Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

Chapter 20: What am I to you?

I woke up with a headache. It's been two weeks after the accident, and I'm still lying.

After 3 days of observation, pinalabas na din ako ng ospital. Sinundo ako ni Kou, at feeling ko medyo nagtatampo siya sa akin, which is fair dahil nga tumakas ako ng gabing 'yon. Still, hindi niya ako sinisi, at he just blabbered about the guy he's been seeing and how he misses him. I tried to engage with him para hindi siya mag-alala, pero bakas naman sa mukha niya na para siyang naaawa sa akin dahil sa ginawa ni Jackson.

Before entering my room, Kou stopped me and whispered, "Stop pretending that you have amnesia. You'll pay the price someday, you know?"

I was taken aback, but I just smiled at him dryly.

My memories came rushing back to me after a day when Ken declared his 'I won't give up on you' speech. The thing is, it made me happy, but it made me realize that none of this shit will ever happened, because all of this shit is just a ruse. So, I started pretending that I have this selective amnesia. It's a dick move, but it kept me from actually feeling this emotional pain that Ken caused me.

These past two weeks, nakakulong lang ako sa kwarto. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin, pero buti na lang pinupuntahan pa rin ako ni Kou sa kwarto ko. Hindi niya sinabi kina Kuya at Daddy na bumalik na ala-ala ko, and I want it that way until I decided what to do.

Laging pumupunta si Ken, pero lagi din siyang tinataboy ni Kou. Even if kasama niya yung apat, hindi pa rin ako nagpakita. Si Violet lagi kong katawagan, and Jackson is nowhere to be found, I think.

"Rise and shine, magsisinungaling ka pa." Sabi ni Kou habang binubuksan ang mga kurtina ko. Itatalukbong ko sana kumot ko sa sarili ko, pero mabilis niya itong tinanggal at hinila ako sa braso.

"What's the point? I am fucking dead inside anyways, might as well rot myself to sleep", sabi ko ng di dumidilat. Minsan nakakainis din 'tong baklang 'to.

"Ano ba kasing gusto mong mangyari? Bakit ka ba kasi nagsinungaling? This shit is over sana kung di ka nagpanggap dyan. Hindi ka si Toni Gonzaga, at alam ko naming hindi mo crush si John Lloyd Cruz kaya wag kang mag-Amnesia Girl dyan."

I pouted. Hindi ko naman akalaing ang katangahan kong ito ay hahaba ng dalawang linggo. I don't know how to handle this fucking betrayal, so I will choose to run.

I was about to say my rebuttal, but the door suddenly opened. Napairit si Kou, at napatulala naman ako.

"Are you serious Tokyo? Tangina. What the fuck are you doing?!"

Naramdaman ko ang takot, at parang gusto kong tumalon mula sa bintana ng kwarto ko. Tumingin ako kay Kou para humingi ng tulong, pero mabilis na nagvanish yung bakla sa kwarto ko. Huminga ako ng malalim.

"I don't know. But these past few weeks kept me sane from those lies that you and Daddy made. Thanks, Kuya."

He was taken aback. He thought na I would cry, and say sorry, pero siguro yung dating Tokyo 'yon. They messed up with my feelings, at nakakatawa dahil mula noon hanggang ngayon, sila nagdedecide kung sino ang pwede at hindi pwedeng makipagkaibigan sa akin.

He sighed. Isinara niya yung pinto, at umupo sa harap ko. Lumayo naman ako instinctively, pero hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.

"I'm sorry. Daddy is sorry, too. We were so worried lang dahil mula noong ginawa ni Jackson 'yun sa'yo, we never saw you laughing or smiling with your friends. Heck, you don't even have friends-"

"That is fucking bullshit," sagot ko sabay tanggal ng kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya. "Daddy fucking made Violet disappear, and she is the only true friend that I got. Tapos biglang bibigyan niyo ako ng kaibigan, and pinilit niyo lang dahil sa kontrata? My god Kuya, gaano kayo katanga ni Daddy?"

He was taken aback. Hindi siguro siya makapaniwala na ang dating kapatid niyang maamo sa kanya, ni tingnan siya, hindi man lang magawa. He sighed and stood up.

Before leaving my room, he said wryly, "I just wanted to give you hope. I just wanted to give you a reason to live."

I don't know what to do. I cursed myself ever since my memories came back. Why do I have to lie? Why? Am I afraid to be alone again?

But because I am a coward, I logged in to my secret Instagram account. I messaged pikachu_98. I told him everything. I don't even know him and that is perfect. Sana magreply siya or I don't know. Pero, this made me calm.

I waited for his response. Inistalk ko yung Instagram niya and to my surprised, he posted a photo. I clicked the photo, and my jaw dropped.

It was 10 photos: photos of me.

Nagulat ako, at hindi ako makapaniwala. Akala ko nga coincidence lang pero I just kept swiping right, and it confirmed my suspicion. On the tenth picture, it was me, laughing, in Seoul tower.

And alam kong isa lang ang may kayang kumuha ng genuine moment na ito.

"I'm sorry. I should have known." Hingal niyang sabi.

A certain dread washed off on me. Akala ko nahampas ako ng sobrang laking alon, at hindi ko pa napaprocess ang lahat, nandito na agad siya. Hindi ako makalingon. Hindi ko alam kung nababaliw lang ako, pero alam kong siya ang nasa likod ko ngayon.

"I'm sorry. Please don't kill yourself. I will fucking move on the other side of the world, but please don't fucking die."

"I will die, too."

Hindi ako makakibo. Gusto kong magevaporate, or sana magkaroon ng black hole sa room ko para mawasak ang lahat, kasama kaming dalawa, kasama ang mga nararamdaman ko.

Gusto ko siyang halikan at yakapin. Gusto ko lumuhod sa harapan niya. Gusto kong ibalik ang una naming pagkikita, at tumakbo palayo dito kasama siya.

"Fuck, come here baby girl."

Hindi ko alam ang sumapi sa akin, pero nagawa kong tingnan siya at halos patakbong yumakap sa kanya. He caught me in his arms. He fell on the couch, pero nasalo naman niya ang sarili niya at niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit.

"Ken, I'm sorry."

"You are my light, Tokyo. I love you."