Since We're Alone |NH|

Chapter 8

"Niall you are more than good enough.  She just wasn't and isn't the one for you," Mark said, softly.

The room filled with silence except for the sound of me crying into my hands and trying not to. 

"I feel like I've wasted the last two years of my life." I said, calming down a bit.

"You haven't wasted anything."

"But it feels that way.  It feels like I got into a relationship that was never going to go anywhere."

"It didn't go anywhere.  It went somewhere.  It may not have gone to the place you anticipated or wanted but it went where it was supposed to go."

"What the fuck does any of that mean?" I asked, looking over at Mark.

He laughed a little, "I don't know.  I think I'm just talking out of my arse at this point."

"Well, that makes me feel better," I said, sarcastically.

"Dude," Deo spoke up, "I think what he's trying to say is that this may not have been what you wanted but in some shape or form, this is what you needed.  That is obviously difficult to see now but one day you will.  One day you'll realize that you learned something from this experience."

"Yeah," Mark said.  "You've definitely learned something...hopefully."

"I can't get her words out of my head though."

"What words?"

"All the horrible things she said to me.  I mean, that girl last night was cute, and I probably could've brought her home last night, but the moment I semi even thought about it, her words all came back to me about how I'm horrible and wouldn't know how to please a woman if my life depended on it.  It's fucked with my head, amongst the million other things that she has done to fuck with my head."

"Such as?" Deo asked.

"Well, namely, trust.  I don't think I could even think of dating someone without wondering what she's hiding from me.  Again, last night, the thought that this girl had a boyfriend at home who loved her and she was out on the town, giving her attention to anyone but him.  That's all I could think about."

"She had a boyfriend?"

"I don't know!  That's the thing, guys, I don't know.  It's the scenario in my head because it was me.  I was that guy.  I was the guy who wanted so desperately to believe that his girlfriend could be trusted; that she was with who she said she was with; doing what she said she was doing.  Now, any girl I look at I think is doing the same damn thing to some other poor guy."

"Well, that's why I, personally, think Deo was wrong in suggesting you get out and meet someone.  Personally, I don't think you need to date anyone for the reasons you just said.  Maggie did some serious damage to your self confidence; your ability to trust people; to believe in people.  She's still in your head.  You need to clear your head and get her out of there because, again, personally, I don't think you can have any kind of relationship with anyone until you work those things out and realize that she was saying those things to be a fucking bitch because somewhere inside of her, she hates herself and she took it out on you because she knew she could."

"So you think I need some sort of therapy?"

Mark shrugged, "I don't know about that.  If you think you do, then do it.  No shame in that.  If you don't think you do, that's fine, too.  I just think you need to take time to become yourself again.  You haven't been the Niall we've known in almost two years.  You've been so consumed with her mess that you have completely disappeared."

"So what should I do?"

"Stay single."

"Huh?"

"Stay single, Niall.  Don't find someone else to fill a void.  Stay single until you meet the girl who makes you laugh until it hurts.  Who not only heals, but makes you forget, any pain they didn't cause from the past.  The one who shows you love isn't confusion or pain.  Stay single until you meet the girl and you just know with confidence something is there.  The one who teaches you to trust someone again.  The girl who calls you when she says she will.  The one who texts back never making you doubt them.  Stay single until you meet the girl who shows up.  The one who respects you and treats you better than anyone before.  The one who builds you up and believes in you even if in that moment they are the only one who does.  Wait for the girl who makes you sleep a little better at night because they are beside you.  The one you miss before you even say goodbye.  Stay single until you meet the girl who says exactly how they feel about you and doesn't fear it.  Who not only introduces you to their family but makes you a part of it.  Stay single until you meet the girl who looks at you across the room and it's like a silent dialogue only you two can speak.  The girl who knows how to make you feel better on a bad day.  The one whose presence makes you feel a little more whole.  The one who redefines what you thought love in the past was.  Stay single until you meet the girl who makes you sure they want you in their future, the one you look at and in their eyes you see the next 50 years.  The one who says I love you and you feel it in every bone.  The one you might fight with sometimes but you two never stop fighting for each other.  Stay single until you meet the girl who makes you better.  The one who makes you happier than you ever thought you could be.  The one you think of when those songs come on and you turn it up a little louder.  Stay single until you meet the girl who is your best friend.  Your better half.  The girl you can't imagine unknowing or ever living without after meeting them.  Until then, stay single."

Deo and I just looked at Mark, stunned.  "What the fuck sort of self love book did you get that out of?" Deo asked, starting to laugh.

"Laugh all you want.  But, I'd like to believe that that's what's going to happen for me one day.  And I'd like to believe it will happen for you two idiots one day, too."

"Is this why you haven't gone on any dates in the last year?" I asked.

"Well, no.  But, also, yes.  You guys know I have my own relationship issues.  I've been working on them and part of working on them means not dating until I feel I can fully put myself with someone."

Deo continued to giggle a bit but my laughter had subsided.  Looking at Mark, I knew he had his problems and to admit to us that he was struggling and had been working on himself so that he could be a better person but also a better partner to someone made me stop.

I nodded at him, "I get it," I said, softly.

Deo eventually calmed down when he realized that neither Mark nor I were laughing. 

We spent the rest of the day relaxing and discussing upcoming plans.  As they were leaving, Deo ran to the bathroom while Mark and I stood outside waiting on him.

"I appreciate you saying what you said earlier," I said.

"Of course.  You know you can talk to me, right?  Without judgment?"

"Yeah, I know."

"I've been where you are, which is why it was so easy for me to see it.  And so hard for me to watch you put yourself through this."

I nodded, "I know.  How are you doing, by the way?"

"Better.  Really working on myself."

"Did you think it would be easier or harder?"

"Easier.  Thought I'd be able to get back out there within a few months or so but I came to realize that giving myself a false deadline only made me more anxious.  So, don't do that to yourself.  Take all the time you think you need.  Really, man, don't rush things."

"You really believe she's out there?  For you?  For me?"

"Yeah, I do.  I don't know if I necessarily believe in soul mates.  Although, I'd kind of like to, you know.  But, I've come to believe that there is someone we are supposed to be with at certain moments in our lives.  I guess, in essence, you need to think of Maggie being a part of your life at a time when she needed to be in order for you to learn something.  What that something is, I couldn't tell you.  But, what I can tell you, because I firmly believe it, is that one day the right girl will walk into your life and she'll be standing in front of you and you'll know exactly why it didn't work out with anyone else."