TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

FORTY-FIVE

The room is dark when Gerard wakes up.

And he wakes up to an empty bed on his husband's side at three in the morning.

He wouldn't admit it, but he's still worried about him. Wondering whether he gets a little too stressed or anxious, if he's eating well or smoking too much. Checking his routine, or anything out of the ordinary. And on top of being a parent and taking care of two three-month old babies, it's a lot sometimes.

But he can't help it.

His first thought is he had to go to the bathroom, but he can see from where he is that the door is open and the light is off. Maybe he's downstairs, Gerard thinks, getting water, or having some kind of musical epiphany that he had to run to their studio to write. Or just checking on the babies.

But now Gerard can't go back to sleep, so he gets up and drags his feet to the nursery across the hallway, thinking he'll find his husband tucking them in or changing their diaper. Instead, he's sitting in between both cribs, a book in his hand, sound asleep, just like the twins. And that's the most adorable thing Gerard's ever seen.

'Honey,' he whispers, shaking him by the shoulders a bit. 'Let's get back to bed.'

Frank slowly opens his eyes, looking a little confused. 'Huh?'

'They're asleep. We should go to bed too. You have to work tomorrow.'

'No – I'm okay.'

Knowing Frank, the older man decided to sit with him. 'Everything okay?' he says, combing the hair away from his face, and caressing him. The last thing he needs is for Frank to break down and relapse. He doesn't think he can do it again. So he has to look for the signs, be careful before anything happens.

'Yeah, I just –' Frank is mumbling his words, barely above a whisper so he doesn't wake the babies up. 'Sometimes I can't sleep, and I start thinking a lot, and wondering if they're okay, if I'm taking care of them as I should. Making sure they have everything, if they're okay.' He pauses and reaches for Gerard's hand. 'I just get scared sometimes, you know? Like I feel the need to stay with them every second of the day to make sure they're breathing.'

'I know what you mean.'

'How does anyone do it?' The older man just laughs. 'And sometimes it's a lot to handle. It feels like I'll never rest again and I'm going to ruin their lives and I'll be the worst dad, and I'm scared they'll hate me. Or that I'll fall asleep a second longer and –'

But Gerard stops him. He presses his hand on his lips and then leans in for a kiss. 'Stop it. Don't you think I'm afraid too? You're right, we'll never rest again.' Frank doesn't look too happy about it. 'But if my life will consist of worrying about you three for the rest of my days, I'll be happy.'

'You're worried about me?'

'Of course I am. I love you, you're part of me now. I have to.'

'I'm okay,' Frank assures him.

'I know, but I can't help it.' They both smile at each other, and there's no need for words. All Frank needs is his husband and kids with him and he'll be alright. And Gerard too. He motions Frank to move over so he can squeeze in next to him, his arm around his waist, both of them cuddling closer to each other.

'I don't know if I'm doing it right –' Frank says after a long silence.

'Are you kidding me?! You were born for this! I don't know anybody else more suited to be a parent than you!' That seems to bring a smile to Frank's face. 'I'm serious. I know music is your thing, and you really have a talent to help others. But the way you know when one of them isn't feeling well, and how you know Emi likes her stuffed elephant, or Dylan falls asleep to punk music? You're a natural, babe.' He kisses Frank's temple. 'And I'm lucky to be a dad with you.'