay? I'm not letting you –' He starts sobbing, and she has to hold him tight. 'You have your kids, and you have me and your dad. You're not alone. But please don't give up on him.' She pauses to stand right in front of him, and holds his face so he's looking at her. 'You and I know how this is. How sometimes when you need help, you end up pushing people away because it's easier.'

Frank knows what she means. He remembers thinking it was easier to disappoint Gerard than getting better. And he can't let him do the same thing he did. 'I don't want to lose him,' he cries. 'I don't think I can't do it without him. If something happens to him, I'll never forgive myself.'

'Frankie – you are stronger than you think. But you love him, and he needs you – and you have all the right to be hurt by what he said –'

'I just hate to think that they feel like he doesn't love them, you know?' Frank says between sobs. 'That's what hurts the most. That he doesn't love them.'

Linda stops him. 'It's not like that. I've seen him with them. His face lights up, and he's never smiled this much, not even with you.' That makes Frank let out a little laugh. 'As much as he says he wasn't born for it, it just seems to come so natural to him. But he's sick.' Frank nods. 'I think it's a good thing his husband knows exactly what is like, and understands him.' He looks at her, knowing what she means. How she wished his dad had done the same, or her family. How sometimes she just had Frank but he was too young to take care of her. 'He loves them so much. Just like I love you, even when it seemed like I didn't.'

Frank wraps his arms around her and hugs her tight, letting it all out.

'I'm gonna go check on him,' he says after a while, his voice barely a whisper.

'Go. I'll take care of them.'

***