The last month - Karlnap

May 10-Boyfriends

Tw/Cw: Self-hate, mention of self-harm, mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression and dyslexia

Karl POV:

After I ran home yesterday all I did was crying and sleeping. I was both sad and mad. I was mad at Sapnap. At he trown my knife. I needed it. I was mad at myself too. For being a so fucking stupid idiot that thought Sapnap had feelings for me.

Right now I'm just laying in bed and listen to my thoughts.

"You've fucked up again. Sapnap wont talk to you ever again."

I hear a knock on my door. Who could that be?

I look out of the window. No car, that means it's not my parents.

I open the door and I meet a familiar face. The face has dark brown short hair and sad eyes. It's Sapnap.

"Karl..." He start and look deep into my eyes.

I have to explain myself before he thinks I'm an idiot. He already think that tho.

"No, Sapnap. I'm sorry! I'm so fucking stupid that thought you would have a crush on me. Oh I'm such a idiot..." I say and feel tears run down my cheeks. I close my eyes and sob.

In the next second I feel soft lips meet mine. Sapnaps soft lips I have looked at so many times. It's them.

I open my eyes and looks confused. I only see Sapnap kissing me. I close my eyes again. I kiss back and put my hands carefully on his neck. Soon I feel Sapnaps hands on my hips.

It's a short kiss but it's feels like forever. After the kiss we just stare in to each others eyes for a while. My cheeks start blush and Sapnap too. We look away and start nervously laugh.

"A-are we like together now?" I ask nervously with pink cheeks.

"I think so... If you want to be my boyfriend of course!" Sapnap simply say and stare in to my eyes.

"Yeah. I'd love to be your boyfriend..." I mumble and feel happy tears run down my cheeks. I've never felt this happy in my life before.

We kiss again. I feel Sapnap smile. I do to.

When we let go again I hug him tightly, sob into his shirt.

"Why are you crying?" Sapnap giggle from my shoulder.

"I- I have never felt this happy in my life before..." I whisper and let out another sob.

Sapnap hug me tighter and I hear a small sob from him too. We stand there for a while before we let go from the hug.

"I wish I could stay but I actually have a lot of homework to do, and it all is going to be done til tomorrow. Is it okay, can I leave already?" Sapnap mumble and look down at the ground.

"Yeah, it's fine! See you tomorrow at school. I promise you I'll be there!" I say and Sapnap leaves.

When I close the door a unstoppable smile is growing on my lips and my heart flutter. Happy is rushing around my body and I'm all shaky. I walk up to my bed and all I can think of is Sapnap. When finally a thought hit me. I knew they would come eventually.

"Great! Now you're going to break Sapnap when you jump! It's best to jump now, right? Before he gets to much feelings for you!"

That was true. He will be broken. Instead of the happy feelings that stormed through my body, a big stone is building up in my lungs and it gets hard to breathe.

"Don't worry. That won't happen! He doesn't love you, he wants you to die. You can't figure that out by yourself?"

I start crying instead. I need Sapnap now. I can't call him and disturb him. His homework has to be done, he really said that.

I spent the rest of the day with crying and arguing with myself. I want to cut myself but I've promised Sapnap to not do it. But I really wanted to.

"Karl, if you want something that hurt, don't do it. It hurts to not do it!" I tell myself quite.

The evening ends with me, crying myself to sleep.

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690 words

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