TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

FORTY-EIGHT

'And how are you feeling, Gerard?' the therapist asks. She's calm and only asks the right questions, which Gerard appreciates. She never pushes him to say things he doesn't want to talk about and respects his limits.

'I'm better,' he answers, and then pauses. He taps his foot and looks around, and plays with his sleeve, pulling it down to cover the bandages. It's been only a couple weeks since the incident, and he's still anxious, trying to take it slow. He still remembers the last time he had to be admitted to the mental hospital. He was convinced a part of him died, and didn't feel alive until he met Frank.

But here he is again, and now he wonders if he'll ever get better.

'How are things at home? You're taking things slow?'

He nods. 'I messaged Steve to tell him there was a family emergency, and a needed an extension for the deadline.' The therapist nods. 'And my brother contacted us with a babysitter they know.' He was taking his time to find the words, and his tone was monotone and just above a whisper. 'And right now I'm just taking it one day at a time.'

That brings a smile to the therapist's face. 'I'm glad.'

'Yeah. Frank helps a lot with that.' He pauses. 'Did I tell you he's an alcoholic? I think now you can see how that's made him who he is. Everything he went through, and recovering. And now, that's helping me too.' Without thinking, Gerard smiles too. Looking down at his hand, wearing his wedding band, he remembers all the good things he has. A husband and two children who love him. Something he thought he'd never get. He remembers the last time he was at the hospital, talking about dying alone. And now he had his own family. 'He got me into this routine,' he says with the biggest smile on his face. 'We go for a walk every morning, he cooks me breakfast, and we sit outside to read. Sometimes we paint or we just cuddle and watch TV. He says he's gonna make me better.'

'I'm glad.' But then, she pauses and takes off her glasses before continuing. 'We've met for a while, and I know what he means for you. This perfect man who came into your life and made everything better. But I want you to remember – that's not how it works. And I don't want all your progress and your happiness to depend on him and your relationship.'

'I know.'

There's a long silence and Gerard notices time is almost up.

'Okay –' the therapies says, reading his mind. 'Anything else you want to talk about?'

He shakes his head.

'You know you can call me anytime. I know it's always rough during this time.' And Gerard is thankful he can afford therapy, because this is his second visit this week, and he can't imagine how different it'd be if he couldn't. 'I'll up your meds for this month, and we'll see if that works.'

'Thank you.'

As usual, Frank is waiting for him in the lobby. He's reading one of the magazines they have there, and Gerard notices he's tired. He's growing a beard, and he likes to say it's because Gerard likes it, but he knows it's just because he doesn't have any time left for himself now. Between taking care of him and their children, Frank lets himself go a little, and that worries his husband.

'Hey,' Frank says, looking up at him. 'I got you a coffee.'

Gerard takes the cup, and sits down next to him. 'Are you trying to hook up with me?'

That brings a smile to Frank's face, which feels good. 'Is it working? It worked once, so why not try again?'

The older man laughs and reaches for his hand.

'Why does this feel so familiar?' Frank asks out of nowhere, looking around.

'I know.'

'It's this weird déjà vu –' Frank says but he doesn't seem completely there. This seems to have taken a toll on both of them.