TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

EIGHTEEN

Frank knows he shouldn't have had that beer.

He knows it.

He knows now he fucked up. He knows what's coming. He knew it the minute he took it. He's not strong enough.

He tries to distract himself with work, finishes the album over the weekend, and sleeps all night. He avoids everyone, especially James, even though he knows it wasn't his fault.

He just wants this to be over and go home.

At the meeting, he's just somewhere else. He hears them talking, plans about an upcoming tour, the release of the album, and a single. They all chose Fantastic Bastards as the first single, and Frank agreed, but he wasn't really there.

He knows his body is asking for more, so he ignores it.

He writes another song for Gerard instead, to keep his hands and mind busy, but soon he's crying and having another anxiety attack.

It cannot happen again.

***

Frank had been in bands since he could remember, right around the time he started smoking and drinking. Nothing crazy, every teenager was doing it too.

He would sneak out with his friends after school to play guitar and smoke week, or drink.

Then, he went to college and it just seemed so easy. There was always booze and pills around. And girls. And guys who were up to experiment when they were too drunk.

Every weekend Frank and his friends would play at cheap venues and someone's party and get drunk and high.

Then the band made it, they were on Warped Tour, and recording an album. And alcohol just made everything easier. He didn't have to think about any of it.

He met Jamia and fell in love instantly, and she seemed to be the only one who put up with him. For a while, at least.

Until the rumors started about him and the drummer, or that guy at that party.

And Frank did the only thing he knew how to do, drink more and screw it up.

He tried to fix things with Jamia, and get sober when he found out she was pregnant, but then she had an abortion and told him she would never have kids with him.

That only destroyed him even more.

He didn't care about anything else anymore.

The band was done.

He was done.

They found him in his hotel room, shaking and in a pool of his own vomit.

***

He's home.

He's finally home. He didn't even tell Gerard, he just took the next flight home, knowing that Lois and his fiancé would make everything better.

Frank knows that now that he'll be with Gerard, his anxiety won't act up and there will be no need for alcohol. He's made it four days already, he just has to make it home.

When he opens the door, there's no trace of Gerard, or Lois, which seems strange. 'Gee, I'm home! Surprise!' he yells, but nothing.

He keeps looking around and finds them outside, by the pool. Gerard looks up from his book when the door opens, and immediately runs to Frank, who's already sobbing. 'Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?'

'It was a last minute decision,' Frank says. 'I missed you and couldn't wait another couple days.'

'I missed you too.' Gerard kisses him, cupping his face with his hands and pulling him closer. Frank just prays he doesn't notice the bags under his eyes, or his hands shaking. 'Is everything okay? Why are you crying?'

'I just missed you, okay?'

They spend the rest of the day cuddling together on the couch, watching movies, with Lois next to him, until he falls asleep. Gerard thinks that might be what he needed, except the next day he's moody, and he finds him crying outside while he smokes. 'I'm good,' Frank assures him.

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah – it's just the anxiety. Recording and all the memories, and being away from you. And I'm supposed to leave for a mini tour next month, and I'm just – too anxious.'

'That's fine, baby,' Gerard says, wrapping his arms around him, and letting him cry. He's had anxiety attacks before, Gerard too. He knows what helps. But it's never been like this. 'I'm here, okay?'

'Okay,' Frank replies between sobs.

And he tries his best. He goes back to work, even though he doesn't necessarily need the money, but he needs the distraction. He goes back to his schedule of taking Lois for a walk and taking a shower and spending time with Gerard before going to work. Gerard always waits for him and gives him a massage or a blowjob to help him relax.

But his brain won't stop.

He just needs it.

So after work, he stops at the liquor store to buy a beer. Just one, he says to himself and drinks it all before getting back in the car.

He doesn't think about what he's doing, and getting caught, or how it has control over him again. When he gets home, Gerard calls him, but he goes straight to bed, and cries himself to sleep.

It only takes a couple more days for him to come home drunk, stinking of booze.

'Are you serious, Frank?' he hears Gerard's voice coming from the living room as soon as he gets home. 'Tell me I'm wrong.'

But Frank can't tell him. How can he? He can't even stand up straight, and his eyes are only half open. And the smell. 'I'm so sorry,' he sobs, breaking down in front of him. 'I'm so, so sorry.' His fiancée kneels down in front of him, wiping off his tears, but not sure what to do. He knows he should be mad, but he also knows Frank is sick, and he needs help. 'I ruined everything, I know.'

Gerard comforts him, kissing the side of his head and whispering I love you's in his ear. 'No, you didn't. And I'll be here, right next to you.' He knows the last time he needed someone by his side to take care of him.

'No – I don't want you to,' Frank says as he pulls apart, almost pushing Gerard away. 'I've hurt enough people. I don't want to hurt you.'

'But –'

'You don't understand! You're better without me! I'll only end up disappointing you!'

'Frank, you don't disappoint me!' Gerard is crying by now.

'But I will! Just give up on me now before it gets worse!' Frank tries to fight it, but Gerard manages to hold him tight in a hug, and Frank sobs harder.

Gerard wants to tell him that maybe it's not a good idea to go on tour right now, but he's afraid of how he'll take it. 'We can work this out, okay?' he tells him and Frank just nods.

A week later, Frank is packing. 'Are you sure?' Gerard asks for the thousandth time.

'I'll be fine.'

He leaves the following morning, before Gerard wakes up, and takes an Uber to the airport.