If You Run (An All Time Low Fan Fiction)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The next three days were pretty much the same. Tay hardly left the confinements of the bunk, she didn't speak to anyone but me and even on that rare occasion it was only one word answers or broken sentences, I had to pretty much force her to eat or drink anything, I was worried about her.

Most of the time she sat in silence and stared into space, never letting any emotion show during the day but at night, when I'd finally been able to get her to drift off to sleep, that's when it would all come out.  She struggled and twisted her tiny body as if she was writhing in pain, she screamed and cried so loud in her sleep that everyone could hear, she'd wake herself up from making so much noise then the silence would return.

It was hard to know what to do, sometimes she would flinch and tense up when I tried to comfort her but other times she seemed thankful of the contact and would return the embrace. 

People were starting to get annoyed with me, not the people who understood what was going on but the people who didn't. I'd stopped staying out and meeting fans after shows, I'd even stopped turning up to the Hustler meet & greets before shows, Matt and the others tried their best to explain on my behalf that I had something going on and say that I was sorry. I felt awful for letting people down but there was no way I was going to leave Tay on her own for longer than was absolutely necessary and by that I mean, someone would come get me ten minutes before our set, I'd play then go straight back to the bus.

Tay's POV

"We're going on in five minutes, I've got to go" Jack said sadly, pressing as kiss to my temple before he climbed out of the bunk
"Bye" I replied quietly as he walked away.

Then I was alone. I hated being alone but I loved it at the same time, I didn't have to answer anyone's "are you okay?" or "how are you feeling?" or look into their pitiful eyes and know what they were thinking, I could do anything I wanted and that's what scared me. Each night, when I heard the front door of the bus slam shut behind Jack the sudden urge to cut came rushing back, the voice in my head returned 
"You're being so pathetic"
"They're probably laughing at you right now"
"Everyone left you.You're all alone. You may as well..." 
I fought so hard against the want, the need to take a razor to my skin, I'd promised too many people I wouldn't, I couldn't let them down but each night it got harder and the voice got louder. I knew it was going to win soon if I didn't find a way to keep it quiet until Jack got back. 

I'd learned as a teenager that one method worked every single time, and that was to get so drunk I couldn't hear my own thoughts. 

I'd barely moved in four days, my legs were weak under the weight of my body as I walked into the empty front lounge of the bus. I opened the kitchen cupboard which had been dedicated to being filled with alcohol and looked over the labels of the different bottles. My small smile made my dry lips crack painfully when my gaze landed on a full bottle of Jack Daniel's...perfect. 

Moments later, I raised my glass "To Cris" I spoke to the silence before downing it in one. 

Jack's POV

"I'm sorry but I won't be coming out to sign after the show tonight" I said into my mic earning me an echo of groans and disappointed sighs "I'll make it up to you all though, I promise!" I said in a sorry tone which changed their sighs into cheers. 

I couldn't get back fast enough once I'd handed my guitar to Danny, I ran straight down the hall, out the back door and in the direction of the bus.

I could hear music and a voice coming from inside when I got there and I stopped to listen for a moment to Tay singing along to Always - Panic! At The Disco, her words were noticeably happier and slurred. 

I let myself in with the key and, exactly as I'd expected, Tay was drunk. 

"Jacky" she greeted me from where she sat on the couch, cross legged. God she was adorable
"Hi, Tay" I chuckled back 
"Drink?" she offered, holding up a half empty bottle and shaking it's contents at me
"I'm good thanks" I said. She took another big gulp of her drink as I sat down next to her. The strong smell of whisky from her burned my throat as I breathed it in, I've never really liked it. She put the glass down with a loud clank.
"I miss her" she sighed
"I know" I said pulling her into a hug
"I wake up every morning, expecting to see her and hear her laugh...but I don't" she said into my neck
"I'm not going to lie, it's going to be like that for a long time...but one day you'll wake up and feel different and that's when you'll know that you're ready to carry on with you life like Cris and your dad would want you to" I said, choosing my words carefully as this was the first time she had told me what she was feeling and I wasn't sure how to respond without making her feel even worse.

What I said seemed to have worked because after a second Tay started to giggle uncontrollably
"What?" I laughed
"We're silly, aren't we?" she said looking at me
"What are you on about?" I laughed again. Yep, she was definitely drunk.
"Well...I like you and you like me, I know that because we told each other, but we aren't doing anything about it because we're silly" she said closing her eyes as she spoke, like you see lots of  people do when they're off their faces.
"I suppose you could say that" I nodded.

Before I knew what was happening, Tay's lips were on top of mine in a sloppy, drunken kiss but it was still one of the most perfect kisses I'd ever experienced. It was innocent enough at first but it soon became more heated and sexual.

I let the quiet grunt of satisfaction that I'd been holding in escape from my mouth, Tay smiled against my lips only making me want her even more. I fought against every instinct in my body telling me not to and pulled away she pouted at me, folding her arms across her chest like a child

"You're drunk" I said simply. She lent over so that she was so close to my ear I could feel the vibrations of her voice
"So take advantage of me" she joked, half serious, then began to kiss down my neck. I laughed awkwardly, trying my best to hide the semi I had "I know you want to" she said in between kisses which were moving up to my jaw and back to my lips
More than you know "Not when you're like this" I said using all the willpower I could muster 
"Why are you being so...so...so not inappropriate?" she asked then scrunched up her face trying to work out if she had made any sense at all; like I said, adorable. 
"How much did you have to drink?" I questioned to which she replied with a cheeky shrug....a lot then "I think it's time you went to bed" I laughed
"Great idea!" she replied almost too enthusiastically
"To sleep" I added with a chuckle and her face dropped a little
"Why not though?" she wined trying to stand up unsuccessfully
"If you weren't so drunk and you actually knew what you were saying believe me I would jump at the chance" I laughed holding her up and guiding her to her bunk

"Is it because I'm not as pretty as the other girls?" she asked sadly as I pulled the cover up over her
"Tay don't even say that, you're the most beautiful girl in this universe and you're not just extraordinarily pretty but you're funny and smart and adorable and perfect. Why can't you see what I do?"
"Because your eyes don't work properly" she said covering her own eyes leaving gaps between her fingers so she could see me
"They work just fine. Now go to sleep" I said kissing her forehead with a smile. She nodded and closed her eyes, pulling the duvet up under her chin
"But I'm nothing special" she mumbled, already half asleep
"You're wrong" I said. She opened her mouth to argue back but fell asleep before the words had time to escape