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» teenage years

[ not my birthday, this is from last year lmao ]

happy birthday to me,
i'm guess i'm still a teen
and i'm at the younger end of the spectrum
but when did i grow up?
 was i really a child?
when did i stop counting the days til
everything became the same blur of school + writing + sleep?

i'm still young!
i'm supposed to be singing into my hairbrush, singing old taylor swift songs that released when i was six. i'm supposed to be eating some shitty ice cream from the dollar tree that i got with my best friend. i'm supposed to be in a sleeping bag at a birthday party, a spinning, giggling mess, drunk on youth and parties and freedom, whispering about boys and crushes in the dark.

but i'm, what, --teen now?
i'm still having sleepovers!
but i'm whispering about the girl who i've fallen in love with, changing all these pronouns. i'm eating ice cream but i don't want it to be her i'm eating it with, i want to eat ice cream with the people i know better than her. and i'm listening to a playlist that makes my heart hurt, i've got nothing else to do. i'm sipping poison, but i can't spit it out.

these are the best years of my life?
this bullshit?
i say that i don't want to grow up but looks like i already have, huh?
well. happy birthday to me, i guess. 

[ 5.29.21 ]