TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

TWENTY-SIX

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The alarm goes off and Frank struggles to open his eyes.

And there she is, Lois, waiting for him patiently. 'Aren't you the sweetest motherfucker?' he says, petting her, and gets up.

It's already that time of the year when it's starting to get cold. Maybe a little too cold, in Frank's opinion. So he puts on a hoodie and gets Lois' leash. He figures Gerard must be in his office, but at least he brewed some coffee.

'C'mon, girlie,' Frank says, and takes the dog outside. They go down the road, and around the block. He walks by his old apartment building, and they're back home. But Frank doesn't go in yet. He sits in the porch steps, Lois next to him as always, as he takes out a cigarette from his pocket, and lights it.

He's been smoking more lately, and he knows that's not the healthiest way to deal with being sober, but he can't help it.

When he finishes it, they go back inside. He serves himself a cup of coffee and goes to Gerard's office. 'Hey there,' he says when he finds his boyfriend sitting in front of the computer, complete focused on whatever he's doing. Frank wraps his arms around his neck from behind, planting a kiss on his head.

'Good morning,' Gerard tells him, his eyes still glued to the screen, typing fast. 'You were smoking? This early?'

'I know! But it helps with the urges, okay?'

'I just don't like you smoking this much.' He turns to Frank, and looks up at him. His hair is growing longer, and he's smiling at Gerard with tired eyes. He's perfect. But Gerard can also see the damage it had left. The bags under his eyes, the sadness that's still there hiding behind his smile. The mood changes. The gain weight that he hides by wearing Gerard's hoodie all day. The anxiety. He wants to tell him that it's okay, that he can tell him if there's something wrong. 'Are you okay?' Gerard asks.

Frank just nods and leans closer, losing himself in Gerard's arms. 'I'm trying.'

'You're doing good. But you know I'm here if you need to talk, okay?'

'Okay.'

There's a brief pause and then Gerard kisses him and asks, 'Am I crazy or you were playing guitar last night?'

Frank can't help smiling. 'I was just bored, nothing important.'

'I just like that you're doing it again.'

Frank doesn't know what to say, because he likes that too, but he doesn't want to get too excited, so he just kisses him.

After lunch, they sit outside. Gerard is still editing, sitting by the pool. Frank is bored so he offers to braid his hair, and Gerard lets him.

'Gee,' Frank says, hugging him from behind. 'Thanks for everything.'

He leaves for work before eight p.m.

He hates the stupid green vest he has to wear, and not being able to go to bed with Gerard and watch movies and make out before falling asleep. Though sometimes when he comes home at three in the morning, he's still awake.

Frank hates the monotony of the job. Doing the same thing over and over for hours, every day. Unpacking stuff from boxes and put them in shelves. But it's the way his brain works, too. And he hates that.

He hates that his brain reminds him that he can relapse at any minute. That temptation is there, just a few aisles away from where he's stocking canned food. It's everywhere. He can just buy a bottle at any moment, and do it again.

But he won't.

He still has a few more boxes of corn left, and then come the peas. And more boxes.

Halfway through it, he's so bored he needs a way to distract himself from everything, so he starts humming the song he was working on the night before, trying different lyrics here and there. Don't hang up, 'cause I don't have anyone left here –

'You have a good singing voice,' Tyler, his coworker says, catching him off guard. Frank had no idea he was there.

'Thanks,' he says, a little embarrassed.

'I didn't know you could sing.'

'Well – meh.'

Tyler passes him another box of peas. 'What song is that? I'd never heard it.'

'Uh – it's mine.' He doesn't like bragging about music. He always feels nobody gives a shit or they start asking about his career, and that's the last thing he wants. He's at least grateful Tyler is too young to have ever heard about his bands. 'I'm still writing it, though.'

'You write songs?' the red-haired teenager says excited. 'Cool!'

And that's it. Tyler goes back to his side of the aisle, and Frank keeps humming his song.

He still has an hour or two left of his shift, and another set of boxes to work on. Over at the liquor aisle.

He stands there for the longest time, taking a deep breath.

He's so close.

He just has to unbox them and put them in the fridge. That easy.

And yet, he can't.

'It's everything okay?' Annie, his manager, asks when he finds him there.

He turns to her and nods. 'I just – I need to go to the restroom.' He walks away, past the employee room and straight to the restroom. He washes his face, hating himself for even considering taking one of the bottles. Perhaps Gerard was right, and he needs a different job. At least one where there's no alcohol. The mall? The bookstore? An office job?

He takes a minute to breathe and then goes back out. He's gonna have to either just do his job or explain Annie why he can't do it. He doesn't know which one is easier.

She's still there when he gets back, clearly waiting for an explanation. 'Are you okay?' she asks.

'I'm an alcoholic,' he says, and her expression turns into one of understanding. 'Recovering. I'd been out of rehab just a couple weeks before I started working here.'

'Oh.'

'I'm sorry – I can't do this.'

'It's fine. We can make someone else do it. I won't give you this aisle. Unless you mean the job.'

'Oh – no. That's fine. I appreciate that.'

He still looks like he's about to cry, and Annie can't help patting his shoulder. 'Maybe you can go home for the day.'

'Thanks.'

When he makes it home, he finds Gerard's still awake, and surprised to see him home earlier. 'Is everything okay?'

Frank nods. 'We just finished earlier.'

Gerard knows he's not telling him the whole truth but he doesn't push it. 'Let's go to bed, c'mon.' He pulls him upstairs, stopping halfway to kiss. 'I'm going to fuck you to sleep.'

'That sounds fun.'

The following morning, Frank repeats his routine.

After breakfast, he checks on Kaya. 'I'm fine,' she says. 'My sister is planning a family vacation already, so we're going to Florida.'

'Nice.' She tells him she's fine, mainly babysitting her niece and nephew, and reading a lot. She's taking the GED, and looking for jobs. 'I'm happy for you.'

'And how are you?'

Frank takes a second to respond. He knows she'd understand. But he doesn't want to worry her. 'Good, I think.'

He is.

He is with the love of his life, he has the best dog ever, he could have a better job that he actually liked, but he's okay. He's writing again, and going to AA, helping Kaya.

'I'm okay,' he says to himself, actually believing it this time.